Gay Toon Town

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Thank God the late Rev. Jerry Falwell stepped in to clean up children’s television. He outed Tinky Winky, from that perverted show the “Teletubbies,” because, Falwell pronounced, the character is clearly a fount of gayness: He’s purple, the gay color; he has an antenna shaped like a triangle, the gay symbol; and he carries a purse, something all gay people do. But Falwell’s work was far from over. You see, kiddy TV is downright rife with gayety. Heck, Toon Town is like one big circuit party and has been for years.

  • Fred Flintstone
    Evidence: His nickname on the Bedrock bowling team: “Twinkle-toes Flintstone.” The show’s theme song ends “…we’ll have a gay old time!” Wears an orange dress with little Triangles on it. Hangs out with Barney far more than Wilma.

  • Bugs Bunny
    Evidence: Often stands with hand on hip. Plays a hairdresser in one episode. Frequently dresses in drag. Loves to throw on a top hat and tails and belt out Broadway show-tunes with his buddy Daffy – who, it’s worth noting, has a lisp.

  • Popeye
    Evidence: Eats lots of salad. Wears a sailor suit, even though he hasn’t been on a ship in years. Does little sailor-dances. Dates a flat-chested transvestite named Olive Oyl. Best friend named Wimpy.

  • Batman and Robin
    Evidence: Robin’s nickname: Boy Wonder. Batman’s real name: Bruce. Both wear tights. They’re in great shape. They like to show each other their “grappling hooks”.

  • Peppermint Patty
    Evidence: Has a deep, gravelly voice. Wears pants, not dresses like the other Peanuts gals. Plays a mean game of football. Likes to taunt Charlie Brown. Always hanging out with that androgynous Marcie. Wears comfortable shoes. Nickname: Sir.

  • The Pink Panther
    ‘Nuff said

The First Kilt

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In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he “comes of age” and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt.

A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, “I’d like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don’t mind, I’d like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!”

So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed.

A few days later the tailor called the lad back to the shop. “Here’s ye kilt, and here’s ye matching underwear, and here’s five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it.”

So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend’s house to show off his new purchase.

Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.

When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, “Well, what’d ye think?”

“Ah, but dat’s a fine looking kilt,” she exclaimed.

“Aye, and if ye like it, ye’ll really like what’s underneath,” he stated as he lifted his kilt to show her.

“Oh, but dat’s a dandy,” his girlfriend shouted admiringly.

Still not realizing that he didn’t have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, “Aye, and if ye like it, I’ve got five more yards of it at home!”

Fire! Fire! Fire!

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A painter, whitewashing the inner walls of a country outhouse, had the misfortune to fall through the opening and land in the muck at the bottom. He shouted, “Fire! Fire! Fire!” at the top of his lungs.

The local fire department responded with alacrity, sirens roaring as they approached the privy.

“Where’s the fire?” called the chief.

“No fire,” replied the painter as they pulled him out of the hole. “But if I had yelled, ‘Shit! Shit! Shit!’ who would have rescued me?”

Now, That’s Cold!

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There were three Eskimos in Alaska sitting in a local bar. They got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who indeed had the coldest igloo.

They went to the first Eskimo’s igloo, where he said “Watch this!” and poured a cup of water into the air. Naturally, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid.

“Not bad”, said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.

They went to the second Eskimo’s igloo, and he said “Watch this!” and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor.

“Wow, that’s colder than mine!” said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still.

So they ended up at the third Eskimo’s igloo. He said “Watch this!” and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went “FFFAAAARRRRTTT”.

The Exterminator

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A man living near the Bronx Zoo wakes up one morning and looks out the window. There, sitting in a tree in his backyard, is a big gorilla. In a panic he looks in the yellow pages for gorilla exterminators and finds one listing. He quickly dials the number, and when a man answers, he shouts, “Please hurry! I have a gorilla in a tree in my backyard!”

When the exterminator pulls up in front of the man’s house, the man runs out excitedly, telling him that the gorilla hasn’t moved at all. So the exterminator says, “Good. Help me unload the truck.”

The exterminator takes out a ladder, a baseball bat, an English bulldog, a large piece of rope, and a shotgun. They take all this stuff around to the side of the house, and just before they round the corner to the backyard, the exterminator stops.

