- I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
- I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
- I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
- I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
- I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
- I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
- I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitely small, is not exactly zero.
- If at first I don’t succeed, there is always next year.
- I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
- I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
- I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
- I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
- I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
- I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator’s Society) if they ever get it organized.
With One Little Wave…
The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords. The crowd is huge – thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness, can’t help but have a little rivalry, both being heads of churches and all.
The Queen says to the Pope, “Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?”
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen, “Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice. They will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants.”
The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. “One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me.”
So the Pope slaps her.
Poor Jake
Jake, a farmer, had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. One day when he was out in the field, Jake’s wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake’s old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her
instantly.
At the wake, Jake’s minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down, but when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side. When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, “Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?”
“Well,” Jake replied, “The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, “Is that mule for sale?”
Oreos
Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:
- The whole thing all at once.
- One bite at a time.
- Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards.
- In little feverous nibbles.
- Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee…).
- Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
- Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
- Just the cookie, not the inside.
- I just like to lick them, not eat them.
- I don’t have a favorite way because I don’t like Oreos.
Your Personality:
- The whole thing
This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children. - One bite at a time
You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that’s okay, not to worry, you’re normal. - Slow and Methodical
You follow the rules. You’re very tidy and orderly. You’re very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you’re only going to go the speed limit. - Feverous Nibbles
Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good. - Dunked
Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction. - Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie.
You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior. - Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie.
You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that’s ok, you don’t care, you got yours. - Just the cookie, not the inside.
You enjoy pain. - I just like to lick them, not eat them.
Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help – immediately. - I don’t have a favorite way, I don’t like Oreos.
You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a priss.
Occupational Hazards
- OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balance.
- OLD ACTORS never die, they just drop a part.
- OLD ACTUARIES never die, they just get broken down by age and sex.
- OLD ARCHERS never die, they just bow and quiver.
- OLD ARCHITECTS never die, they just lose their structures.
- OLD BALLOONISTS never die, they just get higher and higher.
- OLD BANKERS never die, they just lose interest.
- OLD BASEBALLS never die, they just get pitched.
- OLD BASKETBALL players never die, they just go on dribbling.
- OLD BEEKEEPERS never die, they just buzz off.
- OLD BLONDES never fade, they just dye away.
- OLD BOOKKEEPERS never die, they just lose their figures.
- OLD BOTANISTS never die, they just wither away.
- OLD BOWLERS never die, they just end up in the gutter.
- OLD CARDIAC SURGEONS never die, they just get bypassed.
- OLD CASHIERS never die, they just check out.
- OLD CASHIERS never die, they just get distilled.
- OLD CHAUFFEURS never die, they just lose their drive.
- OLD CHICKENS never die, they just get fried.
- OLD CLEANING PEOPLE never die, they just kick the bucket.
- OLD CLOTHIERS never die, they just lose their shirts.
- OLD COMPUTER USERS never die, they just lose their memory.
- OLD COOKS never die, they just get deranged.
- OLD COWS never die, they just kick the bucket.
- OLD DAIRYMEN never die, they just get butter and butter.
- OLD DAREDEVILS never die, they just get discouraged.
- OLD DEANS never die, they just lose their faculties.
- OLD DOCTORS never die, they just go to the hospital.
- OLD DOCTORS never die, they just lose their patience.
- OLD DOUGHBOYS never die, they just get rolled out.
- OLD EGYPTIAN TOURISTS never die – they just go senile.
- OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just lose contact.
- OLD ENGINEERS never die, they just lose their bearings.
- OLD EXTERMINATORS never die, they just bug out.
- OLD FARMERS never die, they just go to seed.
- OLD FIREFIGHTERS never die, they just go to blazes.
- OLD FISHERMEN never die, they just smell that way.
- OLD FROGS never die, but they do croak.
- OLD FULLBACKS never die, they just kick off.
- OLD GARDENERS never die, they just spade away.
- OLD GLASS never dies, it just gets smashed.
- OLD GOLFERS never die, they just lose their balls.
