Category Archives: College/School

The Term Paper Bank

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There was a university in New England where the students operated a “bank” of term papers and other homework assignments. There were papers to suit all needs and as it would look odd if an undistinguished student suddenly handed in a brilliant essay, there were papers for an A grade, a B grade and a C grade.

A student who had spent the weekend on pursuits other than his assignment, went to the “bank” and as his course was a standard one he took out a paper for a inconspicuous C, retyped it and handed the work in.

In due course he received it back with the professor’s comments “I wrote this paper myself twenty years ago. I always thought it should have had an A, and now I am glad to give it one!”

Do You Believe in Ghosts?

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A professor at the Texas A&M gave a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, “How many people here believe in ghosts?”

About 90 students raise their hands.

“Well, that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?”

About 40 students raised their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”

About 15 students raise their hands.

“Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”

Three students raise their hands. “That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further…Have any of you ever made love to ghosts?”

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, “Son, in all the years I’ve been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he is at the front of the room, the professor asks, “So, Bubba, tell us what it’s like to have sex with ghosts?”

Bubba replied, “Shiiiiit! From way back thar I thought you said, ‘Goats!’

At the Chalkboard

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A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny Pat?”

“Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters.”

“Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.”

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from
another male student. She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny Billy?”

“Well miss, I just saw both of your garters.”

Again she yells, “Get out of my classroom!” This time the punishment is more severe, “I don’t want to see you for three weeks.”

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

“Where do you think you are going?” she asks.

“Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over.”

Final Exam Hymn

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Mine eyes have seen the horror
Of the ending of the term
It has poisoned all my spirits
Like an apple with a worm
It’s infected all my freedom
Like an ugly cancer germ
The truth shall soon be known.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.

I have listened to the teachers
But the homework leaves me cold
I have never done assignments
Although many times been told
I have even missed my classes
When I was feeling bold
The truth shall soon be known

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.

They are adding all my points up
And I haven’t earned but few
In fact, I haven’t even gotten
More than one or two
Oh, if I could only find an answer
Anything to do
The truth shall soon be known.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.

On the lines of every gradebook
There is solemn news for me
The worst is yet to come when
Financial Aid ignores my plea
So I guess the only answer is
To drop my books and flee
The truth shall soon be known.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.

Well, the end has finally come
And I have failed to pass a class
Though the fun and laughter, goofing off
Was really quite a gas
But I won’t be in the numbers
Of the capped and gowned mass
The truth was finally shown.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure, and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth was finally known.

Failing in Style

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50 Fun things to do in a final that does not matter (i.e. you are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam)

  1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
  2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I’ve got the secret documents!!"
  3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
  4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor’s left nostril.
  5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I’m SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
  6. Bring cheerleaders.
  7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don’t understand ANY of this. I’ve been to every lecture all semester long! What’s the deal? And who the hell are you? Where’s the regular guy?"
  8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc…). Play with the volume at max level.
  9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
  10. Bring pets.
  11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They’ve found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
  12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you’re really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
  13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
  14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
  15. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette’s Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
  16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
  17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he’s not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
  18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
  19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
  20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
  21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
  22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
  23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
  24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.
  25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
  26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
  27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
  28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
  29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I’m here, the Phantom of the Opera" until they drag you away.
  30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
  31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don’t really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
  32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
  33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
  34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
  35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
  36. Come in wearing a full knight’s outfit, complete with sword and shield.
  37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
  38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious… like history notes for a calculus exam… otherwise you’re not just failing, you’re getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
  39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
  40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
  41. One word: Wrestlemania.
  42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
  43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
  44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
  45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
  46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc… sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
  47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
  48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
  49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don’t forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
  50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"

The LEGO Admission Test

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Several colleges have started a pilot program that uses a simple group experiment with LEGOs as a replacement for the standard admissions test. The group must recreate a model of a robot in the next room, with only one team member allowed to view the robot at any one time.

Since different schools have different admissions requirements, the test has been generalized to meet the requirements of various schools:

  • Engineering College
    Build a real, working robot out of LEGOs

  • Liberal Arts College
    Pick your favorite color of LEGO block

  • Computer Boot Camp
    Carefully memorize how many blocks of each color are in the original statue, and hope they give you exactly the same quantities

  • Art School
    Colors? You mean we get to work with color this year? I don’t have to draw it first?

