- 40-ish
48 - Adventurer
Has had more partners than you ever will - Athletic
Flat-chested - Average looking
Ugly - Beautiful
Pathological liar - Contagious Smile
Bring your penicillin - Educated
College dropout - Emotionally Secure
Medicated - Feminist
Fat; ball buster - Free spirit
Substance user - Friendship first
Trying to live down reputation as slut - Fun
Annoying - Gentle
Comatose - Good Listener
Borderline Autistic - New-Age
All body hair, all the time - Old-fashioned
Lights out, missionary position only - Open-minded
Desperate - Outgoing
Loud - Passionate
Loud - Poet
Depressive Schzophrenic - Professional
Real Witch - Redhead
Shops the Clairol section - Reubenesque
Grossly Fat - Romantic
Looks better by candle light - Voluptuous
Very Fat - Weight proportional to height
Hugely Fat - Wants Soulmate
One step away from stalking - Widow
Nagged first husband to death - Young at heart
Toothless crone
Tag Archives: lists
The Perfect Day
For Her
- 08:15 Wake-up to hugs and kisses.
- 08:30 Weigh in 5 pounds lighter than yesterday.
- 08:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.
- 09:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.
- 10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
- 10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out.
- 12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe.
- 12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend’s wife, she has gained 30 pounds.
- 13:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.
- 15:00 Nap.
- 16:00 3 dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer.
- 16:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage.
- 17:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before the mirror.
- 19:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
- 22:00 Hot shower (alone).
- 22:30 Make love.
- 23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
- 23:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.
For Him
- 06:00 Alarm.
- 06:15 Get oral sex.
- 06:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today.
- 07:00 Breakfast, Filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee.
- 07:30 Limo arrives.
- 07:45 Stoli Bloody Mary en-route to airport.
- 08:15 Private G4 to Augusta, Georgia (Coffee, Sports Illustrated and Wall Street Journal).
- 09:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
- 09:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under).
- 11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens.
- 12:15 Get oral sex.
- 12:30 Back nine Augusta (4 under).
- 14:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay martini).
- 14:30 Private G4, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap).
- 15:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew.
- 16:30 Land World Record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs).
- 17:00 G4 back home, massage & hand job en-route by naked Elle McPhereson.
- 18:45 Poop, shower and shave.
- 19:00 Watch CNN news-flash: Obama resigns; Hillary and Al Gore’s farm-animal video released and authenticated.
- 19:30 Dinner, Lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon (1963), 20 oz. New York Steak
- 21:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar.
- 21:30 Sex with three women.
- 23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi.
- 23:45 Bed (alone).
- 23:50 12 second, 4-octave, dog-leaves-the-room flatulence explosion.
- 23:55 Giggle oneself to sleep.
Outdoor Barbequing
Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing: It’s the only type of cooking a “real” man will do!
When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion:
- The woman goes to the store.
- The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
- The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
- The man places the meat on the grill.
- The woman goes inside to set the table and checks the vegetables.
- The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
- The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
- The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
- After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
- The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night off.”
And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.
Why Aren’t You Married Yet?
- You haven’t asked yet.
- I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
- What? And spoil my great sex life?
- Nobody would believe me wearing white.
- Just lucky, I guess.
- It gives my mother something to live for.
- My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.
- I’m still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
- Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
- I’m waiting until I get to be your age.
- It didn’t seem worth a blood test.
- I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
- Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
- They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
- I wouldn’t want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
- I guess it just goes to prove that you can’t trust those voodoo doll rituals.
- What? And lose all the money I’ve invested in running personal ads?
- We really want to, but my lover’s spouse just won’t go for it.
- I don’t want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
- Why aren’t you thin?
- I’m married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
- (Bonus reply for single mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.
Harsh Things to Say to a Naked Man
- I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.
- Ahhhh, it’s cute.
- Why don’t we just cuddle?
- You know they have surgery to fix that.
- Make it dance.
- Can I paint a smiley face on it?
- Wow, and your feet are so big.
- Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
- Oh no… a flash headache.
- (giggle and point)
- Can I be honest with you?
- How sweet, you brought incense.
- This explains your car.
- Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow.
