It can buy a House
But not a Home
It can buy a Bed
But not Sleep
It can buy a Clock
But not Time
It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge
It can buy you a Position
But not Respect
It can buy you Medicine
But not Health
It can buy you Blood
But not Life
It can buy you Sex
But not Love
So you see money isn’t everything.
And it often causes pain and suffering.
I tell you all this because I am your Friend,
and as your Friend I want to take away
your pain and suffering…
So send me all your money
And I will suffer for you.
Cash is fine.
I’m Not Old… Just Mature
Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
From my purchase this chap took off ten percent.
I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, “Because of the Seniors Discount.”
I went to McDonald’s for a burger and fries;
And there, once again, got quite a surprise.
The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.
He said, “For you, Seniors, the coffee is free.”
Understand—I’m not old—I’m merely mature;
But some things are changing, temporarily, I’m sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
And people speak softer—can’t hear what they say.
My teeth are my own (I have the receipt.),
and my glasses identify people I meet.
Oh, I’ve slowed down a bit… not a lot, I am sure.
You see, I’m not old… I’m only mature.
The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.
Washing my hair has turned it all white,
But don’t call it gray… saying “blond” is just right.
My car is all paid for… not a nickel is owed.
Yet a kid yells, “Old duffer… get off of the road!”
My car has no scratches… not even a dent.
Still I get all that guff from a punk who’s “Hell bent.”
My friends all get older… much faster than me.
They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.
I’ve got “character lines,” not wrinkles… for sure,
But don’t call me old… just call me mature.
The steps in the houses they’re building today
Are so high that they take… your breath all away;
And the streets are much steeper than ten years ago.
That should explain why my walking is slow.
But I’m keeping up on what’s hip and what’s new,
And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.
I’m still in the running… in this I’m secure,
I’m not really old… I’m only mature.
Twisted Mary Had a Little Lamb
Mary had a little sheep,
It went to bed with her to sleep.
The sheep turned out to be a ram,
And Mary had a little lamb!
Mary had a little lamb,
Her father shot it dead.
Now Mary takes the lamb to school
Between two hunks of bread.
Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was white as snow.
And everywhere that Mary went,
The lamb was sure to go.
Now Mary found the price of meat too high
Which really didn’t please her.
Tonight she is having the leg of lamb,
The rest is in the freezer.
Mary had a little lamb,
She tied it to a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it’s ass
And turned it’s wool to nylon.
Mary had a little watch,
She kept it in her garter.
And when the boys asked her the time,
She knew what they were after.
Mary had a little lamb,
She kept in her yard.
Every time she took her panties off
His little wooly dick got hard.
Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was black as charcoal
Every time it jumped the fence
You could see its little arsehole
Mary had a little lamb,
The doctors were astounded.
Everywhere that Mary went
Gynecologists surrounded.
Mary had a little lamb,
The doctor was surprised.
When Old McDonald had a farm,
The poor guy nearly died.
Mary had a little lamb
A little roast, a little jam
An ice-cream soda topped with fizz
Boy, how sick our Mary is.
Mary had a li’l lamb
Its wool was soft and pink
A big bad wolf came by one day
Now Mary has a mink!
Walkin’ Round In Women’s Underwear
(Tune: Winter Wonderland)
NBC has rehired Marv Albert. Other employees reportedly don’t really want him in the company again. He’s a back biter. On the other hand, NBC reports that their sports programming needed a little more bite to it.
Lacy things — the wife is missin,
Didn’t ask — her permission,
I’m wearin’ her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin’ round in women’s underwear.
In the store — there’s a teddy,
Little straps — like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight,
Like handcuffs at night,
Walkin’ round in women’s underwear.
In the office there’s a guy named Marvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
He’ll say, “Are you ready?” I’ll say, “Whoa, Man!”
“Let’s wait until our wives are out of town!”
Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress — like Madonna,
Put on some eyeshade,
And join the parade,
Walkin’ round in women’s underwear!
Leroy The Gold-Toothed Reindeer
Leroy the gold-toothed reindeer
Had a very nappy fro
And if you ever saw him
He was at the liquor sto
All of Leroy’s homeboys
Use to playa hate his game
But they can’t mess with Leroy
‘Cause he got a big ole thang
Then one smoggy Christmas day
Santa came to say
“Leroy have you seen my sleigh?
I know you had it the other day.”
So Leroy broke out runnin’
And Santa pulled out his nine
And Santa shot poor Leroy
Dead in his black behind…
The Ballad of the Bobbit Hillbillies
Come and listen to my story of a man named John
A poor ex-marine with a little fraction gone.
It seems one night right after gettin’ with his wife,
She lopped off his schlong with the swipe of a knife.
(Penis that is)
(Clean cut, missed his nuts)
Well the next thing you know there’s a Ginsu by his side,
And Lorena’s in the car takin’ Willie for a ride.
She soon got tired of her purple headed friend,
And tossed him out the window as she came around the bend.
(Curve that is)
(Pricker shrubs, wheel hubs)
She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back. They
sniffed and they barked and they pointed “over there”, To John
Wayne’s Henry that was waving in the air.
