Mild Chili

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Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: “Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

  • Chili #1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
    JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
    JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

  • Chili #2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili
    JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
    JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

  • Chili #3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
    JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
    JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
    FRANK: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-Faced.

  • Chili #4: Bubba’s Black Magic
    JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I’m eating.

  • Chili #5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover
    JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Fuck those rednecks!

  • Chili #6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
    JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
    JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
    FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

  • Chili #7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili
    JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
    FRANK: You could put a fucking grenade in my mouth, pull the fucking pin, and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my fucking mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my goddamn shirt. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Fuck it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the fucking 4-inch hole in my stomach.

  • Chili #8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili
    JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank.

How to Make $$$$ Fast

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Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here’s an incredibly simple way to do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose!

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Try it now!

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Follow this simple procedure:

  1. Hold down the shift key.
  2. Hit the 4 key four times fast.

The Magic Wishing Well

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A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.

The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said…

“Cool!…It really works!”

Special News Release from Ford Motor Company

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Special News Release
from Ford Motor Company

DETROIT
As of Friday, June 24, 1994 the Ford Bronco has officially been selected as the vehicle of choice in the United States. The Conclusive California road test, as seen on national TV, proved without a doubt that the 1994 Bronco can successfully hold off 15 or more police cars, 3 helicopters, and the entire population of the United States for more than an hour and a half, while never exceeding 43 miles per hour. The vehicle even works as well parked in the driveway of your residence. If you are a felon, then we have a special deal for you on a brand new Ford Bronco. Just go to your local Ford dealer and ask for the new O.J. Package. This specially equipped Bronco comes with a .30 caliber pistol, twenty five rounds of ammunition, blood resistant upholstery, cellular phone with speed-dialing for 911 calls, $10,000.00 cash, a passport, a former famous football player blow-up doll, and a high-powered well-qualified lawyer who will greet you when you arrive home. Picture yourself leaning comfortably back in your seat, listening to the gentle swirl of helicopter blades and police cars purring. And if you act now, we will throw in the O.J. Magical Disappearing Ginzu Knife at no extra charge. Be the first in your cell to own the new 1994 O.J. EDITION BRONCO. See your Ford Dealer now.

Five Famous Commercials

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These five commercials were aired during the Monica Lewinsky/Barbara Walters Interview” (and yes, these really did air during the interview)

  • Victoria’s Secret lingerie.
  • Burger King – featuring the song “It’s My Party, and I’ll Cry if I Want To.”
  • Oral-B Deluxe.
  • A promo for the TV movie “Cleopatra,” with the following voice-over: “When she was only 20, she seduced the most powerful leader in the world.”
  • Maytag’s Neptune washing machine – “It actually has the power to remove stains!”

Ways Security at the Los Alamos Lab Can Be Tightened

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The Los Alamos National Lab in New Mexico, a supposedly high-security nuclear weapons facility, has had a series of infamous screw-ups in which top secret info has been misplaced or stolen.

  • Ask Pirate Bay to kindly remove all Los Alamos nuclear secrets from the download HotList.
  • All researchers are given amnesia-producing mallet blow each night, memory-restoring mallet blow the next morning.
  • All documents will now be encrypted in the new, unbreakable “Ig-pay Atin-lay” format.
  • Hard drives now equipped with Lojack tracking systems.
  • “Accidental” radiation leak turns regular security guards into meaner, tougher mutant security guards.
  • Barkless Basenji guard dog replaced with out of work Taco Bell Chihuahua.
  • Cease giving out day passes over the radio to the “15th foreign national who calls right now!”
  • Janitors Boris and Mao swear that “Jake the Security Guard is a commie bastard. Start there, comrade!”
  • Immediately suspend “you break it, you bought it” policy on hard drives.
  • Chinese take-out no longer a lunch option.
  • All communication in secured areas must now be done in Klingon. Added benefit: the scientists are thrilled!
  • A) “Accidentally” leave plans for latest weapon by the office water cooler.
    B) First country to utilize a $5 billion Fart Bomb clearly the guilty party.
  • Cafeteria Happy Meals no longer include a free ZIP disk.
  • Visitors answering the guard’s challenge with “Foe” now required to sign guest book before entry.
  • Security guards limited to one “WHAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUUUUUP!” walkie-talkie conversation per hour.
  • Finally allow Chief of Security Barney Fife to load his gun.
  • “Shave and a Haircut” knock replaced with more secure “My Sharona” knock.
  • From now on, all security guards must pass the new “Your Ass From a Hole in the Ground” test.

