Lifesavers

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of Lifesavers. He blindfolded the children and then gave them all the same kind of Lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began to say:

   “Red…………cherry,”
   “Yellow………lemon,”
   “Green….lime,”
   “Orange……….orange”

Finally the professor gave them all honey Lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.

“Well,” he said “I’ll give you all a clue, it’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.”

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her Lifesaver out and yelled: “Oh My God!!!! They’re assholes!”

Late for School

“Late again,” the third-grade teacher said to Little Johnny. (When anyone was late for school, it usually was Little Johnny.)

“It ain’t my fault, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this on my Dad. The reason I’m three hours late? Dad sleeps nights in the raw!”

Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. So she asked Little Johnny what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears.

Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, Little Johnny and Trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth. “You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote. The last few nights done et six hens and killed Ma’s best milk goat. And last night when Dad heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, “That coyote’s back again, I’m a gonna git him!”

“Stay back, he yelled to all us kids, I wouldn’t want ya hurt!” He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and come a-sneakin’ up behind Dad. Then we all looked on plumb helpless as Dad was cold-nosed without warnin’.”

“Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin’ chickens since three o’clock this mornin’!”

A Quick Test

The Exam

Instructions

Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.
Time limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.


  1. History
    • Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
  2. Medicine
    • You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.
  3. Public Speaking
    • 2,500 aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm Them. You may use any
      ancient language except Latin or Greek.
  4. Biology
    • Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system.
      Prove your theses.
  5. Music
    • Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum.
      You will find a piano under your seat.
  6. Psychology
    • Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man’s work making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.
  7. Sociology
    • Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.
  8. Epistemology
    • Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.
  9. Management Science
    • Define Management. Define Science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions. Assuming an
      1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your
      algorithm; design the communications interface and all necessary control programs.
  10. Literature
    • Write an epic of not less than 10,000 rhymed couplets on The Ascent of
      Man; do not use more than four different languages. Then write a critical essay explaining the intentional fallacy of your poem.
  11. Engineering
    • The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.
  12. Economics
    • Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, The Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.
  13. Mathematics
    • Provide a counter example to Goldbach’s Conjecture. Reconstruct Fermat’s proof of Fermat’s Theorem. Using the construction paper and Scotch tape found on the back of this exam, build a working model of a sphere which can be turned inside out without any folds.
  14. Chemistry
    • Using the materials leftover in the box containing the rifle, along with the chemicals provided in the first aid kit, build an atomic bomb. This is to be used in the next question.
  15. Political Science
    • There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III.
      Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.
  16. Physics
    • Explain the nature of matter. Include in you answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.
  17. Philosophy
    • Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance.
      Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.
  18. General Knowledge
    • Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

Extra Credit

    Define the universe. Give three examples.

If you finish before time is called, go back and check your work.

How to Write a Paper

  1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
  2. Read over the assignment carefully to make certain you understand it.
  3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
  4. Stop off at another floor on the way back and visit with your friend from class.
  5. If your friend hasn’t started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonald’s and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper — printed, double-spaced and bound in one of those irritating see-through plastic folders — drop him.
  6. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
  7. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
  8. You know, you haven’t written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You’d better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
  9. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
  10. Listen to one of your favorite CDs and that’s it. I mean it. As soon as it’s over, you are going to start that paper.
  11. Listen to the another.
  12. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
  13. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he’s started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, the world at large.
  14. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
  15. Read over the assignment again. Roll the words across your tongue. Savor its special flavor.
  16. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren’t missing something truly worthwhile on TV.
    NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV, from “Masterpiece Theatre” to “Sgt. Preston of the Yukon,” is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions:

    1. Pro Bowler’s Tour
    2. Any movie starring Don Ameche.
  17. Catch the last hour of “Soul Brother of Kung Fu” on Channel 26.
  18. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.
  19. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
  20. Look through your roommate’s book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
  21. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
  22. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.
  23. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
  24. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.
  25. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
  26. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
  27. Leap up and write the paper.
  28. Print the paper.
  29. Complain to everyone that you didn’t get any sleep because you had to write the darn paper.

