- Fake Rolex salesmen must offer fake warranty information.
- New rule for cabbies: driving naps should not exceed 12 minutes.
- Only 7 Starbucks per block are allowed.
- Get the rats out of subway and putting them back in the restaurants where they belong.
- Change meaning of middle finger gesture to: “lookin’ good, neighbor.”
- Shine Bat Signal into night sky; when Batman shows up, hand him a broom and a pooper scooper.
- All drive-by gunmen must carpool. (Wait, isn’t this one for LA?)
- If Yankees win the World Series again, they can clean up the ticker tape themselves.
- Forming task force to get Clinton to move to New Jersey.
- Selling sex on street corners after 2 AM is now prohibited.
- Women’s Rights Groups have won a court action to rename the famous street “Broadway” to “His and Her Way.”
- Grant’s Tomb only had 22 visitors last year, so the city has licensed it to a Kosher Sushi Bar franchise.
A New Merger
Well, despite the fact that AOL Time Warner has lost over half of its value and threw out their CEO, Gerald Levin, it hasn’t stopped other companies from talking about doing mega-merger deals.
For instance, did you hear that Yahoo, in a 5-1 stock split, plus some capital from Microsoft, is planning on taking over Disney, Data General, and United Health Care?
Yep.
The new company will be called:
Hoo-Dis, Hoo-Dat, and Hoo-Cares.
New Gadgets Used by James Bond
- Condom that doubles as a self-inflating hot-air balloon (with reservoir tip)
- “The Cartman” — an anal probe that facilitates otherwise impossible ski moves
- Palm Pilot with porn pictures to distract bad guys
- Condom coated with truth serum
- Can of whoop-ass disguised as a Diet Coke
- Miniature caulking gun for holes in the plot
- Giant foam hand that says “British Secret Service #1!”
- Viagra Martini: for when he’s shaken, not stirred
- Really grippy pliers
- Cool British sports car that — get this — actually *runs*!
- Whatever it is, I bet a cheap plastic replica of it will fit in a Happy Meal.
Where Is My Water?
An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department.
The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant, Abdul, to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed.
“Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?” demanded the Grand Emir.
“A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One,” stammered the wretched Abdul, “but a man is sitting on the well.”
Hacker Barbie!
Date: Thu, 30 Oct 1997 14:08:27 -0400
(LA, California) Mattel announces their new line of Barbie products, the “Hacker Barbie.” These new dolls will be released next month. The aim of these dolls is to revert the stereotype that women are numerophobic, computer-illiterate, and academically challenged.
This new line of Barbie dolls comes equipped with Barbie’s very own xterminal and UNIX documentation as well as ORA’s “In a Nutshell” series. The Barbie is robed in a dirty button-up shirt and a pair of worn-out jeans with Casio all-purpose watches and thick glasses that can set ants on fire. Pocket protectors and HP calculators optional. The new Barbie has the incredible ability to stare at the screen without blinking her eyes and to go without eating or drinking for 12 hours straight. Her vocabulary mainly consists of technical terms such as “IP address,” “TCP/IP,” “kernel,” “NP-complete,” and “Alpha AXP’s.”
“We are very excited about this product,” said John Olson, Marketting Executive, “and we hope that the Hacker Barbie will offset the damage incurred by the mathophobic Barbie.” A year ago, Mattel released Barbie dolls that say, “Math is hard,” with condescending companions Ken. The Hacker Barbie’s Ken is an incompetent consultant who frequently asks Barbie for help.
The leading feminists are equally excited about this new line of Barbie dolls. Naomi Wuuf says, “I believe that these new dolls will finally terminate the notion that women are inherently inferior when it comes to mathematics and the sciences. However, I feel that Ken’s hierarchical superiority would simply reinforce the patriarchy and oppress the masses.” Mattel made no comment.
Parents, however, are worried that they would become technologically behind by comparison to the children when the Hacker Barbie comes out. “My daughter Jenny plays with the prototype Hacker Barbie over yonder for two days,” says Mrs. Mary Carlson of Oxford, Mississippi, “and as y’all know, she now pays my credit card bill. Ain’t got no idea how she duz it, but she surely duz it. I jus don’t wanna be looked upon as a dumb mama.” Mattel will be offering free training courses for those who purchase the Hacker Barbie.