“Okay,” he says to the man, “you’re going to have to help me with this. Now, I’ve done this many times before, and there’s never been any problem. But you must listen very carefully.”

“First, I’m going to go around to the other side of the tree, behind the gorilla, put the ladder against the tree, and climb up. Next I’m going to hit the gorilla with the baseball bat and knock him out of the tree. Now, you will be holding this English bulldog by the leash. When the gorilla hits the ground, you let go of the leash. This English bulldog has been specially trained to do one thing and one thing only. He will run up to the gorilla and bite the gorilla’s balls off. This will stun the gorilla, and while he is in this state of shock, you and I will run up with the large piece of rope, tie up the gorilla, and load him into the back of my truck. You got it?”

“Yes,” said the man.

“Now, it’s very important that we do everything in the proper sequence, so I want you to repeat the entire procedure to me.”

“Okay,” says the man. “First, you climb up the ladder behind the gorilla, then you hit the gorilla with the baseball bat, knocking him out of the tree. When he hits the ground, I let go of the specially trained English bulldog and he will run up and bite the gorilla’s balls off. This will stun the gorilla, and while he is in this state of shock, we run up with the large piece of rope and tie him up. Then we load him into the back of your truck.”

“Okay. You got it,” says the exterminator. “Let’s go.”

He is just about to start to move toward the tree when the man says, “Hey, wait a minute! What’s the shotgun for?”

“Oh, yeah,” says the exterminator, “I almost forgot to tell you. That’s the most important part! Now, this is just a precaution — it has never happened before, but in the event that the gorilla should somehow knock me out of the tree, shoot the dog.

Engineers Explained

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People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like other people. This can be frustrating to the nontechnical people who have to deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people is to understand their motivations. This chapter will teach you everything you need to know. I learned their customs and mannerisms by observing them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of grooming.

Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word “engineer” is greatly overused. If there’s somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth.

Engineer Identification Test
  • You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You…

      a. Straighten it.
      b. Ignore it.
      c. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.

    The correct answer is “C” but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes “It depends” in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on “Marketing.”

  • Social Skills
    Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.

    “Normal” people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:

    • Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
    • Important social contacts
    • A feeling of connectedness with other humans

    In contrast to “normal” people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:

    • Get it over with as soon as possible.
    • Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
    • Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.

  • Fascination with Gadgets
    To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1)things that need to be fixed, and (2)things that will need to be fixed after you’ve had a few minutes to play with them. Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don’t understand this concept; they believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.

    No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.

  • Fashion and Appearance
    Clothes are the lowest priority for a engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.

  • Love of Star Trek
    Engineers love all of the “Star Trek” television shows and movies. It’s a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms.

  • Dating and Social Life
    Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function.

    Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it’s true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their
    virginity.

    Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible
    men in technical professions:

    • Bill Gates.
    • MacGyver.
    • Et cetera.

    Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it’s a warm day.

  • Honesty
    Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That’s why it’s a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can’t handle the truth. Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.

    • “I won’t change anything without asking you first.”
    • “I’ll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow.”
    • “I have to have new equipment to do my job.”
    • “I’m not jealous of your new computer.”

  • Frugality
    Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, “How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?”

  • Powers of Concentration
    If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.

  • Risk
    Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media will treat it like it’s a big deal or something.

    Examples of Bad Press for Engineers

    • Hindenberg.
    • Space Shuttle Challenger.
    • SPANet(tm)
    • Hubble space telescope.
    • Apollo 13.
    • Titanic.
    • Ford Pinto.
    • Corvair.

    The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:

    • RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
    • REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.

    Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain.

    If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: “It’s technically possible but it will cost too much.”

  • Ego
    Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
    How smart they are.
    How many cool devices they own.

    The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it’s solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal — a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.

    Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex–and I’m including the kind of sex where other people are involved.

    Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can’t be done (a code phrase that means it’s not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: “I’ll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems.”

    At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.

EuroEnglish

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The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phase in plan that would be known as “EuroEnglish.”

In the first year, S will replace the soft C. Sertainly this will make the sivil servant jump with joy. The hard C will be dropped in favor of the K. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome PH will be replaced with the F. This will make words like “fotograf” 20 percent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horiblemes of the silent Es in the language is disgraceful and that they should go away. By the fourth yar peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing TH with Z and W with V.