(Found that is)
(By the fence, evidence)
Now Peter and John couldn’t stay apart too long,
So a dick dock said, “Hey, I can fix your dong!”
“A needle and a thread is all you’re gonna need.”
And the whole world waited ’till they heard that Johnny peed.
(Whizzed that is)
(Even seam, straight stream)
Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court, With
a cockeyed lawyer since his assets came up short.
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape,
And his pecker was the only thing they didn’t show on tape.
(Video, that is)
(Unexposed, case closed)
I Was Petrified
(To the tune of Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive”)
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
By the ugly wanker that was lying by my side.
I would’ve drunk a little less, I would’ve tried to keep my head,
If I’d known for just one second I’d be in your crusty bed…
I tried to go, walk out the door.
But I laughed so hard at your small knob that I’ve fallen on the floor.
Your butts a pimply mess, it’s just a broken-out disgrace,
But I’d rather look at that, than at your fucken ugly face..!
I want to go, I’ve got to leave.
Your talk of chicks and football really makes me want to heave.
I only know I’ve got to stop my drinking spirits and the beer
Coz when I looked at you last night, you looked just like that Richard Gere!
I can’t believe, that we both shagged.
You should be wearing concrete shoes or simply bound and gagged.
I’m fucking off right now, I’m jumping on the flippin’ train and I’m not
stopping till I’m home and washed your greeblies down the drain.
Please let me go, I feel quite sick,
We had the worst sex in the world and you’re an ugly prick
I should have shagged your gorgeous mate, at least he’s got a lovely flat
But no I go and trust the booze and now I’m stuck with you, you twat.
It’s time to go, run out the door.
You look so ugly it should really be against the law.
I’m going to give up all the booze, I’m going to have no stupid fun
Coz waking up beside your mug, just makes me want to be a nun!
I Love My Job!
I love my Job, I love the Pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my Boss; he’s the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.
I love my Office and its location
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
and the paper that piles up every day!
I love my chair in my padded Cell!
There’s nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my Peers –
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.
I love my Computer and all its Software;
I hug it often though it doesn’t care…
I love each Program and every File,
I try to understand once in a while!
I’m happy to be here, I am I am;
I’m the happiest Slave of my uncle Sam.
I love this Work: I love these Chores.
I love the Meetings with deadly Bores.
I love my Job – I’ll say it again –
I even love these friendly Men –
These men who’ve come to visit today
In lovely white coats to take me away!
Humble Pie
To the tune of Don McLean’s “American Pie”
A long, long week ago
I can still remember how the market used to make me smile
What I’d do when I had the chance
Is get myself a cash advance
And add another tech stock to the pile.
But Alan Greenspan made me shiver
With every speech that he delivered.
Bad news on the rate front
Still I’d take one more punt.
I can’t remember if I cried
When I heard about the CPI.
I lost my fortune and my pride
The day the NASDAQ died.
So bye-bye to my piece of the pie.
Now I’m gettin’ calls for margin
‘Cause my cash account’s dry.
It’s just two weeks from a new all-time high.
And now we’re right back where we were in July.
We’re right back where we were in July.
Did you buy stocks you never heard of?
QCOM at 150 or above?
‘Cos George Gilder told you so
Now do you believe in Home Depot?
Can Wal-Mart save your portfolio?
And can you teach me what’s a P/E ratio?
Well, I know that you were leveraged too
So you can’t just take a long-term view.
Your broker shut you down
No more margin could be found.
I never worried on the whole way up
Buying dot coms from the back of a pickup truck.
But Friday I ran out of luck
It was the day the NAAAASDAQ died.
I started singin’
Bye-bye to my piece of the pie.
Now I’m gettin’ calls for margin
‘Cause my cash account’s dry.
It’s just two weeks from a new all-time high.
And now we’re right back where we were in July.
Yeah we’re right back where we were in July.
How to be Politic’lly Correct
Don’t call that schlub a “fatty,” for it’s simply not allowed;
He’s now “physic’lly expansive” or “nutritionally endowed;”
That clod repeating seventh grade? He’s not a knucklehead;
“Scholastic’lly persistent” is the phrase to use instead;
Don’t talk of “dwarfs” or “midgets” both are terms you should revise;
Today, they’re known as “persons of a non-excessive size;”
You’ll find you’re not offending any group or race or sect
As long as what you’re saying is Politic’lly Correct.
Our nation has no “Indians” in case you haven’t heard,
“Indigenous Americans” is now the term preferred;
Don’t call that drifter “homeless” that’s the no-no of the year;
He’s a “worker in transition” or “an urban pioneer.”
Don’t call that guy in women’s clothes a weirdo or a freak;
He’s “a fashion nonconformist with a lifestyle that’s unique.”
No lack of sensivity will anyone detect
As long as ev’ry comment is Politic’lly Correct.
To psychopathic killers, nicer labels we’re now giving;
They’re “gentlemen who specialize in terminating living;”
Don’t call that creep a “rapist”, he might think you were unkind;
He’s “a sexual crusader” who’s “assertively inclined;”
As for all those scuzzy pushers hooking kids throughout the land,
They’re now “inner city merchants with a product in demand;”
So make certain that you’re careful with the words that you select;
And we guarantee you’ll always be Politic’lly Correct.