New Barbies on the Market

  • Transgender Barbie
    Formerly known as G.I. Joe.
  • Mobile Home Park Barbie
    Comes complete with hair in rollers and pregnant. Accessories include two toddlers. When you pull the string on her back she asks where her government support check is. Double wide trailer with polyester curtains and a redwood deck sold separately.
  • Homegirl Barbie
    Truly a fly Barbie in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and says things like, “I don’t think so,” “Dang, get outta my face,” and, “You go, girl.” Teaches girls not to take crap from men.
  • Sister Mary Barbie
    This spiritual Barbie comes with jointed knees and neck for genuflecting and praying, mini rosary beads, a mini bible and a black sequined nun’s habit (after all, she’s still Barbie). Pull the string on her back and she says nothing because she has taken a vow of silence.
  • Rabbi Barbie
    So, why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in Judaism. Rabbi Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl, teffilin, silver kiddush cup, Torah scrolls. Optional: tiny mezuzah for doorway of Barbie Townhouse.
  • Ripped-Off-In-The-Divorce-Settlement Barbie
    Pull the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of insults and death threats for her ex’s new wife. Comes with a hatred for all men, and a Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white band on the ring finger of her left hand).
  • Dinner Roll Barbie
    A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a real curvy belly, and voluminous thighs to show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of dinner rolls, bucket o’fried chicken, tiny Entenmann’s walnut ring, a brick of Breyer’s ice cream, three bags of potato chips, a T-shirt reading, “Only the Weak Don’t Eat,” and, of course, an appetite.
  • Temp Barbie
    This smartly dressed, intelligent, hardworking and enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually goes untouched for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull the string on her back and she’ll stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a liberal arts degree. Comes with mini resume and mini filing cabinet filled with the past five years worth of US Tax Code revisions which need to be collated.
  • Administrator Barbie
    Works twenty hour days for little pay (80% of Administrator Ken’s salary), and is the lowest on the totem pole despite being the one that actually runs the group. Comes with mini laptop. Pull the string on her back and she’ll schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a reorganization and a move, and order airline tickets for Administrator Ken.
  • Birkenstock Barbie
    Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable, if ugly, sandals. Made from recycled materials.