This is a set of essential personality tests to prepare you misfit readers for Christmas and your New Year’s resolutions:
- You reuse last year’s Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).
- You steal light bulbs from you neighbor’s outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor’s whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).
- You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer.(10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).
- You put out last year’s stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.
- You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale’s or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).
- You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.
- At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party).
- You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own (Southern California only, others ignore: 5 points).
- After an invitation to a friend’s house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made. (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).
- Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no (20 points).
Evaluate your score on the “Grinch Scale” from 20 to 100.
- 20-30: You are just a cheeseball.
- 30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.
- 50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.