- Day One: Shit.
- Day One again only the next day:
Have tried to kill husband twice.
Decide against washing dishes as always have cigarette when done.
Same for bathroom.
Am suddenly thinking this has upside.
Eating dried fruit, apricots, pears, and brown things that look like squished roaches,
which remind me of doobie roaches,
which remind me of cigarettes.
Watch husband light a cigarette; look at him pitifully.
Eat leftover beans from last night – that’ll show him.
Walk by computer and wave occasionally.
Can’t sit and write or surf as this has been main smoking area.
It’s about four-o’ clock now;
I could have just one, I could have just one,
I could have just one.
That’s Mr. Nicotine. He lives with me;
‘he’ could be a chick, but frankly,
right now, I don’t frigging care.
Decide to play fantasy game on Playstation.
Spend next three hours breeding Chocobos so game hero can save world. World doomed in my opinion. - Day two, morning:
Woke up two hours earlier than usual.
Great; two extra hours of fencing practice with the RJ Reynolds Company and spawn.
Seriously considering finding some hallucinogens as never had desire for nicotine during a really good walk through a wall.
Woke up six times during night to pee because I drank four gallons of water “to assist my system flush poison.”
Am feeling unusually testy as result of lack of sleep and deep-seated oral fixation fantasies.
Decide to either kill or have sex with mail carrier when post arrives. Probably both. - Day 2, afternoon:
See husband off to airport for business trip.
Clean closets. Nothing new in mail.
Did all laundry out of necessity – body of dead mail carrier would not fit in dryer otherwise.
Put in extra dryer sheets (Arm and Hammer, biodegradable.)
Decide to take walk.
Meet neighbor who asks if mail came yet.
She is smoking a cigarette.
I tell her no out of spite. - Day 3, morning:
Go through dead man’s mail bag;
Keep catalogues for joyous Christmas shopping.
Feed rest down garbage disposal. - Day 3, Afternoon:
Call garbage disposal repair. - Day 4: Receive visitor.
Police looking for missing mail carrier – received anonymous tip from garbage disposal repair person.
Make coffee and offer fat-free cookies and dried fruit.
Arrange dried fruit to make smiley faces on plate.
Police officer asks if I mind if he smokes.
Burst in to tears.
Confess. - Day 472:
Sentenced to death in murder of Postal Employee. (Federal crime.) - Day 478:
Beaten by seven large women in prison for having no cigarettes to trade.
Able to sing better now; make up prison blues songs. - Day 552:
Receive divorce papers:
husband marrying tobacco heiress.
Cell-mate offers to have ex husband whacked.
Wants twelve cartons of cigarettes and one pair Doc Marten boots.
Decide husband will live as price too steep. - Day 558:
Secure two cartons of cigarettes for payment to cell-mate to have defense attorney whacked.
Feel better. - Day 691:
Served last meal – minister asks if anything wanted at last moments.
Think back to how good cigarette after meals used to be.
Request one last smoke.
Minister reluctant, no smoking in federal building, but sneaks one in.
Sit back, relax, smoke. Ahhhhh.
Feel slightly dizzy, giddy, euphoric.
Warden enters cell excitedly;
Governor issues full pardon due to new Federal “It Takes a Village” crimes statute: allows for defense appeal of insanity by reason of severe nicotine withdrawal. - Day 1: Shit.
Diary of a Snow Shoveler
- December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
- December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be
a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again.
I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I
got to shovel again. What a perfect life. - December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man I’m glad he’s our neighbor.
- December 14: Snow lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snow plow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.
- December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.
- December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
- December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should have bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. Lord, I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.
- December 20: Electricity’s back on, but had another 14″ of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out.
Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.
- December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the butthole is lying.
- December 23: Only 2″ of snow today. And it warmed up to zero degrees. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s lying.
- December 24: 6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the darn snowplow.
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December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. Lord, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation, and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s an idiot. If I have to watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to kill her.
- December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.
- December 27: Temperature dropped to -30° and the pipes froze.
- December 28: Warmed up to above -10°. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!
- December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
- December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. 9″ predicted.
- December 31: Set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.
- January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
Now That We Have Your Attention
Dear Washington State residents:
The recent earthquakes were just a warning.
Now that we have your attention, sell us your power, give us back our sunshine, take back your rain and we’ll take back our earthquakes.
[signed] The People of California
Dear Milkman…
- “Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.”
- “Please don’t leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.”
- “Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.”
- “Milkman. please could I have a loaf but not bread today.”
- “Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I’ve been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.”
- “Sorry about yesterdays note. I didn’t mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.”
- “When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
- “Please knock. My TV’s broken down and I missed last nights Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened.”
- “My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle.”
- “Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.”
- “Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.”
- “From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don’t want any milk.”
- “My back door is open. Please put milk in ‘fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.”
- “Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.”
- “When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don’t leave any milk.
- “No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.”
