Home of the Blame

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Let’s see if I understand the state of personal responsibility in modern-day America.

  • If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.
  • If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock ‘n’ roll musician he liked.
  • If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer your family blames the tobacco company.
  • If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.
  • If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.
  • If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.
  • If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
  • And, if your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

God bless America, land of the free, home of the blame.

An E-Mail From Down South

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A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been ‘called home to glory’ following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

From: Your Departed Husband

Subject: I’ve Arrived!

I’ve just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

(P.S. Sure is hot down here!)

Simple People

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  • … And What Was Plan B??
    An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts…

  • … The Getaway
    A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

  • … Have I Got a Deal for You!
    More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their “next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available.” Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars…

  • … Did I Say That?!
    Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot”, the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!”

  • … Are We Not Communicating?
    A man spoke frantically into the phone: “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. “No, you idiot!” the man shouted. “This is her husband!”

  • … Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!
    In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

  • … Counter Thought
    I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

  • … Idiots and Geography
    After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, “Really? Where is Monosyllabia?” Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, “Oh, you mean over by Croatia?”

  • … Advice for Idiots
    An actual tip from page 16 of the Hewlett Packard Environmental, Health and Safety Handbook for Employees: “Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.”

  • … Idiots in the Neighborhood
    I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

Self-Evident Truths About Pets

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  • Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it forever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
  • Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
  • Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
  • Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
  • Dogs shed, cats shred.
  • I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?
  • No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.
  • Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
  • I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
  • Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
  • People that hate cats will come back as dogs in their next life.
  • We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: Why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?
  • Women and cats will do as they please … men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
  • When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
  • In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.

Guide to Safe Fax

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  • Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
    A. Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.

  • Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were only allowed to write memos to each other until they were twenty-one. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?
    A. Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct procedures.

  • Q. If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?
    A. Certainly not, as far as we can see.

  • Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay for fax. Is this legal?
    A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a “professional” when their need to fax becomes too great.

  • Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing?
    A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should be used to ensure safe fax.

  • Q. What happens when I do the procedure incorrectly and I fax prematurely?
    A. Don’t panic. Many people prematurely fax when they haven’t faxed in a long time. Just start over. Most people won’t mind if you try again.

  • Q. I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?
    A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with each one, you won’t transmit anything you’re not supposed to.

Cleveland Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Disses Many Stellar Acts

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The Rock and Roll Hall Of Fame ignored pleas of impassioned fans to elect the bands K.C. & The Sunshine Band and Rose Royce, and artists Evelyn Champagne King to its honor roll. Similarly dishonored were The Brothers Johnson and The New Riders Of The Purple Sage. Mickey Dolenz of Monkees fame was similarly shut out of the awards ceremony last night.

“This is a travesty of monumental proportions,” Gertrude Rickert, spokesmen for the “Coalition To Elect Really GOOD Artists To The Hall Of Fame Instead Of SUCKY Ones” said in a prepared release. “My nominees were way cooler than these bozos they just elected.

“For instance, Michael Jackson, for crying out loud. He does nasty things to little boys with his monkey! And, isn’t Aerosmith a Russian band that had to change their name from Aeroflot? That Ritchie Valens — when’s the last time he put out a new song! And Paul Simon, how’d he even get in there? I’d much rather have seen Simon N. Garfunkel get into there. I always liked his songs. Always sounded like two guys were singing at once.”

Rickert was also disappointed in the Awards Ceremony itself. “How could they get Bono as a presenter? He got smacked by the tree when he went skiing a few years ago. Is Cher standing his bony ass up on stage and moving his arms like a puppet?”

Rindercilla: A Tairy Fale

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Once uton a pime in a corn funtry there lived a geautiful birl and her name was Rindercella. Now Rindercella lived with her two sad blisters and her mugly other. Also in this corn funtry there liv inviting all the geautiful birls from riles amound. But Rindercella gouldn’t co. She had to make dancy fesses for her two sad blisters and her mugly other.

While they all went off to the bancy fall, Rindercella just cat down and shried. She was just citting there a shrying when there appeared before her – her jerry mud father! “Rindercella,” she asked, “Shry do you why?” Rindercella mold her jerry mud father
of her werrible tork.

Just then her jerry mud father made Rindercella a geautiful bown and took two mield fice and a tumpkin and purned them into two stighty malions and cig boach! Off to the bancy fall went Rindercella, with the warning that she must go home before the mid clock struck night.

As Rindercella entered the bancy fall the pransome hince saw her through a widden hindow and thought she gas worgeous! They danced and danced and soon they lell in fove. Suddenly, the mid clock struck night and fearing her cig boach would purn into a tumpkin,
Rindercella staced down the rairs. But as she beached the rottom, she slopped her dripper.

Well the nery vext day the pransome hince searched the corn funtry for the geautiful birl who had slopped her dripper. He tried it on Rindercella’s mugly other, but if fidn’t dit. He tried it on her sad blisters… Then, the dripper fit only Rindercella at last.

Now the storal of the mory: If you ever go to a bancy fall to meet a pransome hince with the hopes of lalling in fove, don’t forget to slop your dripper!

Replying To An Invitation To A Scientists’ Ball

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  • Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
  • Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.
  • Volta was electrified, and Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.
  • Ampere was worried he wasn’t up to current research.
  • Ohm resisted the idea at first.
  • Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
  • Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience.
  • Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.
  • Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.
  • Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.
  • Dr Jekyll declined — he hadn’t been feeling himself lately.
  • Morse’s reply: “I’ll be there on the dot. Can’t stop now must dash.”
  • Heisenberg was uncertain if he could make it.
  • Hertz said he planned the future to attend with greater frequency.
  • Henry begged off due to a low capacity for alcohol.
  • Audubon said he’d have to wing it.
  • Hawking said he’d try to string enough time together to make a space in his schedule.
  • Darwin said he’d have to see what evolved.
  • Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?
  • Mendel said he’d put some things together and see what came out.
  • Descartes said he’d think about it.
  • Newton was moved to attend.
  • Pavlov was drooling at the thought.
  • Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.

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Read Each Line Aloud

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This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is about cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top.