Tag Archives: Hanukah

Reasons Hanukkah is Better than Christmas

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  • There’s no “Kathy Lee Gifford Hanukkah Special.”
  • Eight days of presents (well… in theory, anyway).
  • More elephants in the Hanukkah story.
  • No need to clean the chimney.
  • There’s no latke-nog.
  • No roof damage from reindeer.
  • Dance of the Sugar-Plum Rebbe.
  • Burl Ives doesn’t sing Hanukkah songs.
  • Never a silent night when you’re among your Jewish loved ones.
  • You won’t be pressured to buy Hanukkah Seals.
  • Betting Hanukkah gelt (money) on candle races.
  • You won’t see, “You’re a Putz, Charlie Brown.”
  • Yes, Rivka’le, there is no Santa Claus.
  • No barking dog version of “I had a Little Dreidel.”
  • Naked spin-the-dreidel games.
  • No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards.
  • Fun waxy buildup.
  • No awkward explanations of virgin birth.
  • Latkes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.
  • Cheer optional.
  • No Irving Berlin songs.
  • You can’t be nailed to the menorah.

Hanukah Songs That Never Quite Caught On

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  • Oy to the World
  • Schlepping through a Winter Wonderland
  • Hava Nagilah – The Megamix
  • Bubbe Got Run Over by a Reindeer
  • Enough with those God Damn Jingle Bells Already…Jeez!
  • Matzo Man (by the Lower East Side Village People)
  • I Have a Little Dreidel (the Barking Dog Version)
  • Come on Baby, Light My Menorah
  • Deck the Halls with Balls of Matzoh
  • Silent Night? I Should Be So Lucky

The Dichotomy of Jewish Mothers

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  • On the first night of Chanukah, my Jewish mother said,
    “You’d better lose some weight or you’ll be dead.”

  • On the second night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
    “Have a few more latkes, but
    you’d better lose some weight or you’ll be dead.”

  • On the third night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
    “Here’s your chocolate dreidel,
    have a few more latkes, but
    you’d better lose some weight or you’ll be dead.”

  • On the fourth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
    “Taste my sugar cookies,
    here’s your chocolate dreidel,
    have a few more latkes, but
    you’d better lose some weight or you’ll be dead.”

  • On the fifth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
    “YOU’RE GETTING FAT!
    taste my sugar cookies,
    here’s your chocolate dreidel,
    have a few more latkes, but
    you’d better lose some weight or you’ll be dead.”

  • On the sixth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
    “Don’t you like the doughnuts?
    YOU’RE GETTING FAT!
    taste my sugar cookies,
    here’s your chocolate dreidel,
    have a few more latkes, but
    you’d better lose some weight or you’ll be dead.”

  • On the seventh night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
    “Take another brownie,
    YOU’RE GETTING FAT!
    taste my sugar cookies,
    here’s your chocolate dreidel,
    have a few more latkes, but
    you’d better lose some weight or you’ll be dead.”

  • On the eighth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
    “Try my home-made strudel,
    take another brownie,
    YOU’RE GETTING FAT!
    taste my sugar cookies,
    here’s your chocolate dreidel,
    have a few more latkes, but
    you’d better lose some weight or you’ll be dead.”