Modern Television Barbies

Mattel may not want to turn Barbie into a middle aged doll as some women suggested. Still others say it is high time for Ms. Roberts to get in touch with the modern times. Here are some suggestions for a 90’s type of Barbie.

  • Bisexual Barbie
    Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.
  • Bitten Bullet Barbie
    An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood, and the ability to perform surgery on herself in the Outback.
  • Blue Collar Barbie
    Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier’s aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies holding down two jobs in order to make ends meet.
  • Our Barbies Ourselves
    Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside and out; comes with spreadable legs, her own speculum, magnifying glass, and detailed diagrams of female anatomy so that little girls can learn about their bodies in a friendly, non threatening way. Also includes tiny Kotex, booklets on sexual responsibility. Accessories such as contraceptives, sex toys, expanding uterus with fetuses at various stages of development and breast pump are all optional, underscoring that each young woman has the right to do what she chooses with her own Barbie.
  • Robotic Barbie
    Hey kids! Experiment with an autonomous two legged walking machine! After falling over, she says “Control theory is hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!”
  • Melrose Place Barbie
    Comes with her own Barbie Dream Apartment, where Skipper and the rest of the gang live together. Other accessories include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets, and an arrest warrant.
  • Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman
    This helpful doll offers other homesteaders important tips like what conditioner to use on the Plains, and how to take care of one’s nails while shoeing a horse.
  • America’s Most Wanted Barbie
    She’s on the run after 30 years of crimes against feminism!
  • Oprah Barbie
    Push a button on her back and she actually speaks! Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough math class really is, Ballerina Barbie’s struggle with bulimia, Kens who wear Barbie’s clothes.
  • My So-called Barbie
    She faces the same troubling issues as teens who don’t have huge wardrobes, perfect bods, pools, ponies and boyfriends.
  • Roseanne Barbie
    The dark side of the American Dream is explored with this doll, which shows what happens after Barbie graduated from high school, married too young and ate too much.
  • Murder, Barbie Wrote
    Whenever this elder states woman of the Barbie set (she’s 27!) arrives in the playhouse, all the other dolls mysteriously disappear.