Homework Schedule

Here is an explanation of the school homework policy:

Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner:

  • 15 minutes looking for assignment.
  • 11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.
  • 23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.
  • 8 minutes in the bathroom.
  • 10 minutes getting a snack.
  • 7 minutes checking the TV Guide.
  • 6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.
  • 10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.

Things Homeschooling Moms Don’t Want To Hear

  • “My science project got loose in the kitchen!”
  • “I can’t find a pencil!”
  • “But naps are for *little* kids!”
  • “I found that bunch of videos you thought you took back to the library last month!”
  • “Wait, Mom — that’s not your toothbrush, that’s my guinea pig’s grooming brush.”
  • “Grandma wants to know when I’m gonna get to go to *real* school!”
  • “Hello? Oh, she’s in the bathroom. Well, let me see if the cord will reach….”
  • “Mommy, why is my goldfish swimming on his back?”
  • “Bobby’s mom always takes them to McDonald’s after they finish their lessons.”

Things Homeschooled Kids Don’t Want To Hear

  • “Just wait until your father gets home!”
  • “Well, maybe we ought to send you back to school if you feel that way about it.”
  • “If you’re bored, I’ve got some chores for you.”
  • “I’m only doing this for your own good.”
  • “Someday you’ll thank me for this.”

High School Versus College

  • In high school, you do homework. In college, you study.
  • No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In college, food must be provided at an event before students will come.
  • In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder; in college, on both.
  • In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking at the teacher’s guide.
  • In college, there are no bells or tardy slips.
  • In high school, you have to live with your parents. In college, you get to live with your friends.
  • In college, you don’t have to wait in a certain lunch line to be cool.
  • Only nerds e-mailed in high school. (Cool kids hadn’t heard of it.)
  • In high school, you’re told what classes to take. In college, you get to choose; that is, as long as the classes don’t conflict and you have the prerequisites and the classes aren’t closed and you’ve paid your tuition.
  • In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your way out of it. In college, you’re lucky to ever talk with the professor.
  • In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration; in college, by the drunk frat boys on their way home when the bars close.
  • In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of your grade than your high school final exams ever did.
  • In high school, when the teacher said, “Good morning,” you mumbled back. In college, when the professor says, “Good morning,” you write it down.
  • In high school, freshman guys hit on senior girls. In college, senior guys hit on freshman girls.
  • In college, weekends start on Thursday.
  • In college, it’s much more difficult to figure out the course schedule of the man/woman you have a crush on, in order to figure out where he/she will be walking around campus and at what time to find them there.
  • Once you’ve obtained the information described in #10, it’s much more time-consuming to run between classes to that place where you know he/she will be in order to “just happen to bump into him/her.”
  • In college, there’s no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals a day.
  • In college, your dad doesn’t pay for dates.
  • In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money from Mom and Dad.
  • College men are cuter than high school boys.
  • College women are legal.
  • In college, when you miss a class (or two or three), you don’t need a note from your parents saying you were skip….uh, sick that day.
  • In high school, you can’t go out to lunch because it’s not allowed. In college, you can’t go out to lunch because you can’t afford it.
  • In college, you can blow off studying by writing lists like this.