The future Hacker Barbie will include several variations to deal with the complex aspects of Barbie. “Hacker Barbie Goes to Jail” will teach computer ethics to youngsters, while “BARB1E R1TES L1KE BIFF!!!” will serve as an introduction to expository writing.
Graduate School Barbie
Graduate School Barbie comes in two forms: Delusional Master’s Barbie and Ph.D. Masochist Barbie. Every Graduate School Barbie comes with these fun filled features guaranteed to delight and entertain for hours:
- Grad School Barbie comes out of the box with a big grin on her face that turns into a frown after 2 weeks or her first advisor meeting (whichever comes first). Adorable black circles under her delightfully bloodshot eyes.
- Comes with two outfits: a grubby pair of blue jeans and 5 year old gap T-shirt, and a floppy pair of gray sweatpants with a matching “Go Screw Yourself” T-shirt.
- Grad School Barbie talks! Just press the button on her left hand and hear her say such upbeat grad school phrases like, “Yes, Professor, It’ll be done by tomorrow” “I’d love to write it all over again” and “Why didn’t I just get a job, I could have been making $40,000 a year by now if I had just started working with a Bachelor’s. But noooooo, I wish somebody would drop a bomb on the school so that I’d have an excuse to stop working on my degree that’s sucking every last drop of life force out of my withered and degraded excuse for a soul…” (9 V lithium batteries sold separately)
- Grad School Barbie is anatomically correct to teach kids about the exciting changes that come with pursuing a higher education. Removable panels on Barbie’s head and torso allow you to watch as her cerebellum fries to a crispy brown, her heart race 150 beats per minute, and her stomach lining gradually dissolve into nothing. Deluxe Barbie comes with specially designed eye ducts. Just add a little water, and watch Grad School Barbie burst into tears at random intervals. Fun for the whole family!
Other accessories include:
- Grad School Barbie’s Fun Fridge Well stocked with microwave popcorn, Coca-Cola, Healthy Choice Bologna (99% fat free!), and small bottle of Mattel Brand Rum.
- Grad School Barbie’s Medicine Cabinet. Comes in Fabulous pink and contains Barbie sized bottles of Advil, St. Johns Wort, Zantac, and your choice of three fun anti-anxiety drugs! (Barbie Medicine Cabinet not available without a prescription)
- Grad School Barbie’s Computer Workstation. Comes with miniature obsolete PC (pink of course), rickety desk, and over a dozen miniature Mountain Dew cans to decorate your workstation with (Mountain Dew deposit not included in price, tech support sold separately)
And Grad School Barbie is not alone! Order now and you’ll get two of Barbie’s great friends!
- GRADUATE ADVISOR KEN: Barbie’s mentor and advisor in her quest for increased education and decreased self esteem. Grad Advisor Ken ™ comes with a supply of red pens and a permanent frown. Press the button to hear Grad Advisor Ken deliver such wisdom to Barbie as “I need an update on your progress” “I don’t think you’ll be ready to graduate yet” and “This is no where near ready for publication.” Buy 3 or more dolls, and you can have Barbie’s Thesis Committee! (Palm Pilot and tenure sold separately.)
- REAL JOB SKIPPER: When Barbie needs to talk, she knows that she can always count on her good friend Real Job Skipper ™, who got a job after getting her bachelor degree. Press the button to hear Real Job Skipper say, “Sometimes I wish I went for my masters degree” and “Work is so hard! I had to work a half an hour of overtime!” Real Job Skipper’s Work Wardrobe and Savings account sold separately. WARNING: Do not place Grad Student Barbie and Real Job Skipper too close to each other, as there have been several mysterious cases of children leaving the room and coming back to find Barbie’s hands mysteriously fused to Skipper’s throat.
