- Don’t sweat your every mistake or faux pas. They make up for the things you got away with that nobody knows about.
- Avoid marrying anyone who deliberately flushes the toilet when you’re taking a shower.
- When someone tells you that what he’s about to say is “for your own good,” expect the worst.
- The value of a dog is its constant reminder of how much fun it is to act idiotic.
- If you are lavishly praised, enjoy the taste but don’t swallow it whole.
- When a politician says, “let me make something perfectly clear, remember that he usually won’t.
- You children may leave home, but their stuff will be in your attic and basement forever.
- If someone says, “I know what I mean, but I just can’t put it into words,” he doesn’t know what he means.
- Two people cannot operate a TV remote control in the same room at the same time.
- Don’t waste time trying to be your own best friend. You can’t pat yourself on the back, and it’s unsatisfying to cry on your own shoulder. Find a real friend instead.
Signs of a Frustrated Mother
- Your children know how to read HTML code but can’t operate a vacuum cleaner.
- Your children tell you that you said “yes” and you don’t even remember the question.
- You go to the grocery store and find yourself having a good time.
- Your husband asks how your day went and you rate it on a scale of 1-10 repeats of “stop that!” or “no!”.
- You can’t remember the last time you didn’t have to share your drink.
- You mistakenly tell the kids it’s “sanity” time when you meant to say “bed” time.
- The laundry seems to have taken on an evil nature and you begin to feel that it’s out to get you.
- You dread hearing the phone ring because it’s a sure sign there’s about to be trouble amongst the children.
- It’s finally your turn on the computer and “Touched by an Angel” is just coming on.
- You go to sleep with “I’m bored” or “I’m hungry” still ringing in your ears.
Flu Notes
(Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by a well meaning husband who has inherited the house and kids.)
- Monday A.M. Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: fruit cup, finger-sandwiches. Thermos of hot tea by bedside. See you around six.
- Tuesday A.M. Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the refrigerator. Hope you got back to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in the Thermoses? The school might call you on this. Dinner may be a little late. I’m doing your door-to-door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili.
- Wednesday A.M. Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister! If you have time, could you please come up with a likely spot for Chris’s missing shoes? We’ve checked the clothes hamper, garage, back seat of the car and wood box. Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers? There’s some cold pizza for you on a napkin in the oven drawer. Will be late tonight. Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meatpacking house.
- Thursday A.M. Doris: Don’t panic over water in hallway. It crested last night at 9 P.M. Will finish laundry tonight. Please pencil in answers to following:
- How do you turn on the garbage disposal?
- How do you turn off the milkman?
- Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots?
- How do you remove a Confederate flag inked on the palm of a small boy’s hand?
- What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when you open the door?
I don’t know what you’re having for lunch! Surprise me!
- Friday A.M. Hey: Don’t drink from pitcher by the sink. Am trying to restore pink dress shirt to original white. Take heart. Tonight, the ironing will be folded, the house cleaned and the dinner on time. I called your mother.
The Evolution of Mom
Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:
- Your Clothes
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes. - The Baby’s Name
1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points. - Preparing for the Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously
2nd baby: You don’t bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn’t do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month. - The Layette
1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn’s clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they? - Worries
1st baby: At the first sign of distress — a whimper, a frown — you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing. - Activities
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner. - Going Out
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood. - At Home
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children. - The Baby Book
1st baby: Every single page is filled out, and you add tons of pictures, locks of hair, and other mementos.
2nd baby: You log only the highlights and put in a couple of Christmas and birthday pictures.
3rd baby: Yeah, you have one. Blank with nothing in it. Who has time with 2 toddlers and a baby?
Children as Pets – the Cat Years
I just realized that while children are dogs – loyal and affectionate – teenagers are cats. It’s so easy to be a dog owner. You feed it, train it, boss it around. It puts it’s head on your knee and gazes at you as if you were a Rembrandt painting. It bounds indoors
with enthusiasm when you call it.
Then around age 13, your adoring little puppy turns into a big old cat. When you tell it to come inside, it looks amazed, as if wondering who died and made you emperor. Instead of dogging your doorsteps, it disappears. You won’t see it again until it gets hungry — then it pauses on its sprint through the kitchen long enough to turn its nose up at whatever you’re serving. When you reach out to ruffle its head, in that old affectionate gesture, it twists away from you, then gives you a blank stare, as if trying to remember where it has seen you before.
You, not realizing that the dog is now a cat, think something must be desperately wrong with it. It seems so antisocial, so distant, sort of depressed. It won’t go on family outings. Since you’re the one who raised it, taught it to fetch and stay and sit on command, you assume that you did something wrong. Flooded with guilt and fear, you redouble your efforts to make your pet behave.
