- He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
- The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
- Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man”
- Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
- John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
- The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
- The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
Some time ago, I was taking a ground school class for private pilots. During the sessions on weather, the instructor wanted to discuss the concept of sublimation–the act of going from a gas to a solid skipping the intermediate stage(s). e.g., frost–water vapor in the air becoming a solid on surfaces without first going through the liquid stage.
Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the instructor asked if anyone could provide an example of something that went straight from a solid to a gas (expecting “dry ice” as the answer), a previously unknown section of my mind took control of my mouth and immediately emitted the word “burrito”.
It took the instructor about 10 minutes to regain an academic composure.
St. Paul’s School
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following “history” of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked “Am I my brother’s son?” God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother’s birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob’s sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks, we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns – Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in “The Illiad”, by Homer. Homer also wrote the “Oddity”, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn’t climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello’s interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted “hurrah.” Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear’s famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Mac- beth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote “Donkey Hote”. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote “Paradise Lost.” Then his wife dies
and he wrote “Paradise Regained.”
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim’s Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post with- out stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared “a horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, “In onion there is strength.” Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called “Candy”. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon’s flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t bear him any children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the “Organ of the Species”. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2″ in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
“Now,” said the professor, “I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things – your family, your partner, your health, your children – things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff.
“If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Take care of the
rocks first – the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”
But then a student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.
The moral of this tale is: no matter how full your life is, there is always room for beer.
- Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
- I would not allow this student to breed.
- This student has delusions of adequacy.
- This student is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- This student sets low standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
- The student has a “full six-pack” but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
- Student has been working with glue too much.
- When the student’s IQ reaches 50, he/she should sell.
- Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
- If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
- It’s hard to believe the sperm that created this student beat out 1,000,000 others.
- The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.
- Your child is not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
- If your child had two brain cells, they’d kill each other.
- Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil in bulk.
- Real teachers will eat anything left in the teacher’s lounge.
- Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and at the end of nine weeks have even been seen grading in church.
- Real teachers know that sixth graders get hormones from Santa at Christmas.
- Real teachers cheer when they hear that April 1st does not fall on a school day.
- Real teachers drive older cars owned by credit unions.
- Real teachers can’t walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line.
- Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair.
- Real teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards without turning around.
- Real teachers are written up in medical journals for the size and elasticity of their bladders and kidneys.
- Real teachers wear glasses from trying to read the fine print in the teacher’s manuals.
- Real teachers have been timed gulping down lunch in 2 minutes 18 seconds.
- Master teachers can eat faster than that.
- Real teachers can predict exactly which parents show up at open house.
- Real teachers understand the importance of making sure every kid gets a Valentine.
- Real teachers never teach the conjugations of “lie” and “lay” to eighth graders.
- Real teachers know it is better to seek forgiveness than to ask for permission.
- Real teachers can teach anatomy to high school students and not hear the giggles.
- Real teachers know that the best end of semester lesson plans come from Blockbuster.
- Real teachers know the shortest distance and length of travel time to the front office.
- Real teachers can “sense” gum.
- Real teachers know the difference between what ought to be graded, what should be graded, and what should never see the light of day.
- Real teachers know that the first class disruption they see is probably the second one that occurred.
- Real teachers have their best conferences in the parking lot.
- Real teachers have never heard an original excuse.
- Real teachers know better than to plan discussions or cooperative groups for last period during an observation.
- Real teachers know that secretaries and custodians really run the school.
- Real teachers know that rules do not apply to them.
- Real teachers give themselves away in public because of the Vis-a-vis marker smudges all over their hands.
- Real teachers know that dogs are carnivores and not “homework paperavores.”
- Real teachers know that happy hour does indeed begin on Friday afternoons.
- Real teachers do not take “no” for an answer unless it is written in a complete sentence.
- Real teachers know the value of a good education and are appalled upon seeing their paychecks.
- Real teachers hear the heartbeats of crisis; always have time to listen; know they teach students, not subjects; and they are absolutely nonexpendable.
- H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
- To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
- Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
- Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
- Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
- Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
- The moon is a planet, just like the earth, only it is even deader.
- Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
- Mushrooms always grow in damp places so they look like umbrellas.
- The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects.
- The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
- A permanent set of teeth consist of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.
- The tides are a fight between the earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
- A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
- Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
- Liter: A nest of young puppies.
- Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
- Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
- Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.
- Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
- Vacuum: A large, empty space where the Pope lives.
- Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
- No one fails a class anymore, they are merely “passing impaired”.
- You don’t have detention, you’re just one of the “exit delayed”.
- Your bedroom isn’t cluttered, it’s just “passage restrictive”.
- These days, a student isn’t lazy. He’s “energetically declined”.
- Your locker isn’t overflowing with junk, it’s just “closure prohibitive”.
- Kids don’t get grounded anymore. They merely hit “social speed bumps”.
- Your homework isn’t missing, its just having an “out-of-notebook experience”.
- You’re not sleeping in class, you’re “rationing consciousness”.
- You’re not late, you just have a “rescheduled arrival time”.
- You’re not having a bad hair day, you’re suffering from “rebellious follicle syndrome”.
- You don’t have smelly gym socks, you have “odor-retentive athletic footwear”.
- No one’s tall anymore. They are “vertically enhanced”.
- You’re not shy. You’re “conversationally selective”
- You don’t talk a lot. You’re just “abundantly verbal”.
- You weren’t passing notes in class. You were “participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations”.
- You’re not being sent to the principals office. You’re “going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building”.
- It’s not called gossip anymore. It’s “the speedy transmission of near-factual information”.
- The food at the school cafeteria isn’t awful. It’s “digestively challenged”.
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.
“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family – but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.
- Andes is an after dinner mint
- The Balkans are an alien people on Star Trek
- The English Channel is a TV sitcom about Charles and Camilla
- The United Kingdom is a cultural theme park
- Butte Montana is Joe’s new girlfriend
- Reno Nevada is what you get for being Attorney General
- The Tropic of Cancer is a sunscreen lotion
- The $10,000 Pyramid is in Egypt
- The Gaza Strip is a Middle Eastern folk dance
- The Ring of Fire is the center ring of Barnum and Bailey’s Circus
- The Bermuda Triangle is a percussion instrument in a reggae band
- The Cumberland Gap gives out a pair of clogs with every set of jeans
- The International Dateline is a new cable TV network
- The Equator is a cartoon action figure
- The Continental Shelf is a specialty section of the supermarket
- An archipelago is a food stabilizer
- The Dust Bowl is Granny’s old favorite dish
- A fault is what you find in other people
- A fjord is a Norwegian car
- A mantle is what goes over your fireplace
- Tide is a laundry detergent
- You can do a research paper to find out who killed the Dead Sea