- Why is God punishing me?
- At least this won’t take long.
- I never saw one like that before.
- But it still works, right?
- It looks so unused.
- Maybe it looks better in natural light.
- Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes?
- Are you cold?
- If you get me real drunk first.
- Is that an optical illusion?
- What is that?
- It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.
- Does it come with an air pump?
- So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.
- I guess this makes me the ‘early bird’.
Midlife for Women
- Midlife is when the growth of the hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
- Midlife women no longer have upper arms; we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts; we are flying squirrels in drag.
- Midlife has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.
- Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don’t bounce back. It’s more like splat!
- Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, “Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!”
- Midlife is when you realize that, if you were a dog, you would need a control top flea collar.
- Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old that you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
- You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and know it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in a film.
- Midlife brings the wisdom that “life throws you curves” and that you’re now sitting on your biggest ones.
- Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, “For this I have stretch marks?”
- Midlife is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you still retain is water.
- The good news about midlife is the glass is still half-full. Of course, the bad news is that it won’t be long before your teeth are floating in it.
- You know you’ve crossed the midlife threshold when you’re in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of “Stairway to Heaven” in the produce department.
- Midlife is when your 1970’s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally (more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin).
- Midlife is when you start to repeat yourself and your chins follow suit.
- You become more reflective in midlife. You start pondering the “big” questions: what is life, why am I here and how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it’s no longer a healthy choice.
Men and Women Compared
- Nicknames
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and Mark go out for a pint, they will affectionately refer to each other as FatBoy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless. - Eating Out
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and Mark will each throw in $20, even though the total bill is only $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. - Money
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want. - Bathrooms
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. - Arguments
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. - Cats
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats. - Future
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. - Success
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Marriage
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does. - Dressing
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings, funerals. - Looks
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. - Offspring
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Men Versus Women, Round 2
- Why do men become smarter during sex?
(because they are plugged into a genius) - Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
(they don’t have enough time) - Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
(they don’t stop for directions) - Why did God put men on earth?
(because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn) - Why don’t women have men’s brains?
(because they don’t have penises to put them in) - What do electri trains and breasts have in common?
(they’re intended for children but men usually end up playing with them) - Why do men snore when they lie on their backs?
(because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock) - Why do men masturbate?
(it is sex with someone they love) - Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
(so they won’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties) - Why did God make men before women?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy) - Why is a man’s pee yellow and his sperm white?
(so he can tell if he’s coming or going) - How many men does it take to put a toilet seat down?
(nobody knows, since it has never happened) - Arguments: A woman has the last word in any argument.
(Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument)
The Top Ten Things Men Know and Understand About Women
And of course,
Phrases Men Wish Their Women Would Say
- Of course I’ll swallow it all…I love the taste!
- Are you sure you’ve had enough to drink?
- I’m bored…let’s shave my pussy.
- Shouldn’t you be down at the bar with your buddies?
- That was a GREAT fart! Do another!
- I have decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
- You’re so sexy when you are hung over!
- I would rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
- Let’s subscribe to Hustler.
- Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
- Say, let’s go down to the mall so that you can check out women’s asses!
- I will be out painting the house.
- I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturdays, too.
- Honey? Our new neighbor’s daughter is sunbathing again…come see!
- I know it’s tighter back there, but will you PLEASE try again?
- No, no…I’ll take the car in for an oil change.
- Your mother is way better than mine!
- Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine’s Day thing and buy yourself some new golf clubs!
- I understand fully; our anniversary comes every year, for Christ’s sake! You go hunting with the guys. It’s a great stress reliever!
- What do you say we get a good porno movie, a 6-pack of Bud, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome?
- No, not the fucking mall again! Let’s try that new tittie bar instead!
- Listen…I make enough money for us both. Why don’t you retire and get that nagging handicap down to a 7 or 8?
- Honey, you need your sleep…stop getting up for night feedings!
- God, if I don’t get to blow you soon, I swear I am going to bust!
- I signed up for yoga classes so that I can get my ankles behind my head for you.
- Let’s just skip the foreplay and romance, and get right down to fucking!
- I am on my period, so why don’t you let me blow you? Better yet, go ahead and screw the secretary!