Halloween Things that Sound Dirty… But Aren’t!

  • She’s a goblin!
  • I’d like to get a little something in the sack.
  • Let me see your bag….OH!-You’re having a great night!
  • Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
  • She’s got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.
  • If you just lick it, it’ll last longer.
  • Show me your JuJuBees and I’ll let you see my Zagnuts.
  • Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth.
  • You scared me stiff!
  • He’s got Candy spread out on the living room floor.

You Didn’t Win the Hallowe’en Costume Contest Because…

  • The Bride of Frankenstein had big, pointy hair and a small, round ass, not the other way around.
  • ‘Cause you should know that wearing a white sheet in Atlanta could only lead to getting your ass whupped, Homeboy.
  • Your “Naked Linda Tripp” costume is actually more nauseating than scary.
  • Your “Yanni” costume got you beat up on the way to the party — four times.
  • Your Dirk Diggler costume is merely embarrassing now that your “Diggler” is stuck in the car door.
  • Your beret falls off every time you kneel.
  • Yellow Homer Simpson makeup? Check.
    Can of Homer Simpson “Duff Beer”? Check.
    Homer Simpson pants? DOH!!!!
  • No one can tell whether you came as Abe Vigoda or Marge Schott.
  • This year’s guest judge, Elizabeth Dole, has apparently never even *heard* of Marilyn Manson.
  • Much to your surprise, three other people came dressed as Nikola Tesla, father of alternating current.
  • The judges wrongly interpreted your “Liposuction By-product” costume as a “Bowl of Tapioca Pudding” costume.
  • The only song you knew to go with the costume was “Mammy,” and the judges at the NAACP party were not impressed.
  • *Nobody* likes a farting clown.
  • After your roommate insisted on being the front legs, you began to suspect that a burrito dinner wasn’t such a good idea.
  • Your “Ally McBeal” barfed in the judge’s trick or treat bag.
  • The Nike swoosh — while obscene to some — is just not all that scary emblazoned on a white sheet.
  • “Hey! Blue dress with a stain and a cigar! Why didn’t I think of that??”
  • Somehow your Snoop Dog costume just didn’t go over that big at the Quayle house.
  • Your kindergarten students failed to see the humor in your “Road Kill Barney” costume.
  • Unlike thousands of other Monica look-alikes, the semen on your dress is not *really* the President’s semen.
  • Although your “Internal Bus Architecture of the Intel Celeron Chip” costume was a big hit with the other engineers at the office, things are different out in the real world.
  • You can’t get the zipper on your Bill Clinton costume to stay down.
  • Looks like “Viagra Man” will be spending Halloween in jail for indecent exposure.
  • Something in her eyes tells you there was an inherent flaw in your plan of dressing up as the hostess’s dead husband in order to get laid.

Trick or Treat! What’s Your Sign?

  • Aries pushes the others aside to get to the door first.
  • Taurus will only eat the finest of Swiss chocolates.
  • Gemini goes around the neighborhood once, changes costumes and goes around again.
  • Cancer stays at home and gives candy to the other trick-or-treaters.
  • Leo plans their costume for months, then won’t go out because someone else had the same idea.
  • Virgo wears a neatly-pressed suit and tells everyone they’re a bookkeeper.
  • Libra is still standing in front of the closet trying to decide on a costume.
  • Scorpio isn’t in it for the candy.
  • Sagittarius will manage to wander to the next town.
  • Capricorn makes a list of all the houses that give good candy and the optimal route to take.
  • Aquarius builds their costume out of spare flashlights and spends all night tinkering when it shorts.
  • Pisces skips the whole thing to compose poetry to the Moon.