  • Massage Therapy School
    Carefully stroke each block, and hope the arrangement comes to you

  • Culinary College
    Bake an Eggo that no one would want to LEGO

  • Community College
    Ring this box of LEGOs up on a cash register

  • Florida State College
    Steal as many LEGOs as possible

  • Technical College
    Send for the free brochure

University Entrance Exam – Football Player Version

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Time Limit: 3 weeks

  1. Foreign Language: What Language is spoken in France?

  2. History: Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law, and social conditions
    -OR- Give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

  3. Literature: Would you ask William Shakespeare to
    1. build a bridge
    2. sail the ocean
    3. lead an army or
    4. WRITE A PLAY
  4. Religion: What religion is the Pope?
    1. Jewish
    2. Catholic
    3. Hindu
    4. Polish
    5. Agnostic (circle only one)
  5. Metric Conversion: How many feet equal 0.0 meters?
  6. Physics: What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
  7. Religion: How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
  8. Geography: What are people in America’s far north called?
    1. Westerners
    2. Southerners
    3. Northerners
  9. American History: Spell Bush, Carter, and Clinton.
  10. European History: Six kings of England have been called George, last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
  11. Natural Science: Where does rain come from?
    1. Macy’s
    2. a 7-11
    3. Canada
    4. the sky
  12. Advanced Physics: Can you explain Einstein’s Theory of Relativity?
    1. yes
    2. no
  13. Philosophy: What are coat hangers used for?
  14. Political Science: The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

  15. Physics: Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR-
    Spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

  16. Architecture: Where is the basement in a three story building located?
  17. Agricultural Science: Which part of America produces the most oranges?
    1. New York
    2. Florida
    3. Canada
    4. Wisconsin
  18. Advanced Math: If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
  19. Communications: What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?
  20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
    1. B.C.
    2. A.D.
    3. still waiting

    21. You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify.

Elementary School Days

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  • TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
    SARAH: “HIJKLMNO”!!
    TEACHER: What are you talking about?
    SARAH: Yesterday you said it’s H to O!

  • TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
    GEORGE: Here it is!
    TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
    CLASS: George!

  • TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
    WILLY: Me!

  • TEACHER: Why are you late?
    WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
    TEACHER: What sign?
    WEBSTER: The one that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.”

  • SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
    FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
    SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

  • TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
    SAMMY: You can’t fool me, Teacher… snakes don’t have feet.

  • TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with “I”.
    ELLEN: I is…
    TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, “I am.”
    ELLEN: All right… “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

  • TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
    CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands

You May Be a True Elementary School Teacher If…

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  • Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home?
  • Do you move your dinner partner’s glass away from the edge of the table?
  • Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends?
  • Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes?
  • Do you refer to happy hour as “snack time?”
  • Do you declare “no cuts” when a shopper squeezes ahead of you in a checkout line?
  • Do you say “I like the way you did that” to the mechanic who repairs your car nice?
  • Do you ask “Are you sure you did your best?” to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction?
  • Do you sing the “Alphabet Song” to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book?
  • Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?
  • Do you fold your spouse’s fingers over the coins as you hand him/her the money at a tollbooth?
  • Do you ask a quiet person at a party if he has something to share with the group?

If you answered yes to 4 or more, it’s in your soul — you are hooked on teaching. And if you’re not a teacher, you missed your calling.

If you answered yes to 8 or more, well, maybe it’s *too much* in your soul — you should probably begin thinking about retirement.

If you answered yes to all 12, forget it — you’ll *always* be a teacher, retired or not!

Elementary School Excuses

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  • “Jerry was at his grandmother’s yesterday, and she did not bring him to school because Jerry couldn’t remember where the school was.”
  • “Ronnie would not finish his work last night. He said his brain was too tired of spelling.”
  • “Eric hurt his knee in a karate tournament over the weekend. He won his age group, but was in too much pain to do his math assignment.”
  • “Amy did not do her homework last night because we went out to a party and did not get home until late. If she is tired, please let her sleep during recess time.”
  • “Henry stayed home because he had a stomach ache from eating too much frosting.”
  • “It was my fault Mike did not do his math homework last night. His pencil broke and we do not have a pencil sharpener at home.”
  • “Scott didn’t practice last night because he lost his tooth in the mouthpiece of his trumpet.”
  • “Diane was late on Wednesday. She fell asleep on the bus and was taken back to the bus yard.”
  • “Cody was absent yesterday because we were out bowling until 2am.”
  • “Tommy wasn’t in school yesterday because he thought it was Saturday.”