Only now you’re dealing with a cat, so everything that worked before now produces the opposite of the desired result. Call it, and it runs away. Tell it to sit, and it jumps on the counter. The more you go toward it, wringing your hands, the more it moves away. Instead of continuing to act like a dog owner, you can learn to behave like a cat owner. Put a dish of food near the door, and let it come to you. But remember that a cat needs your help and your affection too. Sit still, and it will come, seeking that warm, comforting lap it has not entirely forgotten. Be there to open the door for it.
One day your grown-up child will walk into the kitchen, give you a big kiss and say, “You’ve been on your feet all day. Let me get those dishes for you.” Then you’ll realize your cat is a dog again.
What You Can Learn From Your Kids
- There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
- If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
- A 4 years old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
- If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
- It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
- When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
- A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
- The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
- When you hear the toilet flush and the words ‘Uh-oh,’ it’s already too late.
- A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock, even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
- If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak-it explodes.
- A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
- Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
- Duplos will not.
- ‘Play Dough’ and ‘microwave’ should never be used in the same sentence.
- SuperGlue is forever.
- McGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know.
- Ditto Tarzan.
- No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool, you still can’t walk on water.
- Pool filters do not like Jello.
- VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.
- Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
- Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
- Plastic toys do not like ovens.
- The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.
- The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
- It will, however, make cats dizzy.
- Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
- Quiet does not necessarily mean ‘don’t worry’.
- A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
Be A Kid Again
- Give yourself a gold star for everything you do today.
- Dot all your “i”‘s with smiley faces.
- Sing into your hairbrush.
- Grow a milk mustache.
- Smile back at the man in the moon.
- Read the funnies–throw the rest of the paper away.
- Dunk your cookies.
- Play a game where you make up the rules as you go along.
- Order with eyes that are bigger than your stomach.
- Open a pack of cupcakes and give one to a friend even though you wanted both of them for yourself.
- Step carefully over sidewalk cracks.
- Change into some play clothes.
- Try to get someone to trade you a better sandwich.
- Have a staring contest with your cat.
- Eat ice cream for breakfast.
- Kiss a frog, just in case.
- Give someone a “hug-around-the-neck.”
- Blow the wrapper off a straw.
- Refuse to eat crusts.
- Make a face the next time somebody tells you “no.”
- Watch TV in your pajamas.
- Ask “Why?” a lot ~ Have someone read you a story.
- Eat dessert first.
- Wear your favorite shirt with your favorite pants even if they don’t match.
- Sneak some frosting off a cake.
- Refuse to back down in a “did vs. did-not argument.
- Do a cartwheel.
- Get someone to buy you something you don’t really need.
- Hide your vegetables under your napkin.
- Stay up past your bedtime.
- Whatever you’re doing, stop once in a while for recess.
- Wear red gym shoes.
- Make a “slurpy” sound with your straw when you get to the bottom of a milkshake.
- Put way too much sugar on your cereal.
- Play a song you like really loud, over and over.
- Find some pretty stones and save them.
- Let the string all the way out on your kite.
- Walk barefoot in wet grass.
- Make cool screeching noises every time you turn a corner.
- Count the colors in a rainbow.
- Fuss a little, then take a nap.
- Take a running jump over a big puddle.
- Eat dinner at the coffee table.
- Giggle a lot for no real reason.
Baby Problems
One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to run some errands. The proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.
Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of doing, but the baby wouldn’t stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried that he decided to take the infant to the doctor.
After the doctor listened to the father relate all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby’s ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.
When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.
“Here’s the problem”, the Dr. said, “He needs to be changed!”
The father was very perplexed, “But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!
Attention Children!
The Bathroom Door is Closed.
- Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions. Wait until I get out.
- Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken, I am not trapped. I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in here, but it’s been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY.
- Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am done.
- Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.
- Do not go running back to the phone yelling, “She’s in the BATHROOM!”
- Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.
- Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them. This was funny when you were two, but not now.
- Do not slide pennies, Legos, or notes under the door. Even when you were two this got a little tiresome.
- If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walk away, and wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen to you when I am done.
- And yes, I still love you.
(signed)
Mom
One Day in Heaven…
Yeltsin, Clinton and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God. During dinner He told them: “I need three important people to send my message out to all people:
“Tomorrow I will destroy the earth.”
Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them: “I have two really bad news items for you:
God really exists and
Tomorrow He will destroy the earth.”
Tomorrow He will destroy the earth.”
Clinton called an emergency meeting of the Senate and Congress and told them: “I have good news and bad news:
The GOOD news is that God really does exist
The BAD news is, tomorrow He is going to destroy the earth.”
The BAD news is, tomorrow He is going to destroy the earth.”
Bill Gates went back to Microsoft and very happily announced: “I have two fantastic announcements:
I am one of the three most important people on earth.
The Year 2000 problem is solved.”
The Year 2000 problem is solved.”