Barbie at 40

One of the worlds most famous blondes turned 40 in 1999. She doesn’t look a day over 18, well maybe 27. No cellulite on her thighs, no wrinkles, no sagging breasts. Her figure is the same as it was twenty years ago. Many girls from around the world are familiar with this famous blonde. Some would say she is more famous than Madonna.

Yes, Barbie Millicent Roberts turns forty in 1999. Is it time to give up the mini skirt for something more conservative? You be the judge, but the folks over at Mattel don’t seem to think so. On the other hand, some women have suggested a few changes to the world’s most popular doll. Something more fitting for the now middle aged blonde. Here’s a list of possible new Barbies…

  • Bifocals Barbie:
    Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
  • Hot Flash Barbie:
    Press Barbie’s bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
  • Facial Hair Barbie:
    As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
  • Cook’s Arms Barbie:
    Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muu-muus are back! Cellulite cream and loofah sponge optional.
  • Bunion Barbie:
    Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie’s dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with this pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. Colors:pink, rose, blush.
  • No More Wrinkles Barbie:
    Erase those pesky crow’s-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie’s own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
  • Soccer Mom Barbie:
    All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school egaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr.. With minivan in robin’s egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
  • Midlife Crisis Barbie:
    It’s time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Bruce (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They’re hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do.”
  • Single Mother Barbie:
    There’s not much time for primping anymore! Ken’s shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie’s across town with Babs and Ken Jr. in a fourth-floor walk-up. Barbie’s selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included.
  • Recovery Barbie:
    Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does 12 steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she’s going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book, a six-pack of Diet Coke, and a pack of Marlboro Lights.