It’s Better to Shop Online When…

  • No need to saw off that damned house arrest anklet.
  • Wobbly ISP performance not nearly as annoying as wobbly shopping cart wheel.
  • No more blasts of perfume from the sample counter — until iSmell becomes
    available, that is.
  • The terms of your parole prohibit you from coming within 500 yards of a real Victoria’s Secret store.
  • Don’t have to worry about giving in to that Orange Julius temptation.
  • Since you haven’t been able to get through your front door in years, is a Godsend.
  • Within seconds of buying grandma a large-print bible, you’re back to downloading that sweet, sweet porn.
  • Can continue to test your theory you can live without leaving your specially designed “BioChair 2”.
  • Can openly consult the voices in your head when buying that gift for Jodie Foster.
  • Less contact with other humans means fewer on your list to be gunned down at a later date.
  • You can finally get that kidney Uncle Bob always wanted.
  • In a store, you can’t pleasure yourself watching Tommy Lee put it to Pam while your purchase is being wrapped.
  • No insensitive idiots razzing you about that place you tuck your wallet when you shop naked.
  • When your name is Dick Buttlipz, it’s better to not have to hand your Visa to a 16 year old sales clerk.