Little-Known Handicaps

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  • Yield Deficit Disorder (YDD)
    This affliction, which disproportionately affects women and the elderly, is serious and can be life threatening. Those with YDD experience perceptive problems which prevent them from entering a traffic stream already in motion. Typically, the sufferer moves in the yield lane at one to two miles per hour hoping for a two *hour* or two *mile* lull in traffic. When this does not occur, the YDD patient simply closes his or her eyes and begins moving into traffic with only the protective hand of God to clear the way.

  • Cerebral Phlebitis
    The primary symptom of this male-only disease is an enormous swelling of the head. If left unchecked, it can affect brain functions, causing the sufferer to inaccurately recall past performance in job-related activities, social situations, and even the size of certain reproductive body parts. The only known cure for cerebral phlebitis is a risky procedure known as a “Marriage of Equals.” This is an extremely dangerous, open-heart operation which often fails.

  • Bingivitis
    This inexplicable disease affects only individuals who are directly in front of me at the Kentucky Fried Chicken buffet, or similar food bars. It causes them to take the last piece of Original Recipe chicken, the last scoop of stuffing; basically, to load down their plate like Fred does at the beginning of the Flintstones when the Bronto Ribs tip over his car. The bingivits sufferer goes on to find a seat, leaving me with some soggy, vinegar-soaked greens and jiggling Tahiti Salad to choose from.

  • Cheeriosclerosis
    Also known as “hardening of the cereal,” this frightening male condition results from leaving the cereal or other late night snack out on the coffee table overnight. In the morning, the crusty remains are harder than diamonds, impenetrable by soaking or even repeated and vigorous fork-jamming. Frequently, the only solution is a dangerous “bowl transplant” which involves trying to replace the bowl with an identical one without your wife knowing it. Sadly, in most cases the new bowl is rejected.

  • Post-Traumatic Dress Syndrome
    This debilitating disease strikes women, primarily in the child-bearing ages. After a choosing an outfit to wear for work or play, the afflicted woman simply *locks up* in fear and delusional paranoia, muttering about the unsuitability of the chosen ensemble. During a flare-up, if the patient’s spouse asks “what’s the problem?” or speaks at all, this triggers a massive escalation of the condition which can be life-threatening to the spouse, and will cause the patient to shout “I HATE MY CLOTHES!” and lock herself in the room. There is no cure, other than more and more dresses or an evening’s worth of uninterrupted compliments and reassurance.

Little Billy Evans

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THIS IS JUST TERRIBLE

A touching true story: Please help little Billy Evans.

My name is Billy Evans. I am a very sick little boy.

My mother is typing this for me, because I can’t. She is crying. The reason she is so sad is because I’m so sick. I was born without a body.

It doesn’t hurt, except when I try to breathe. The doctors gave me an artificial body. It is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us having no money or insurance. I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money.

Mommy doesn’t work because she said nobody hires crying people. I said, “Don’t cry, Mommy,” and she hugged my burlap bag. Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she’s allergic to burlap and it makes her sneeze and chafes her real bad.

I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this email to everyone you know. Forward it to people you don’t know, too. Dr. Johansen said that for every person you forward this email to, Bill Gates will team up with AOL and send a nickel to NASA. With that funding, NASA will collect prayers from school children all over America and have the astronauts take them up into space so that the angels can hear them better. Then they will come back to earth and go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send all the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me get better then.

Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Right now I can only be third base.

Every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take more prayers to the angels and my dream will be closer to coming true.

Please help me. Mommy is so sad, and I want a body. I don’t want my leaves to rot before I turn ten. If you don’t forward this email, that’s okay. Mommy says you’re a mean and heartless nasty person who doesn’t care about a poor little boy with only a head. She says that if you don’t stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow horrible death and then burn forever in hell.

What kind of cruel person are you that you can’t take five minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame about ignoring a poor, bodyless nine-year-old boy?

Please help me. I try to be happy, but it’s hard.

I wish I had a kitty.

I wish I could hold a kitty.

I wish I could hold a kitty that wouldn’t chew on me and try to bury its poo in the leaves of my burlap body. I wish that very much.

Thank You,

Billy “Smiley” Evans

About That Cigarette Lighter…

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Sharon who was a heavy smoker invested in a cigarette lighter to economise in matches. After a short time it began to give her trouble.

So she spoke to Martin who had one, having just seen him light a cigarette with it and put it in his pocket.

Sharon: “Now be a dear, and tell me about that thing you have there in your trousers.”

