Heaven and Hell

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Hell is a place where …

all the police are German;
the British are the chefs;
the Norwegians are the singers;
the French are in charge of organization;
the Australians are the lovers;
the Swiss run the navy;
the Americans are the brewers;
the Belgians put up the signposts;
all the comedians are Swedish;
the South Africans are in charge of racial integration;
the only logic is Irish;
the speech therapists are Scottish;
the Ethiopians are in charge of agricultural policy;
the Italians run the armed forces;
the Indians are in charge of birth control;
the tour companies are run by Icelanders;
all the economists are Brazilian;
the Serbs are in charge of human rights;
the Spanish are the road builders;
all the orphanages are run by Romanians;
…and the common language is Finnish;

Heaven is a place where …

the Germans are in charge of the organization;
all the police are British;
all the environmentalists are Norwegian;
the French are the chefs;
the Swiss are the bankers;
all the salesmen are American;
the Finns make the chocolate;
the Swedes are the lovers;
the goldmines are run by South Africans;
all the storytellers are Irish;
all the distillers are Scottish;
the opera singers are Italian;
the Danes are the brewers;
all the spices are provided by Indians;
the fishermen are Icelandic;
all the footballers are Brazilian;
the Spanish run the holiday resorts;
and the Dutch are the merchants.

Happy Fun Ball

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Only $14.95

Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly and children under 10 should avoid prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball.

Caution: Happy Fun Ball may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds.

Happy Fun Ball Contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at.

Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete.

Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs:

  • Itching
  • Vertigo
  • Dizziness
  • Tingling in extremities
  • Loss of balance or coordination
  • Slurred speech
  • Temporary Blindness
  • Profuse sweating
  • Heart Palpitations

If Happy Fun Ball begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head.

Happy Fun Ball may stick to certain types of skin.

When not in use, Happy Fun Ball should be returned to its special container and kept under refrigeration. Failure to do so relieves the makers of Happy Fun Ball, Wacky Products Incorporated, and its parent company Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and all liability.

Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball include an unknown glowing substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space.

Happy Fun Ball has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is also being dropped by our warplanes on Iraq.

Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.

Happy Fun Ball comes with a lifetime guarantee.

Happy Fun Ball – ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES!

42 Ways to Get Power from Your Hamster

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  1. Stick copper and zinc electrode-needles in opposite ends of hamster. Use in series for higher voltage.
  2. Shove them back and forth in Richard Gere’s butt. Creates static electricity.
  3. Go to Radio Chack and offer them the hamster in exchange for two AAA batteries.
  4. Attach the hamster to a hand-crank generator and then drop it onto a trampoline.
  5. Ignite in large numbers. Use heat released to drive steam turbine.
  6. Kidnap and threaten to torture. Extort ransom from animal-rights activists and other anti-cruelty types: demand payment in the form of electric current.
  7. Drop hamsters from great heights. Use water-mill like turbine to generate electricity.
  8. Drop large numbers of hamsters into tar pit, wait a few million years, drill for crude oil at same location to run electric turbine.
  9. Cold Fusion -> Steam Turbine. No explanation necessary.
  10. Any form of neutron capture / beta emission.
  11. Convince hamsters they’re really lemmings. Show cliff to hamsters. Install turbine halfway down cliff.
  12. Densely pack hamsters into flywheel shape. Spin rapidly. Attach generator.
  13. Put hamster on electricity-generating treadmill. Feed back small portion of generated electricity into hamster brain pleasure center. Watch him generate his little heart out!
  14. Seal large quantity of hamsters in air tight holding tanks. Add water. Allow suitable time to pass for decomposition. Collect methane gas resulting. Put gas in fuel cells.
  15. Smush mucho hamsters in a trough, use the drippings/blood to run a waterwheel for hydroelectric power.
  16. Give hamsters lots of shitty beer. Use piss and vomit to run hydroelectric generator.
  17. Skin hamster. Melt animal fat into tallow and then form candles. Heat steam turbine.
  18. Switch hamsters for P6 chips coming of Intel assembly lines. Saved electricity will be enormous. Cover performance loss by releasing new version of Windows NT at the same time.
  19. Build glass room. Put hamsters inside. Put cocaine inside. Ground the floor and attach negative leads to the ceiling.
  20. Have hamster steal one of kube’s magic cards. Leech power from resulting nuclear strike.
  21. Teach hamsters to play blackjack. Once they’re at the competitive level, convince Las Vegas hotel owners to convert to serving hamsters. Saved electricity from smaller lights, hotels, etc.
  22. Accumulate enough hamsters that the self-gravitational force causes the mass to shrink and heat up. Use thermocouples to generate energy.
  23. Raid PG&E corporate headquarters. Threaten to drop hamster down CEO’s pants unless he gives you a power plant.
  24. Get several dozen hamsters. Shoot them up with crystal meth. Attach dog sled.
  25. (This is, undoubtedly, the way to get the most power from them) Combine the hamster with an equal mass of antimatter — a anti-hamster if you will. Then harness the massive energy release for power….
  26. Have the Emperor warp and twist a hamster clone into an evil Anti-Hamster, Darth Hamster. This should be good for 4-6 sequels. Install tension to electricity converters into theatre.

