‘Twas the Grumpy Night Before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas
Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves
and threw down his list
Miserable little brats
ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind to scrap the whole works
I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of “Thanks Santa”
what do I hear
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money
The reindeer all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donna is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes
if that ain’t damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money
And the kids these days
they all are the pits
They want the impossible
Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls…
Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo’s
No request for them
They want computers and robots…
they think I’m IBM!
If you think that’s bad…
just picture this
Try holding those brats…
with their pants full of piss
They pull on my nose
they grab at my beard
And if I don’t smile…
the parents think I’m weird
Flying through the air…
dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I’m quitting this job…
there’s just no enjoyment
I’ll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There’s no Christmas this year…
now you know the reason
I found me a blonde…
I’m going South for the season!!