A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of Lifesavers. He blindfolded the children and then gave them all the same kind of Lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began to say:
Finally the professor gave them all honey Lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.
“Well,” he said “I’ll give you all a clue, it’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.”
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her Lifesaver out and yelled: “Oh My God!!!! They’re assholes!”
“Late again,” the third-grade teacher said to Little Johnny. (When anyone was late for school, it usually was Little Johnny.)
“It ain’t my fault, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this on my Dad. The reason I’m three hours late? Dad sleeps nights in the raw!”
Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. So she asked Little Johnny what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, Little Johnny and Trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth. “You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote. The last few nights done et six hens and killed Ma’s best milk goat. And last night when Dad heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, “That coyote’s back again, I’m a gonna git him!”
“Stay back, he yelled to all us kids, I wouldn’t want ya hurt!” He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and come a-sneakin’ up behind Dad. Then we all looked on plumb helpless as Dad was cold-nosed without warnin’.”
“Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin’ chickens since three o’clock this mornin’!”
Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.
Time limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.
Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.
2,500 aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm Them. You may use any
ancient language except Latin or Greek.
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system.
Prove your theses.
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum.
You will find a piano under your seat.
Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man’s work making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.
Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.
Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.
Define Management. Define Science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions. Assuming an
1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your
algorithm; design the communications interface and all necessary control programs.
Write an epic of not less than 10,000 rhymed couplets on The Ascent of
Man; do not use more than four different languages. Then write a critical essay explaining the intentional fallacy of your poem.
The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, The Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.
Provide a counter example to Goldbach’s Conjecture. Reconstruct Fermat’s proof of Fermat’s Theorem. Using the construction paper and Scotch tape found on the back of this exam, build a working model of a sphere which can be turned inside out without any folds.
Using the materials leftover in the box containing the rifle, along with the chemicals provided in the first aid kit, build an atomic bomb. This is to be used in the next question.
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III.
Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.
Explain the nature of matter. Include in you answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.
Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance.
Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.
Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.
Define the universe. Give three examples.
If you finish before time is called, go back and check your work.
Here is an explanation of the school homework policy:
Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner:
- 15 minutes looking for assignment.
- 11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.
- 23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.
- 8 minutes in the bathroom.
- 10 minutes getting a snack.
- 7 minutes checking the TV Guide.
- 6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.
- 10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.
Wouldn’t it be nice to tell the Dean of your college what you REALLY think about him/her?
Well,… if you like YOUR Dean as much as I like MY Dean, then you’d better keep your mouth shut. I knew I’d get kicked out of the college if I expressed my true feelings, so I remained silent for the last four years.
But yesterday was my graduation. And as I walked across the stage, the Dean handed my diploma to me (nicely scrolled and tied with a ribbon).
Once she handed it to me, I could finally tell that bitch what I REALLY thought about her. So I leaned across her podium and I looked her straight in the eye. “Hey Bitch,” I said. “You’re so damn ugly… you could practice birth control just by leaving the lights on!”
And then I walked off the stage, and went home. I gotta tell you that it felt just as good as I had imagined it would for the last four years.
Today, I unwrapped my diploma, framed it, and hung it in the living room, where it proudly exclaims to the world:
“In order to receive your diploma, please present this certificate to the Dean of your college after final grades have been posted!”