  27.  a. Find a _good_ genetic engineer.
     b. Splice appropriate genes from electric eels into hamsters, because they’re smaller and cuter and, well, hamsters.
     c. Feed the hamsters.
     d. Surgically install appropriate electrodes.
     e. Periodically drain off the voltage.

    Unfortunately, this only gets you DC current.

    P.S. How could I have been so blind? Splice in genes from blue-green algae as well, and you wouldn’t even have to feed the hamsters! (Well, maybe some phosphorous and iron and stuff)

  28. Mail the electric company a dead hamster every day until they give you power for free.
  29. Crossbreed hamster with Mothra and use resulting giant mutant lightning- breathing hamster as power source.
  30. Give the hamster to Scotty, he’ll find some way to yeild 20% more power from the dilithium crystals.
  31. Take thousands of hamsters into orbit — when the orbit decays, they will heat up the atmosphere. With enough hamsters, you could raise the planets temperature as much as you want.
  32. Pull the hamster out of root@soda’s ass. Then when they turn red & embarrassed, use the heat from their red face to drive a Carnot engine.
  33. Ammass enormous quantities of hamsters until it reaches enough mass to begin hamsterfusion in the core. Use solar cells to convert radioation to electricity.
  34. Throw in more hamsters to 33 (above) until the hamsterstar goes supernova… you couldn’t want any more energy than that…
  35. Repeat 34 with another mass of hamsters… spin the resulting neutron-hamsters around each other in a binary orbit… use gravity waves to rotate hydro-turbine.
  36. Take five or six hits of acid. Tell yourself very firmly that hamsters _are_ electricity. (Well, they’ve got lots of electrons in them, yes?) Acquire hamsters however you choose; “operationally”, you’ve now got electricity. (I say “five or six hits”, because I find that things which were perfectly clear to me after _one_ hit, e.g., that the word “Krups” is actually an make onomatopeiac piece of German slang for an unprintable Viennese practice, make absolutely no sense afterwards; and Leary used to take five hits or so. QED.)
  37. Give them little magnetic collars, and run them through a maze of coiled wires.
  38. Reduce hamster to their component atoms. Compress the resulting plasma until it fuses. Transfer the released energy via heat/engine or energy conversion scheme of your choice.
  39. Take two hamsters, run one through a klein bottle to convert it to anti- matter. Combine the first hamster with the anti-hamster. Harness the resultant massive burst of energy as per #38 above.
  40. Drop hamster into black hole. Use photovoltaics to release the radiated energy.
  41. It is a well-known result of quantum field theory that all fields are symmetric under the combined action of time-reversal, charge-conjugation and parity-inversion operators: the familiar TCP symmetry. It is trivial to show that time reversal and charge conjugation both take fermions into their anti-particles. Use this to show that plucking hamsters from mirrors will produce beaucoup electromagnetic radiation. (Hint: Do you need to pull the hamsters out of the mirror _going_backwards_in_time_?) Ref: J. J. Sakurai, _Adv. Quan. Mech._
  42. Put female hamster scent on glass rod. Release male hamster. He will try to rub his furry coat against glass rod. Drawback: only creates static electricty.

