Guide to Giving Gifts to Women

  • Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make “housework” easier. A few examples: a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on TV that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. The only appliance allowed is a variable-speed vibrator, adjustable to Slow, Medium, and Who Needs A Man. Another wise choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling throughout the evening. In other words, if you must buy her something that plugs in, make sure it gives her the kind of pleasure you never have.
  • Any bulk cleaning supplies (e.g., “Honey, I got you that large box of Tide you’ve been wanting!” … “This Windex should last you a while” … “I got a good deal on the industrial-strength toilet bowl cleaner.” All I can say is, be prepared to run (or die a painful death). One more thing: A Chia Pet is NOT a romantic gift.
  • Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of Ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a “night out with the boys.”
  • Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. “Honey, I’m sure you’ll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you.” By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter-inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift…unless, of course, she’s into tools — in which case, buy the damn drill SHE wants, not the drill YOU want.
  • Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back, or a Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon-character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the sexy woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your girlfriend).
  • No-name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, a ten-dollar whore or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.
  • Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We do test them, you know.)
  • Do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman’s clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you’re a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she’ll smile and say it’s beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, “Where the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?” An additional hint: plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). It’s a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo.
  • Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to “Do these pants make me look fat?” A better alternative would be to hire a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit. She’ll certainly get a workout stretching to the oldies while stuffing dollar bills into his G-string. I’m not sure, but I think that alone burns up 3,500 calories.
  • Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or “funny” novelty books like “How Not to Be a Bitch Sunday Through Saturday.” These are not considered gifts, but reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it — and just may stand up in court of law as grounds for justifiable homicide.