Gramesis

  • In the beginning my English teacher created nouns and verbs.
  • And the verbs were without form and voice; and darkness was upon the face of the deep–my teacher.
  • And she said, “Let there be grammar;” and there was grammar.
  • And Teacher saw the verbs and laughed and said that it was good; and she divided the bright students from those who remained in darkness.
  • And Teacher gave the bright students A’s and kept the others after school. And the homework and the bell were the first day.
  • And Teacher said, “Let there be a sentence in the midst of the words, and let it divide the nouns from the verbs.
  • And Teacher made the sentence, and diagrammed it on the board; I looked and saw that it was so.
  • And the Teacher called the sentence declarative. And the capital and the period were the second day.
  • And Teacher said, “Let the noun words in the sentence be gathered together unto one place, and let the verb words appear; and it was so.
  • And Teacher called the verb words predicate; and the gathering together of noun words called she the subject; and Teacher saw that it was good.
  • And Teacher said, “Let the predicate bring forth modifiers, the transitive verbs yielding objects, and the intransitive verbs yielding complements after their own kind, whose place is in itself, within the predicate;” and it was so.
  • And the predicate brought forth modifiers, and transitive verbs yielding objects after their own kind, and intransitive verbs yielding a complement whose place was in itself, after their own kind: The Teacher saw that it was good and confusing.
  • And the active and the passive were the third day.
  • And Teacher said, “Let there be modifiers in the firmament of the subject to further confuse and divide the students in the classroom; and let them be for proper nouns, concrete nouns, mass nouns, collective nouns, pronouns, and abstract nouns.”
  • “And let them be for to give meaning in the subject and to enhance the predicate;” and it was so confusing.
  • And Teacher made two great words: the greater word -adjective- to rule the noun, and the lesser word -adverb- to rule the verb; she made the conjunction also.
  • And Teacher set them in the sentence in order to make it difficult to diagram.
  • And to make it easier for her to divide the bright students from those who remained in darkness; and Teacher saw that her system was good.
  • And the phrase and the clause were the fourth day.
  • And Teacher said, “Let the verbs bring forth abundantly the many verb forms, the gerunds, infinitives, and participles; the subjunctives; the auxiliary verbs, the linking verbs; and the phrasal verbs.”
  • And Teacher created mood for every living creature that moveth, and tense for all time, and voice after their kind: and Teacher saw that it was indeed good.
  • And Teacher blessed them saying, “Be fruitful and multiply in complexity, and fill young minds with bewilderment, and let the bewilderment multiply into chaos in their minds.”
  • And the lecture and the English test were the fifth day.
  • And Teacher said, “Let the nouns and verbs bring forth living sentences after their own kind, book reports, essay questions, and English themes for the students to write;” and it was very so.
  • And Teacher made all these things for the freshman English student to do, and everything that creepeth into her mind she gave to them to do; and Teacher saw to it that it was good.
  • And Teacher said, “Let us make one project in our image, after our likeness; and let the product have dominion over the other projects, and over every subject of the college student.”
  • So Teacher created the research paper in her own image, in the image of Teacher created she it; boring and difficult created she it.
  • And Teacher blessed it, and Teacher said unto the research paper, “Be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the supply of dropouts, and subdue the remainder of the college students; and have dominion over the other projects, and over the other subjects, and over every single grade that the students receive.”
  • “And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth into the classroom, wherein there is life, I have given every rule and principle for good English;” and it was so.
  • And Teacher saw everything that she had made, and behold it was very good.

Gradua-ooops!

Wouldn’t it be nice to tell the Dean of your college what you REALLY think about him/her?

Well,… if you like YOUR Dean as much as I like MY Dean, then you’d better keep your mouth shut. I knew I’d get kicked out of the college if I expressed my true feelings, so I remained silent for the last four years.

But yesterday was my graduation. And as I walked across the stage, the Dean handed my diploma to me (nicely scrolled and tied with a ribbon).

Once she handed it to me, I could finally tell that bitch what I REALLY thought about her. So I leaned across her podium and I looked her straight in the eye. “Hey Bitch,” I said. “You’re so damn ugly… you could practice birth control just by leaving the lights on!”

And then I walked off the stage, and went home. I gotta tell you that it felt just as good as I had imagined it would for the last four years.

Today, I unwrapped my diploma, framed it, and hung it in the living room, where it proudly exclaims to the world:

    “In order to receive your diploma, please present this certificate to the Dean of your college after final grades have been posted!”