- OLD GOLFERS never die, they just putter away.
- OLD GOSSIPERS never die, they just lose their confidants.
- OLD GRUNGE ROCKERS never die, they just cut their hair, and nobody recognizes them.
- OLD GUNS never die, they just get loaded.
- OLD HIKERS never die, they just get the boot.
- OLD HIPPIES never die, they just smell that way.
- OLD HUMAN CANNONBALLS never die, they just get fired.
- OLD HUNTERS never die, they just stay loaded.
- OLD HYPOCHONDRIACS never die, they just lose their grippe.
- OLD INVESTORS never die, they just roll over.
- OLD JANITORS never die, they just get swept up.
- OLD JOURNALISTS never die, they just get de-pressed.
- OLD KEY PUNCH OPERATORS never die, they just punch out.
- OLD KINGS never die, they just get throne away.
- OLD LAWYERS never die, they just loose their briefs.
- OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their appeal.
- OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their judgement.
- OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just close the book.
- OLD LIMBO DANCERS never die, they just go under.
- OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just disappear.
- OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just disintegrate.
- OLD MECHANICS never die, they just get well lubricated.
- OLD MECHANICS never die, they just retire.
- OLD MILKMAIDS never die, they just lose their whey.
- OLD MUFFLERS never die, they just get exhausted.
- OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just decompose.
- OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just get played out.
- OLD OWLS never die, they just don’t give a hoot.
- OLD PACIFISTS never die, they just go to peaces.
- OLD PAINTERS never die, they just get plastered.
- OLD PARAKEETS never die, they just get cheeper and cheeper.
- OLD PERSONNEL AGENTS never die, they just get hire and hire.
- OLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they just stop developing.
- OLD PILOTS never die, they just go to a higher plane.
- OLD PILOTS never die, they just take off.
- OLD PLUMBERS never die they just smell that way.
- OLD POLICEMEN never die, they just cop out.
- OLD POLITICIANS never die, they just run once too often.
- OLD POSTMEN never die, they just lose their zip.
- OLD PRINCIPALS never die, they just lose their faculties.
- OLD PRINTERS never die, they’re just not the type
- OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just go to bits.
- OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just loose their memory.
- OLD PROGRAMMING WIZARDS never die, they just recurse.
- OLD QUARRY WORKERS never die, they just get blasted.
- OLD QUARTERBACKS never die, they just pass away.
- OLD ROCKHOUNDS never die, they just slowly petrify.
- OLD SAILORS never die, they just get a little dingy.
- OLD SCHOOLS never die, they just lose their principals.
- OLD SCULPTORS never die, they just lose their marbles.
- OLD SEERS never die, they just lose their vision.
- OLD SEWAGE WORKERS never die, they just waste away.
- OLD SNACK VENDORS never die, they just cash in their chips.
- OLD SOLDIERS never die . . . just young ones!
- OLD STATUES never die, they just get busted.
- OLD STEELMAKERS never die, they just lose their temper.
- OLD STUDENTS never die, they just get degraded.
- OLD TANNERS never die, they just go into hiding.
- OLD TEACHERS never die, they just lose their class.
- OLD TIRE INSTALLERS never die, they just go down the tubes.
- OLD TRASH HAULERS never die, they just get down in the dumps.
- OLD VETERINARIANS never die, they just go to the dogs.
- OLD WHEELS never die, they just get retired.
- OLD WHITE WATER RAFTERS never die, they just get disgorged.
- OLD WRESTLERS never die, they just lose their grip.
Obtainable Affirmations
- As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
- I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
- I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.
- I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.
- In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
- Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.
- My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.
- I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.
- I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
- I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
No Vacancy
A Jewish man, a Polish man, and a man from India are driving around looking for a hotel. Unfortunately a convention happens to be in town that night, and there are no rooms available. They wind up driving to the outskirts of the city where at last they come across a motel with a VACANCY sign. They stop and go in to register.
“I’m sorry,” says the clerk, “but we only have one room left and it’s only a double.”