Martin: (Misunderstanding her and feeling a bit embarrassed) “I’m not used to discussing such things with ladies.”

Sharon: “Now there is no need to be shy. Tell me, how does yours work? Do you jerk it up and down?”

Martin: “Oh, sometimes…”

Sharon: “Then it’s different from mine, just opens and shuts. Do you rub yours up and down until something comes?”

Martin: “Oh yes, especially in cold weather.”

Sharon: “Have you ever tried pulling your wick and dipping it?”

Martin: “No, most certainly not!”

Sharon: “Oh. You should, it does it good. You never soaked it before then?”

Martin: “Of course I haven’t.”

Sharon: “You should try it then sometimes, it takes the stiffness out of it.”

Martin: “Er, well… I’m afraid that you are a naughty girl.”

Sharon: (Thinking he referred to smoking) “Oh, every girl does it now a days anyway. What about your wick, is it a long one?”

Martin: “Yes, it is rather on the long side.”

Sharon: “I think I will have to try a bigger one because the one I use does not seem to go far enough to do any good. Does yours go red on the end when it’s dry?”

Martin: “Yes.”

Sharon: “So does mine. In the past mine has been giving me much trouble. Would you like to have a look at it?”

Martin: “No no, not now. We had better wait until it’s dark.”

Sharon: “Don’t be ridiculous, you can see much better in the daylight. It has been leaking these past few days so I have put a rag around it. I’ll unwind it now (opening her handbag and producing her lighter). Look, here it is (dashing her lighter). It has run out again, damn… now I’ll have to go back to matches.”

Martin collapses.

The 3 Biggest Lies

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  • 3 Biggest Software Lies
    • The program’s fully tested and bugfree.
    • We’re working on the documentation.
    • Of course we can modify it.
  • 3 Biggest Computer Room Lies
    • As long as you remember to ‘SAVE’ your input, you’ll never lose any files.
    • We run the stuff through as fast as it comes in the door.
    • The new machines on order.
  • 3 Biggest Large Company Lies
    • We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
    • People are our greatest resource.
    • We say ‘let the marketplace decide’.
  • 3 Biggest Small Company Lies
    • We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
    • The boss is just one of the guys.
    • Staying small is a conscious decision.
  • 3 Biggest Marketing Lies
    • Immediate delivery?…No problem.
    • We treat every customer as if they were our most important.
    • We’re going out to lunch to talk business.
  • 3 Biggest Engineering Professor’s Lies
    • Some day this course will come in handy.
    • These tests are more trouble for me than they are for you.
    • This is the way they do it in industry.
  • 3 Biggest Executive Lies
    • Money…it’s just a score card.
    • If it were up to me, there’d be no assigned parking spaces.
    • You have to twist my arm to get me to go on a business trip.
  • 3 Biggest undergraduate student starting Physics Lies
    • There are plenty of jobs out there for Physics graduates.
    • You’ll make lots of money in your proffessional career.
    • The general public respect Physicists.
  • 3 Biggest student teacher lies
    • The school will help and support you all they can.
    • This teaching course is interesting and stimulating.
    • Kids today are just the same as when you went to school.
  • 3 Biggest advertising lies
    • This product will taste as good as it looks.
    • You really need our product.
    • If you use our product you will have sex with the same kinds of people as you see in our ad.
  • 3 Biggest mail order lies
    • Delivery of your product will occur within 30 days of ordering it.
    • If you’re not satisfied with our product we will guarentee a full refund.
    • We offer repair of your product free of charge with an accredited repairer in your home State.
  • 3 Biggest retail industry lies
    • Our staff are courteous and considerate.
    • We try to help you with your problem.
    • You can exchange or get full refund on an item that you’re not satisfied with.
  • 3 Biggest politician lies
    • I’ll be factual and to the point.
    • I’ll give you a straightforward answer to your question.
    • The government doesn’t waste taxpayers money.
  • 3 Biggest parent lies
    • We’re doing this for your own interest.
    • You can have that (do that) later (when you’re older).
    • The family can’t afford it now.
  • 3 Biggest supermodels lies
    • Women normally look like that.
    • Women should look like that.
    • Fasting and dieting is good for your health.
  • 3 Biggest beer ads lies
    • Drinking beer is for macho men only.
    • You’ll meet good lifelong friends drinking beer in a bar.
    • Women think drunken loudmouths are sexy.
  • 3 Biggest life lies
    • ..and they lived happily ever after.
    • Dying is painless.
    • Things have gotten so bad that they couldn’t possibly get worse.