During ze fifth yar, ze unesesary O kan be dropd from vords kontaining OU and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yar, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand echozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!

The Eagle and the Mouse

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A little field mouse was scampering across a field when all at once an eagle swooped down and swallowed him whole. After a while the little mouse was able to work his way through the eagle’s body and poke his head out of the eagle’s ass. The eagle was still flying around, looking for more food to eat.

The little mouse said, “We’re pretty high up, aren’t we?”

“Yep. Pretty high”, the eagle agreed.

“About how high would you say we are?”, asked the mouse.

“Oh…..I’d say about 10,000 feet”.

To which the mouse asked, “You wouldn’t shit me would you?”

If Dr. Seuss Wrote For Star Trek: the Next Generation

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By Dave Fuller

Picard: Sigma Indri, that’s the star,
So, Data, please, how far? How far?

Data: Our ship can get there very fast
But still the trip will last and last
We’ll have two days ’til we arrive
But can the Indrans there survive?

Picard: LaForge, please give us factor nine.

LaForge: But, sir, the engines are offline!

Picard: Offline! But why? I want to go!
Please make it so, please make it so!

Riker: But sir, if Geordi says we can’t,
We can’t, we mustn’t, and we shan’t,
The danger here is far too great!

Picard: But surely we must not be late!

Troi: I’m sensing anger and great ire.

Computer: Alert! Alert! The ship’s on fire!

Picard: The ship’s on fire? How could this be?
Who lit the fire?

Riker: Not me…

Worf: Not me!

Picard: Computer, how long ’til we die?

Computer: Eight minutes left to say goodbye.

Data: May I suggest a course to take?
We could, I think, quite safely make
Extinguishers from tractor beams
And stop the fire, or so it seems…

Geordi: Hurray! Hurray! You’ve saved the day!
Again I say, Hurray! Hurray!

Picard: Mr. Data, thank you much.
You’ve saved our lives, our ship, and such.

Troi: We still must save the Indran planet —

Data: Which (by the way) is made of granite…

Picard: Enough, you android. Please desist.
We understand — we get your gist.
But can we get our ship to go?
Please make it so, PLEASE make it so.

Geordi: There’s sabotage among the wires
And that’s what started all the fires.

Riker: We have a saboteur? Oh, no!
We need to go! We need to go!

Troi: We must seek out the traitor spy
And lock him up and ask him why?

Worf: Ask him why? How sentimental.
I say give him problems dental.

Troi: Are any Romulan ships around?
Have scanners said that they’ve been found?
Or is it Borg or some new threat
We haven’t even heard of yet?
I sense no malice in this crew.
Now what are we supposed to do?

Crusher: Captain, please, the Indrans need us.
They cry out, “Help us, clothe us, feed us!”
I can’t just sit and let them die!
A doctor MUST attempt — MUST try!

Picard: Doctor, please, we’ll get there soon.

Crusher: They may be dead by Tuesday noon.

* COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK *

* HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE? *

Worf: The saboteur is in the brig.
He’s very strong and very big.
I had my phaser set on stun —
A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one!
He would not budge, he would not fall,
He would not stun, no, not at all!
He changed into a stranger form
All soft and purple, round and warm.

Picard: Did you see this, Mr. Worf?
Did you see this creature morph?

Worf: I did and then I beat him fairly.
Hit him on the jaw — quite squarely.

Riker: My commendations, Klingon friend!
Our troubles now are at an end!

Crusher: Now let’s get our ship to fly
And orbit yonder Indran sky!

Picard: LaForge, please tell me we can go—

Geordi: Yes, sir, we can…

Picard: Then make it so!

Divorced Barbie

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A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter’s birthday and he hadn’t bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager “How much is that new Barbie in the window?”

The Manager replied, “Which one? We have ‘Barbie goes to the gym’ for $19.95.. ‘Barbie goes to the Ball’ for $19.95 … ‘Barbie goes shopping for $19.95 …’Barbie goes to the beach’ for $19.95 ..’Barbie goes to the Nightclub’ for $19.95.. and ‘Divorced Barbie’ for $375.00”.

“Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?” Dad asked surprised.

“Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s car, Ken’s House, Ken’s boat, Ken’s dog, Ken’s cat and Ken’s furniture.”