The three men explain how desperate they are, and so the clerk says, “Okay, I know what we can do. One of you men can sleep out in the barn. Don’t worry, though, we’ll put a cot out there and make it nice and comfortable for you.”
The clerk then shows them to their room, and as he is leaving he says, “It’s up to you three to decided who is going to sleep in the barn.”
Without hesitation, the man from India says, “No problem, I’ll sleep in the barn.”
He leaves, and a few minutes later, as the other two men are getting ready for bed, they hear a knock at the door. They open it, and the Indian man is standing there. “So sorry,” he says, “I cannot sleep with the sacred cow.”
“So, I’ll sleep in the barn,” says the Jewish man, and he leaves. A few minutes later the other two men hear a knock on the door. They answer it, and the Jewish guy is standing there. He shrugs and says, “Can’t sleep with the pig.”
So the Polish guy says, “I guess I’ll sleep in the barn.”
He leaves. The Indian and the Jewish man are beginning to undress when they hear a sound at the door. They open it and the pig and cow are standing there.
Judi’s New Job
An old woman in the West Virginia hills received a letter from her grandniece, who’d gone off to the big city to seek her fortune. Puzzled by the writing and the contents, she read to her husband, “Judi says here that she’s got herself a job in a .. a . . a . . well, it must be a *message* parlor.”
“I reckon city folks must leave word there fer their neighbors and kinfolk. Them not having back fences and all,” her husband said. “Does Judi say how much they’s a payin’ her?”
“Well, that’s the part I can’t make out. For the life of me, Paw, she says she gets some $35 for a hand delivered message and $60 if she *blows* it to them!”
New TV Programs
Shows that may be appearing on TV soon, as a result of the electronic and computer age:
- Modem, She Wrote
Each week, our intrepid detective tries to solve the ultimate mystery: why her modem won’t ever connect at 56k. - Micro-CHiPs
Ponch and Jon now patrol the Information Superhighway. - Carly’s Angels
Chief exec Carly Fiorina instructs her team of three vixen market analysts on how to prop up HP’s sagging stock price. - Hawaii 6.0
An upgraded version of the classic series. Steve McGarrett goes surfing for bad guys online. - T. J. Hacker
A retired cop, with an uncanny resemblance to James T. Kirk, takes up computer hacking to track down the miscreants who canceled his TV show. - The Excel Files
Inexplicable things are happening to the data in Microsoft Excel spreadsheets. Can this puzzle be solved? The truth is out there. - The AOL-Team
Each week, AOL, Time Warner, Netscape, and Mr. TT unite to promote corporate mergers and make the world safe for capitalism. - Magnum, PC
This series about a crime-solving personal computer that goes by the code name Deep Blue is based in beautiful Hawaii. Season finale cliff-hanger: Will Deep Blue be seduced by the wily charms of the Texas Instruments Speak ‘n’ Spell? - The Incredible Bulk
The exciting adventures of Windows, which just keeps growing and growing. - Buffy the Virus Slayer
Buffy and her fearless gang of antivirus definitions stalk and kill VBS files– no small feat while wearing a halter top and high-heeled boots.
New Cigarette Ads
- Warning: cigarettes give you a raspy voice that makes you sound as cool as you look.”
- [Cough] [hack hack] [cough] [thpt] Smooooth.”
- “Don’t worry; you have an extra lung.”
- “All of a sudden, your wife nagging you about smoking isn’t nearly as annoying, is it?”
- “…That was the sound of a 65-year-old smoker hocking up a lung oyster at three in the morning.”
- “Are you sure you wouldn’t rather have a carrot stick?”
- “Betcha can’t smoke just one.”
- “I have less tar and nicotine than the leading brands, you big pansy.”
- “Buy another pack. Tobacco settlements don’t pay themselves, you know.”
- “The Marlboro Man has determined that the Surgeon General is a pussy.”
- “Each cigarette shortens your life by three minutes, so smoke faster.”
- “You have smoked… THREE… packs today. At this rate you will develop emphysema in… FIVE… years.”