Green Side Up

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A woman wants the inside of her house painted, so she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, “Now in the living room, I’d like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm.” The contractor nods thoughtfully, then goes to the window, leans out, and yells “Green side up”. The woman is most perplexed, but she lets it slide.

They wander into the next room. She says, “In the dining room, I’d like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy.” The contractor nods, then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells “Green side up”. The woman is even more perplexed, but still she lets it slide.

They wander further into the next room. She says, “In the bedroom, I’d like blue. Restful peaceful, cool blue.” The contractor nods, then once more he goes to the window, leans out, and yells “Green side up”. This is too much.

The woman has to ask. So she says, “Every time I tell you what I want in a room, you don’t even bother to write it down, but then you yell out the window “Green Side Up”. What on earth does that mean? Are you even paying attention to what I want?”

The contractor recites her color choices from memory, then shakes his head and says, “I have four Finns laying sod across the street, and I have to keep reminding them which side goes up.”

Lovingly dedicated to the memory of Wilho Miller, who often told me this favorite joke as a child.

Great, Scott!

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EAST FILABUCKET, NY (DenounceNewswire — October 30, 1997) —
Kimberly-Clark, makers of the popular Scott brand of bathroom tissue, today announced its new “HTTP://” brand of bathroom tissue targeted directly to the 90’s “digerati” market.

Scott Tissue is the world’s oldest and best-selling bathroom tissue, available in more countries than any other brand of tissue. Introduced in 1913, Scott Tissue is soft, strong and long lasting with 1,000-sheetrolls. The new “HTTP://” (pronounced “H,T,T,P Colon Slash Slash”) tissue will be available in one kilosheet (1024 sheet) rolls instead of the traditional 1000-sheet rolls. “If our test markets are any indicator, the 1K rolls should be a big hit with not only the geeks on the go, but also geeks who’ve got to go!”

Each sheet of the 1K-sheet rolls of “HTTP://” Tissue will feature a different image from a popular web page. The web page images are provided by a number of sponsors, most notably Microsoft Corporation, the lead sponsor with over 256 sheets displaying different screen shots from the company’s various web sites. In a bold marketing move, Microsoft and Kimberly-Clark agreed to co-market the “HTTP://” Tissue with the slogan, “When Do You Want to Go Today?”

General Motors HelpLine

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General Motors doesn’t have a help line for people who don’t know how to drive, because people don’t buy cars like they buy computers, but imagine if they did….

  • HelpLine: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”
    Customer: “I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!”
    HelpLine: “Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?”
    Customer: “What’s an ignition?”
    HelpLine: “It’s a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.”
    Customer: “Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?”

  • HelpLine: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”
    Customer: “My car ran fine for a week and now it won’t go anywhere!”
    HelpLine: “Is the gas tank empty?”
    Customer: “Huh? How do I know?”
    HelpLine: “There’s a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from ‘E’ to ‘F’. Where is the needle pointing?”
    Customer: “It’s pointing to ‘E’. What does that mean?”
    HelpLine: “It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you.”
    Customer: “What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!”

  • HelpLine: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”
    Customer: “Your cars suck!”
    HelpLine: “What’s wrong?”
    Customer: “It crashed, that’s what wrong!”
    HelpLine: “What were you doing?”
    Customer: “I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It
    worked for a while and then it crashed and it won’t start now!
    HelpLine: “It’s your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?”
    Customer: “I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn’t crash any more!”

