You Didn’t Win the Hallowe’en Costume Contest Because…

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  • The Bride of Frankenstein had big, pointy hair and a small, round ass, not the other way around.
  • ‘Cause you should know that wearing a white sheet in Atlanta could only lead to getting your ass whupped, Homeboy.
  • Your “Naked Linda Tripp” costume is actually more nauseating than scary.
  • Your “Yanni” costume got you beat up on the way to the party — four times.
  • Your Dirk Diggler costume is merely embarrassing now that your “Diggler” is stuck in the car door.
  • Your beret falls off every time you kneel.

  • Yellow Homer Simpson makeup? Check.
    Can of Homer Simpson “Duff Beer”? Check.
    Homer Simpson pants? DOH!!!!

  • No one can tell whether you came as Abe Vigoda or Marge Schott.
  • This year’s guest judge, Elizabeth Dole, has apparently never even *heard* of Marilyn Manson.
  • Much to your surprise, three other people came dressed as Nikola Tesla, father of alternating current.
  • The judges wrongly interpreted your “Liposuction By-product” costume as a “Bowl of Tapioca Pudding” costume.
  • The only song you knew to go with the costume was “Mammy,” and the judges at the NAACP party were not impressed.
  • *Nobody* likes a farting clown.
  • After your roommate insisted on being the front legs, you began to suspect that a burrito dinner wasn’t such a good idea.
  • Your “Ally McBeal” barfed in the judge’s trick or treat bag.
  • The Nike swoosh — while obscene to some — is just not all that scary emblazoned on a white sheet.
  • “Hey! Blue dress with a stain and a cigar! Why didn’t I think of that??”
  • Somehow your Snoop Dog costume just didn’t go over that big at the Quayle house.
  • Your kindergarten students failed to see the humor in your “Road Kill Barney” costume.
  • Unlike thousands of other Monica look-alikes, the semen on your dress is not *really* the President’s semen.
  • Although your “Internal Bus Architecture of the Intel Celeron Chip” costume was a big hit with the other engineers at the office, things are different out in the real world.
  • You can’t get the zipper on your Bill Clinton costume to stay down.
  • Looks like “Viagra Man” will be spending Halloween in jail for indecent exposure.
  • Something in her eyes tells you there was an inherent flaw in your plan of dressing up as the hostess’s dead husband in order to get laid.