- “Dear Milkman, I’ve just had a baby, please leave another one.”
Swedish Cooking
Once there was a man in a restaurant. He ordered a hamburger and got it 5 minutes later. He was fixing to eat it when he noticed a hair in it. He took
it to the counter and demanded another, so they got him a new one.
He went back to his seat and was getting ready to eat it when he noticed another hair. He took it back to the counter and demanded a hamburger
WITHOUT hair, so they got a new one. He went back to his seat and was getting ready to eat this one. He saw ANOTHER hair and was outraged.
He demanded to see how they were making their hamburgers. They took him back to the grills and there was an extremely large fat hairy Swedish
man making hamburger under his armpits. The man exclaimed “That’s DISGUSTING!”
The clerk replied, “If you think thats disgusting, you should see the way he makes donuts.”
Classified Ads
The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:
- free yorkshire terrier. 8 years old. Hateful little dog.
- free puppies:
1/2 cocker spaniel
1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog - free puppies…part german shepherd part stupid dog
- German shepherd 85 lbs.
Neutered. Speaks German. Free. - found: dirty white dog.
Looks like a rat…
Been out awhile..
Better be reward. - 1 man, 7 woman hot tub — $850/offer
- Amana washer $100.
Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed. - snow blower for sale…
Only used on snowy days. - 2 wire mesh butchering gloves:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15 - tickle me elmo, still in box,
comes with its own 1988 mustang,
5l, auto, excellent condition $6800 - cows, calves never bred…
Also 1 gay bull for sale. - 83 toyota hunchback — $2000
- star wars job of the hut — $15
- soft & genital bath tissues or
facial tissue 89 cents - full sized mattress.
20 yr. Warranty.
Like new. Slight urine smell. - free 1 can of pork & beans with
purchase of 3 br 2 bath home. - for sale:
lee majors (6 million dollar man) – $50 - nordic track $300
hardly used, call chubby - bill’s septic cleaning
“we haul American made products” - shakespeare’s pizza – free chopsticks
- hummels – largest selection ever
“if it’s in stock, we have it!” - get a little john:
the traveling urinal
holds 2 1/2 bottles of beer. - harrisburg postal employees
gun club - georgia peaches
california grown
89 cents lb. - nice parachute:
never opened – used once
slightly stained - free: farm kittens. Ready to eat.
- american flag
60 stars – pole included
$100 - tired of working for only $9.75
per hour? We offer profit
sharing and flexible hours.
Starting pay: $7 – $9 per hour. - exercise equipment:
queen size mattress and box springs
$175. - our sofa seats the whole mob and it’s made of 100% italian leather.
- joining nudist colony!
Must sell washer and dryer
$300. - lawyer says client is not that guilty.
- alzheimer’s center prepares for an affair to remember
- gas cloud clears out taco bell.
- open housebody shapers toning salon
free coffee and donuts - fully cooked boneless
smoked man
$2.09 lb
Chicken Control
A man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking about chickens being great creatures, and as such they had the right to go where they wanted.
The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his flower beds, and he had tried everything. Two weeks later, on a visit a friend noticed his flower beds were doing great. The flowers were beginning to bloom.
So the friend asked him how he managed to keep the birds away. “How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?”
“One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I wasn’t bothered after that.”
Kondomityypit
- Finnair kondomit – Illaksi kotiin.
- Viking Line kondomit – Itämeren punaisimmat…
- Nokia kondomit – Connecting people.
- Radiolinja varmuusväline – Jotta suomalaiset voisivat rakastella enemmän.
- Posti kondomit – Varmasti perille
- Sonera kondomit – Saat 300 markalla ilmaista panoaikaa
- Ericsson kondomit – …ja kaikki vain pienenee…
- Philips kondomit – Let’s make things better.
- Turva kondomit – Keskitä panosi Turvaan
- Avainlippu kondomit – Tiedät kyllä miksi.
- Camel kondomit – Miehille jotka laukeavat omia aikojaan.
- Nike kondomit – Just do it.
- Benetton kondomit – United genitals of Benetton.
- Pentium kondomit – Intel Inside
- Valintatalo kondomit – Jää enemmän aikaa yhdessäoloon
- Anttila kondomit – Saat Plussaa
- Citymarket kondomit – Mammuttimarkkinat
- Atria kondomit – Maistuis varmaan sullekin.
- HK kondomit – …ja panot paranee.
- Fazer kondomit – Sanokaa Fazer, kun haluatte hyvää.
- Uncle Ben’s kondomit – Onnistut aina.
- Felix kondomit – Joka kiloon Felix-kondomeja on käytetty 2 kiloa kumia
- Kellogs Rice Crispies kondomit – Kaada niihin “maitoa”, ne juttelevat sinulle!
- Tupla kondomit – Ei taida tyttö tietää, että ois seinän takana patukkaa tarjolla…
- Raiders kondomit – Siitä riittää kahdelle
- Mars kondomit – …ja jaksat pidempään.
