Modern Television Barbies

Mattel may not want to turn Barbie into a middle aged doll as some women suggested. Still others say it is high time for Ms. Roberts to get in touch with the modern times. Here are some suggestions for a 90’s type of Barbie.

  • Bisexual Barbie
    Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.
  • Bitten Bullet Barbie
    An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood, and the ability to perform surgery on herself in the Outback.
  • Blue Collar Barbie
    Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier’s aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies holding down two jobs in order to make ends meet.
  • Our Barbies Ourselves
    Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside and out; comes with spreadable legs, her own speculum, magnifying glass, and detailed diagrams of female anatomy so that little girls can learn about their bodies in a friendly, non threatening way. Also includes tiny Kotex, booklets on sexual responsibility. Accessories such as contraceptives, sex toys, expanding uterus with fetuses at various stages of development and breast pump are all optional, underscoring that each young woman has the right to do what she chooses with her own Barbie.
  • Robotic Barbie
    Hey kids! Experiment with an autonomous two legged walking machine! After falling over, she says “Control theory is hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!”
  • Melrose Place Barbie
    Comes with her own Barbie Dream Apartment, where Skipper and the rest of the gang live together. Other accessories include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets, and an arrest warrant.
  • Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman
    This helpful doll offers other homesteaders important tips like what conditioner to use on the Plains, and how to take care of one’s nails while shoeing a horse.
  • America’s Most Wanted Barbie
    She’s on the run after 30 years of crimes against feminism!
  • Oprah Barbie
    Push a button on her back and she actually speaks! Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough math class really is, Ballerina Barbie’s struggle with bulimia, Kens who wear Barbie’s clothes.
  • My So-called Barbie
    She faces the same troubling issues as teens who don’t have huge wardrobes, perfect bods, pools, ponies and boyfriends.
  • Roseanne Barbie
    The dark side of the American Dream is explored with this doll, which shows what happens after Barbie graduated from high school, married too young and ate too much.
  • Murder, Barbie Wrote
    Whenever this elder states woman of the Barbie set (she’s 27!) arrives in the playhouse, all the other dolls mysteriously disappear.

New Barbies on the Market

  • Transgender Barbie
    Formerly known as G.I. Joe.
  • Mobile Home Park Barbie
    Comes complete with hair in rollers and pregnant. Accessories include two toddlers. When you pull the string on her back she asks where her government support check is. Double wide trailer with polyester curtains and a redwood deck sold separately.
  • Homegirl Barbie
    Truly a fly Barbie in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and says things like, “I don’t think so,” “Dang, get outta my face,” and, “You go, girl.” Teaches girls not to take crap from men.
  • Sister Mary Barbie
    This spiritual Barbie comes with jointed knees and neck for genuflecting and praying, mini rosary beads, a mini bible and a black sequined nun’s habit (after all, she’s still Barbie). Pull the string on her back and she says nothing because she has taken a vow of silence.
  • Rabbi Barbie
    So, why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in Judaism. Rabbi Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl, teffilin, silver kiddush cup, Torah scrolls. Optional: tiny mezuzah for doorway of Barbie Townhouse.
  • Ripped-Off-In-The-Divorce-Settlement Barbie
    Pull the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of insults and death threats for her ex’s new wife. Comes with a hatred for all men, and a Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white band on the ring finger of her left hand).
  • Dinner Roll Barbie
    A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a real curvy belly, and voluminous thighs to show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of dinner rolls, bucket o’fried chicken, tiny Entenmann’s walnut ring, a brick of Breyer’s ice cream, three bags of potato chips, a T-shirt reading, “Only the Weak Don’t Eat,” and, of course, an appetite.
  • Temp Barbie
    This smartly dressed, intelligent, hardworking and enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually goes untouched for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull the string on her back and she’ll stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a liberal arts degree. Comes with mini resume and mini filing cabinet filled with the past five years worth of US Tax Code revisions which need to be collated.
  • Administrator Barbie
    Works twenty hour days for little pay (80% of Administrator Ken’s salary), and is the lowest on the totem pole despite being the one that actually runs the group. Comes with mini laptop. Pull the string on her back and she’ll schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a reorganization and a move, and order airline tickets for Administrator Ken.
  • Birkenstock Barbie
    Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable, if ugly, sandals. Made from recycled materials.