Limited Edition Colorado Barbie
Mattel recently announced the release of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls for the Colorado Market:
- Highlands Ranch Barbie
This princess Barbie is only sold at Park Meadows Mall. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with “augmented” version. - Englewood Barbie
This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. - Colfax Barbie
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don’t know what you are talking about. - Cherry Creek Barbie
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H3. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them. - Commerce City Barbie
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six pack of Coors light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s butt when she’s drunk. Purchuse her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker bsolutely free. - Aspen Barbie
This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print ski outfit and drinks Cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the lodge. Optional Percocet prescription available. - Thornton Barbie
This tobacco chewing, brassy haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gutted Ken out of Commerce City Barbie’s house. Her ensemble includes low rise acid washed jeans, fake finger nails, and a see through halter top. Also available with a mobile home and 8-track tape player. - Boulder Barbie
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her “Willow”. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Boulder Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free. - Ft. Collins Barbie
She’s basically Boulder Barbie, but with all the accessories of Highlands Ranch Barbie, plus a kayak and mountain bike. Ft. Collins Ken includes a teeny tiny little Ph.D. diploma in entomology, which enables him to double as a professional fly-fishing-consultant action figure ($1200 graphite fly rod and miniature accessories licensed from Orvis sold separately) - Aurora Barbie
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his ’79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant. - Arvada Barbie
She’s perfect in every way. We don’t know who Ken is cause he’s always hunting. - Greeley Barbie
This Spanish Speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three baby Barbies in the back seat, but no car seats. The optional Ken doll comes with a Meat Packers uniform and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green Cards are not available for Barbie or Ken. - Four Corners Barbie
This Barbie is the only Native American Barbie, She sits in a booth and sells Native American Art for large sums of money to tourists. - Rifle Barbie
This Barbie comes with various bruises and several restraining orders. Front teeth missing, but optional denture is available as well as broken down barrel horse and shot glass collection. - Glenwood Springs Barbie
This Barbie comes with her own mountain bike. Available with SUV, complete with Kayak on the roof and dog in the back. Optional Ken doll also comes with his own mountain bike and dog.
Mud!
A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were hard, he had determined to take them to the county fair and sell them. While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another and so they agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate their pigs. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 am., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle they had, and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, “How will I know if they are pregnant?” The other farmer replied, “If they’re in the grass grazing in the morning, then they’re pregnant. If they’re in the mud, then they’re not.”
The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again. The following morning, MUD again!!!
This continued all week until one morning the farmer was so tired that he couldn’t get out bed. He called to his wife, “Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field.”
“Neither,” reported his wife. “They’re in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn.”
The Movie Rating System Explained
- G ··· Nobody gets the girl.
- PG ··· The Good Guy gets the girl.
- R ··· The Bad Guy gets the girl.
- X ··· Everybody gets the girl.
- XXX ··· Everybody gets the girl and her best friend.
Modern Television Barbies
Mattel may not want to turn Barbie into a middle aged doll as some women suggested. Still others say it is high time for Ms. Roberts to get in touch with the modern times. Here are some suggestions for a 90’s type of Barbie.
- Bisexual Barbie
Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken. - Bitten Bullet Barbie
An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood, and the ability to perform surgery on herself in the Outback. - Blue Collar Barbie
Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier’s aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies holding down two jobs in order to make ends meet. - Our Barbies Ourselves
Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside and out; comes with spreadable legs, her own speculum, magnifying glass, and detailed diagrams of female anatomy so that little girls can learn about their bodies in a friendly, non threatening way. Also includes tiny Kotex, booklets on sexual responsibility. Accessories such as contraceptives, sex toys, expanding uterus with fetuses at various stages of development and breast pump are all optional, underscoring that each young woman has the right to do what she chooses with her own Barbie. - Robotic Barbie
Hey kids! Experiment with an autonomous two legged walking machine! After falling over, she says “Control theory is hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!” - Melrose Place Barbie
Comes with her own Barbie Dream Apartment, where Skipper and the rest of the gang live together. Other accessories include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets, and an arrest warrant. - Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman
This helpful doll offers other homesteaders important tips like what conditioner to use on the Plains, and how to take care of one’s nails while shoeing a horse. - America’s Most Wanted Barbie
She’s on the run after 30 years of crimes against feminism! - Oprah Barbie
Push a button on her back and she actually speaks! Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough math class really is, Ballerina Barbie’s struggle with bulimia, Kens who wear Barbie’s clothes. - My So-called Barbie
She faces the same troubling issues as teens who don’t have huge wardrobes, perfect bods, pools, ponies and boyfriends. - Roseanne Barbie
The dark side of the American Dream is explored with this doll, which shows what happens after Barbie graduated from high school, married too young and ate too much. - Murder, Barbie Wrote
Whenever this elder states woman of the Barbie set (she’s 27!) arrives in the playhouse, all the other dolls mysteriously disappear.