  • HelpLine: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”
    Customer: “Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks.”
    HelpLine: “Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?”
    Customer: “How do I work it?”
    HelpLine: “Do you know how to drive?”
    Customer: “Do I know how to what?”
    HelpLine: “Do you know how to drive?”
    Customer: “I’m not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!”

Gilligan’s Island

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Years ago, CBS had a popular little series called Gilligan’s Island. There is, however, a dark secret about this “comedy” you may never have realized. The island is a direct representation of HELL. Nobody on the island wants to be there, yet none are able to leave. Each one of the characters represents one of the 7 deadly sins:

  • Ginger represents LUST – she wears skimpy outfits, is obsessed with her looks, and is a borderline nymphomaniac.
  • Mary Ann represents ENVY – she is jealous of Ginger’s beauty.
  • The Professor represents PRIDE – he is an annoying know-it-all.
  • Mr. Howell represents GREED – no explanation needed.
  • Mrs. Howell represents SLOTH – she has never lifted a finger to help on any of their escape plans.
  • The Skipper represents two sins: GLUTTONY – again, no explanation needed and ANGER – he violently hits Gilligan on each show.
  • This leaves Gilligan. Gilligan is the person who put them there. He prevents them from leaving by foiling all of their escape plots. Also, it is HIS island. Therefore, Gilligan is SATAN.

    …….. Crazy? He does wear red in every episode.

Pets at Home

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Mrs. Lonefold’s dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman.

He couldn’t accommodate her with an evening appointment, and, since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: “I’ll leave the key under the mat. “Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you the check. By the way, don’t worry about my Rottweiler. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!”

When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Lonefold’s apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen.

But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.

However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant cursing, yelling, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled: “Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!”

To which the parrot replied: “Get him, Brutus!

A Generic Ethnic Joke

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A person belonging to an ethnic group whose members are commonly considered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms met another person belonging to a different ethnic group with a different set of imputed stereotypical mannerisms. The first person acted in a manner consistent with the stereotypes associated with his ethnic group, and proceeded to make a remark which might be considered to establish conclusively his membership in that group, whereupon his companion proceeded to make a remark with a double meaning, the first meaning of which could be interpreted to indicate his agreement with his companion, but the other meaning of which serves to corroborate his membership in his particular ethnic group. The first person took offense at his remark, and reacted in a stereotypical way!

Reasons Jerry Falwell Thinks Your Favorite TV Character is a Homosexual

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  • Gilligan: Shipwrecked with a movie star but prefers to bunk with the Skipper.
  • Sipowicz: Sure seems to go through a LOT of partners.
  • The Nanny: Said all she wants for Valentine’s day is “a box from Tiffany.”
  • Reverend Robert Schuller: A robe *and* a crystal cathedral?
  • Fonzie: has an “office” in the men’s room and always tells guys to “sit on it.”
  • That Peter Jennings character on “ABC World News Tonight” is thin, neat and obsessed with the sex life of a guy named Bill.
  • Fred Flintstone & Barney Rubble: Fur house dresses? C’mon!
  • Cheers: Check the reruns closely – Woody lives up to his name whenever Norm walks into the bar.
  • Popeye: Vegetarian. Bodybuilder. Dresses like one of the Village People. “Girlfriend” has no visible breasts. You connect the dots, Chester.
  • Why do you think they were called “Sweathogs”?
  • Alex Trebek: Lives with his mom and knows *way* too much about Broadway musicals and potpourri.
  • The letters in “The Teletubbies” can be rearranged to read, “He bites eel butt.”
  • Batman & Robin: They caress a bust, which reveals a pole that they wrap themselves around and slide down which strips them of their clothes and puts them in rubber suits and… Okay, maybe Falwell’s got something here.
  • David Hasselhoff: 147 episodes of “Baywatch” with nary an erection.
  • “Dr. Quinn, Lesbian Woman”