Hacker Barbie!

Date: Thu, 30 Oct 1997 14:08:27 -0400

(LA, California) Mattel announces their new line of Barbie products, the “Hacker Barbie.” These new dolls will be released next month. The aim of these dolls is to revert the stereotype that women are numerophobic, computer-illiterate, and academically challenged.

This new line of Barbie dolls comes equipped with Barbie’s very own xterminal and UNIX documentation as well as ORA’s “In a Nutshell” series. The Barbie is robed in a dirty button-up shirt and a pair of worn-out jeans with Casio all-purpose watches and thick glasses that can set ants on fire. Pocket protectors and HP calculators optional. The new Barbie has the incredible ability to stare at the screen without blinking her eyes and to go without eating or drinking for 12 hours straight. Her vocabulary mainly consists of technical terms such as “IP address,” “TCP/IP,” “kernel,” “NP-complete,” and “Alpha AXP’s.”

“We are very excited about this product,” said John Olson, Marketting Executive, “and we hope that the Hacker Barbie will offset the damage incurred by the mathophobic Barbie.” A year ago, Mattel released Barbie dolls that say, “Math is hard,” with condescending companions Ken. The Hacker Barbie’s Ken is an incompetent consultant who frequently asks Barbie for help.

The leading feminists are equally excited about this new line of Barbie dolls. Naomi Wuuf says, “I believe that these new dolls will finally terminate the notion that women are inherently inferior when it comes to mathematics and the sciences. However, I feel that Ken’s hierarchical superiority would simply reinforce the patriarchy and oppress the masses.” Mattel made no comment.

Parents, however, are worried that they would become technologically behind by comparison to the children when the Hacker Barbie comes out. “My daughter Jenny plays with the prototype Hacker Barbie over yonder for two days,” says Mrs. Mary Carlson of Oxford, Mississippi, “and as y’all know, she now pays my credit card bill. Ain’t got no idea how she duz it, but she surely duz it. I jus don’t wanna be looked upon as a dumb mama.” Mattel will be offering free training courses for those who purchase the Hacker Barbie.

The future Hacker Barbie will include several variations to deal with the complex aspects of Barbie. “Hacker Barbie Goes to Jail” will teach computer ethics to youngsters, while “BARB1E R1TES L1KE BIFF!!!” will serve as an introduction to expository writing.

Signs Someone Is Using Your Email Account

  • “Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?”
  • One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.
  • You are served with a search warrant for all those porn pics that keep arriving in your email box.
  • Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.
  • When you log on, your computer says “You’ve got lawsuits!”
  • Your inbox is filled with sheep porno and you’re strictly a goat porno kind of guy.
  • You’re suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.
  • Sotheby’s says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.
  • Terse “Knock it off, Oedipus” email from your Mom.
  • Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.
  • “The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately.”

Hacker Tarot Cards

  • The Fool
    a manager using a SPARCStation 413,1432 to run a screensaver.
  • The Magician
    a hacker with a Mac, a Pentium box, a Sparc, and a Cray on the table in front of him — all running the same program with the same GUI. An infinity sign is over his head.
  • The High Priestess
    a woman holding the Documentation, closed and concealed. The crescent moon is showing on an Indigo behind her.
  • The Emperor
    Steve Jobs sitting on a NeXT cube, holding an optical disk vertically in his hand.
  • The Empress
    A secretary with a NeXT Machine.
  • The Hierophant
    Bill Gates with two flunkies kneeling before him, their faces averted, offering him floppy disks. He wears a laptop computer on his head.
  • The Lovers
    a PowerMAC and an IBM Power PC exchanging software as an angel bathed in glory regards them.
  • The Chariot
    A man in a chariot, hurtling up an exponential curve, drawn by the twin sphinxes of Technology (black) and Culture (white).
  • Strength
    A woman holding the entire design and implementation of Microsoft Excel in her mind as she corrects the final error. An infinity sign is over her head.
  • The Hermit
    An old hacker, white-bearded, burns the midnight oil; its Star-of-David flame illuminates his keyboard.
  • The Wheel of Fortune
    A rotating wheel. Cray is on the side going down, despite its good technology; Smalltalk is opposite it, and C++ is sitting on top. Four winged beings — a mouse, a turtle, a dog-cow, and a human — look on.
  • Justice
    A cold-faced woman holds a calculator in one hand and a delete- key in the other.
  • The Hanged Man
    A programmer is tied by his ankle to a cable duct. His phase is completely shifted: he awakens at sunset, he sleeps at dawn. His monitor is reverse-video. He programs on, flawlessly, oblivious to his circumstances.
  • Death
    A skeleton weilding a scythe surveys a field, on which are scattered PDP-11s, Apple ][‘s, IBM 360/91’s, Xerox Alto’s, and many other machines.
  • Temperance
    An angel stands with one foot on her chair and one on the floor, as she copies files from one disk to another. A cursor blinks from her chest.
  • The Devil
    The goat-headed Lord of the Pit stands on a pile of Windows manuals, holding an inverted torch in one hand. Two humans, male and female, are in chains at his feet.
  • The Tower
    An ivory tower is struck by a bolt of lightning. Two robed figures, denied tenure, are hurled to the ground.
  • The Star
    A Mac is running its `warp’ screen saver, in a transient fragile moment of peace.
  • The Moon
    A wolf and a jackal are typing at two PC’s. A crayfish crawls out of a pool, offering suggestions that may ultimately prove deadly. The moon shines through a window.
  • The Sun
    A naked child riding a winged rocking horse programs clever applications on a high-quality workstation.
  • Judgement
    An angel blows a trumpet; all over the net, web pages arise, to be rated Cool or not.
  • The World
    A woman dances on the clouds, unclothed, unencumbered, in a ring of clouds, a 3-d mouse in each hand. The four winged beings from the Wheel of Fortune surround her.
  • Ten Signs Your Co-Worker is a Computer Hacker

    1. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was for $20,000.
    2. He’s won the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running.
    3. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
    4. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
    5. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.
    6. Mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeez” 95 times during the movie “The Net”.
    7. Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
    8. His video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among turn-ons.
    9. For his welcome voice on AOL, you hear, “Good Morning, Mr. President”.
    10. You hear him murmur, “Let’s see you use that Visa now, Professor-Don’t-Give-A’s-In-Computer-Science!”