- Oy to the World
- Schlepping through a Winter Wonderland
- Hava Nagilah – The Megamix
- Bubbe Got Run Over by a Reindeer
- Enough with those God Damn Jingle Bells Already…Jeez!
- Matzo Man (by the Lower East Side Village People)
- I Have a Little Dreidel (the Barking Dog Version)
- Come on Baby, Light My Menorah
- Deck the Halls with Balls of Matzoh
- Silent Night? I Should Be So Lucky
Halloween Things that Sound Dirty… But Aren’t!
- She’s a goblin!
- I’d like to get a little something in the sack.
- Let me see your bag….OH!-You’re having a great night!
- Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
- She’s got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.
- If you just lick it, it’ll last longer.
- Show me your JuJuBees and I’ll let you see my Zagnuts.
- Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth.
- You scared me stiff!
- He’s got Candy spread out on the living room floor.
A Guide For Giving the Ideal Gift
- For a Man: Something that can be assembled, fixed, eaten, or played with.
- For a Child: Something that can be broken, eaten, or played with.
- For a Woman: Something that can be related to.
- For a Teacher: Something with class.
- For a Dog: Something that can be eaten, chewed, or chased.
- For a Dentist: Something that can be filled, drilled, or pulled.
- For a Postal Worker: Something that can be licked, or stamped.
‘Twas the Grumpy Night Before Christmas
‘Twas the night before Christmas
Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves
and threw down his list
Miserable little brats
ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind to scrap the whole works
I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of “Thanks Santa”
what do I hear
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money
The reindeer all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donna is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes
if that ain’t damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money
And the kids these days
they all are the pits
They want the impossible
Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls…
Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo’s
No request for them
They want computers and robots…
they think I’m IBM!
If you think that’s bad…
just picture this
Try holding those brats…
with their pants full of piss
They pull on my nose
they grab at my beard
And if I don’t smile…
the parents think I’m weird
Flying through the air…
dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I’m quitting this job…
there’s just no enjoyment
I’ll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There’s no Christmas this year…
now you know the reason
I found me a blonde…
I’m going South for the season!!
The Grinch Test
This is a set of essential personality tests to prepare you misfit readers for Christmas and your New Year’s resolutions:
- You reuse last year’s Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).
- You steal light bulbs from you neighbor’s outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor’s whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).
- You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer.(10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).
- You put out last year’s stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.
- You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale’s or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).
- You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.
- At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party).
- You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own (Southern California only, others ignore: 5 points).
- After an invitation to a friend’s house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made. (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).
- Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no (20 points).
Evaluate your score on the “Grinch Scale” from 20 to 100.
- 20-30: You are just a cheeseball.
- 30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.
- 50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.
Guide to Giving Gifts to Women
- Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make “housework” easier. A few examples: a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on TV that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. The only appliance allowed is a variable-speed vibrator, adjustable to Slow, Medium, and Who Needs A Man. Another wise choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling throughout the evening. In other words, if you must buy her something that plugs in, make sure it gives her the kind of pleasure you never have.
- Any bulk cleaning supplies (e.g., “Honey, I got you that large box of Tide you’ve been wanting!” … “This Windex should last you a while” … “I got a good deal on the industrial-strength toilet bowl cleaner.” All I can say is, be prepared to run (or die a painful death). One more thing: A Chia Pet is NOT a romantic gift.
- Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of Ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a “night out with the boys.”
- Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. “Honey, I’m sure you’ll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you.” By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter-inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift…unless, of course, she’s into tools — in which case, buy the damn drill SHE wants, not the drill YOU want.
- Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back, or a Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon-character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the sexy woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your girlfriend).
- No-name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, a ten-dollar whore or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.
- Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We do test them, you know.)
- Do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman’s clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you’re a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she’ll smile and say it’s beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, “Where the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?” An additional hint: plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). It’s a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo.
- Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to “Do these pants make me look fat?” A better alternative would be to hire a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit. She’ll certainly get a workout stretching to the oldies while stuffing dollar bills into his G-string. I’m not sure, but I think that alone burns up 3,500 calories.
- Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or “funny” novelty books like “How Not to Be a Bitch Sunday Through Saturday.” These are not considered gifts, but reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it — and just may stand up in court of law as grounds for justifiable homicide.
Best Uses for Fruitcake
- Bury them in the back yard for future archaeologists to discover.
- Give them to your child for a science project.
- Hang on to it to find out if there REALLY is more than one Fruitcake that’s making its rounds every year!!
- Use it to hold up a broken table or chair leg.
- Mash them down and use for mortar when buiilding a log cabin
- Use as exercise stepping block for step aerobics.
- Makes a wonderful dessert for Road Kill Cafe fare.
- Use them to pave the freeways with. Just place them on the road and run a steamroller over them.
- Use them as fillers to repair the river levees with! They last indefinitely and are so dense, water can never penetrate them.
- Last and probably least – try eating it! One way to get rid of it!
Fractured Christmas Carols
No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:
- Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
- We Three Kings of Porridge and Tar
- On the First Day of Christmas my Tulip Gave to Me
- Later on We’ll Perspire, as we Dream by the Fire.
- He’s Makin’ a List, Chicken and Rice.
- Noel. Noel, Barney’s the King of Israel.
- With the Jelly Toast Proclaim
- Olive, the Other Reindeer.
- Frosty the Snowman is a Ferret Elf, I Say
- Sleep in Heavenly Peas
- In the Meadow We Can Build a Snowman, Then Pretend that he is Sparse and Brown
- You’ll go Down in Listerine
- Oh, What Fun it is to Ride with One Horse, Soap and Hay
- Come, Froggy Faithful
- You’ll tell Carol, “Be a Skunk, I Require”
- Good Tidings We Bring to You and your Kid
The First Christmas Letter
Zikes! What a year! Joseph forgot to make reservations at the Bethlehem Inn (his carpentry projects aren’t the only thing made out of wood!). So they stick us in this stable full of stale hay and stinking animals and guess what??? I go right into labor. My OB doc said: “Make the trip.” Anyway, we have a new baby boy that we think is truly special. But it’s been a madhouse ever since!
First, we can’t agree on a name. Joseph likes Emmanuel – I’m holding out for Jesus. Next, all these shepherds stop by to gawk (as if the smell wasn’t bad enough). At least those three camel jockeys brought gifts (ever try to exchange myrrh without a receipt?) We can’t get a good night’s sleep with that stupid star shining through the cracks in the ceiling, and every store in town is sold out of swaddling.
Well, got to go! Joseph had another one of his goofy visions so I guess we’re off to Egypt. This time, I make the reservations!
All my love,
Mary
Elf Pick-Up Lines
- “I’m down here.”
- “Just because I’ve got bells on my shoes, doesn’t mean I’m a sissy.”
- “I was once a lawn ornament for ‘NSync. Want to meet them?”
- “I can get you off Santa’s naughty list.”
- “I have certain needs that can’t be satisfied by working on toys.”
- “I’m a magical being. Can I try to make your top and bra disappear?”
- “No, no. I don’t bake cookies. You’re thinking of those dorks over at Keebler.”
- “Get an eyedropper of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man.”
- “You’d look great in a Raggedy Ann wig.”
- “I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners.”