- Dexit kondomit – Dexit Dexit on siemenen exit!
- Denivit kondomit – Denivit kondomi auttaa, kun tavallinen kondomi ei riitä… ja uskallat hymyillä
- Multitabs kondomit – Yksi päivässä riittää
- Berex kondomit – Pienille ja ei enää niin pienille leijonille
- Rexona kondomit – Aina löytyy tilaa, sille joka käyttää Rexonaa.
- Havi kortsu – Ei valu.
- Fairy kondomit – Entistä hellävaraisempi bakteereja tappava.
- Libero kondomit – Up & Go !
- Libresse kondomit – Ei reunavuotoja!
- Johnsson kondomit – Joka kodin putkimies
- Panu kondomit – Panu kestää isältä pojalle
- Volvo kondomit – Turvallisuustestien voittaja
- Honda kondomit – Happy together
- Neste kondomit – …ja matka jatkuu.
The 4 Types of Chain Letters
There are four basic types of chain letters:
Chain Letter Type I
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who as no arms, no legs, no parents, and no pecker. This little boy’s life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Starving Legless Armless Parentless Peckerless Little Boys from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Remember, we have no way of counting letters sent. So go on, reach out.
Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder- if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly and a mad goat will rape your dead body. Thanks again!!
Chain Letter Type lI: Make a wish!!!
(This is where you have to scroll down)
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Really, go on and make one wish!!!
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Oh please, s/he’ll never go out with you!!!
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Wish something else!!!
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Not *that* either, you pervert!!
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Is your finger getting tired yet?
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You Can Stop now moron!!!!!!!!
Wasn’t that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel guilty, here’s what I’ll do. First of all, if you don’t send this to a certain number of people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and then thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It’s true! Because, you know, THIS letter isn’t like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here’s how it goes.
Send this to 1 person: One person will be upset with you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be upset with you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
5-10 people: 5-10 people will be upset with at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
10-20 people: 10-20 people will be upset with at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
20 to 674,951 1/2 people: 20 to 674,951 1/2 people will be upset with you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!
Chain Letter Type III
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many little 8 year olds writing chain letters. So this is how it works. Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:
Queer Horror Story #1 Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the side walk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poop, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!
Queer Horror Story #2 Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it . Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way, especially at Oklahoma City University). They both died and went to hell. They continued to suffer in hell where they were both cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To You!!!
Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be Ok.
Of course, there’s the guy in Peoria Illinois who DID forward this on and then he married his secret crush, they moved to the suburbs, had 2.3
children and lived happily ever after.
Right up until he started working late every night, started an affair with his secretary and boozing. Then she started sleeping with the golf pro at the local country club, became addicted to sleeping pills and their 2.3 children got into gangs and drugs. Then everything went to hell, and they got divorced. She got the house and the kids, and he got the car and child support payment, and got to keep the mortgage payment, lost his job and his car and now is working the midnight shift at the local McDonald’s.
Chain Letter Type IV
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends.
Friends
– A friend is someone who is always at your side,
– A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like a wet dog,
– A friend is someone who likes you even though you’re disgustingly ugly,
– A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you’ve soiled yourself,
– A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your loser life,
– A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by a mad goat and then thrown to vicious dogs,
– A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn’t speak much English no, sorry that’s the cleaning lady
Now pass this on! If you don’t, Satan will send dogs in heat to your room in your sleep!!
There. Now that we’ve covered and dumped on the four main types of chain letters, onto the ironic part. In order for this to get any popularity, send it on!!! If you don’t think it was funny at all, don’t bother, but otherwise forward this sucker to everyone you know!! If you don’t, I don’t care. Thanks!
Remember, the moral of the story is, if you get a chain letter, ignore it.
TRASH IT!!! If it’s a joke or something, send it, sure! Just don’t forget to delete the chain letter part. But if it’s gonna make people feel guilty (i.e. the willieless boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen) or nervous (i.e. Miranda Pinsley who ended up in a waterfall of poop), just DELETE it.
Do yourself a favor, and everyone else in the world, and say NO!!! to BLOODY CHAIN LETTERS!!” Thank you.”
Amerikkalaisturisti
Amerikkalaisturisti oli Helsingissä ja matkaopas esitteli hänelle kaupunkia. He menivät Suurkirkkoon ja jenkki taivasteli, kuinka pientä ja vaatimatonta Suomessa on. Seuraavaksi opas vei turistin Eduskuntatalolle, ja jälleen jenkki ihmetteli kuinka pienessä ja mitättömässä rakenuksessa parlamentti työskentelee. Opasta rupesi tosissaan kututtamaan turistin mietteet. Sitten siili käveli tien yli, josta jenkki innostui:
– Mikäs eläin tuo on?
Opas keksi tilaisuutensa tulleen ja vastasi:
– Se on satiainen!