Math Homework

Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she
heard:

    “One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two.”
    “Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four.”
    “Three and three… “

His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Little Johnny remarked that his teacher had taught him.

His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework. The next day she stormed into Little Johnny’s classroom and confronted the teacher. Little Johnny’s mother told her about Little Johnny’s different way of doing math and his claims that she taught it that way to the class.

The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn’t understand why Little Johnny had said what he did. Then suddenly, she exclaimed, “Oh, I know… here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two.”

Actual School Excuses

The following is a partial list of actual written excuses given to teachers in the Albuquerque Public School System by parents of students:

  • Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
  • Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
  • Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father’s fault.
  • Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
  • John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
  • Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
  • Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
  • My son is under the doctor’s care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.
  • Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.
  • My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.
  • Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.
  • Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
  • Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.
  • Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.
  • George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
  • Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
  • Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
  • Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
  • Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(*crossed out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the shits.

Academic Phrases Completed

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.

  • “It has long been known”…
    I didn’t look up the original reference.
  • “A definite trend is evident”…
    These data are practically meaningless.
  • “While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions”…An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.
  • “Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study”…
    The other results didn’t make any sense.
  • “Typical results are shown”…
    This is the prettiest graph.
  • “These results will be in a subsequent report”…
    I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
  • “In my experience”…
    Once.
  • “In case after case”…
    Twice.
  • “In a series of cases”…
    Three times.
  • “It is believed that”…
    I think.
  • “It is generally believed that”…
    A couple of others think so, too.
  • “Correct within an order of magnitude”…
    Wrong.
  • “According to statistical analysis”…
    Rumor has it.
  • “A statistically-oriented projection of the significance of these findings”…
    A wild guess.
  • “A careful analysis of obtainable data”…
    Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of iced tea.
  • “It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs”…
    I don’t understand it.
  • “After additional study by my colleagues”…
    They don’t understand it either.
  • “Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions”…
    Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.
  • “A highly significant area for exploratory study”…
    A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
  • “It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field”…
    I quit.

News From College

We understand how busy college students can be this time of year. We hope this form letter will help you keep in touch with your parents. Simply check or fill-in appropriate blanks.

Date: ______________

Dear Parent(s),

I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics of interest to both of us.

  • Please send:
    __ Money (Cash)!       Amount: _________________________
    __ Food (Cookies)!     Dozens: ___________
    __ Clean clothes!
  • Relationships:

    __ What?
    __ I am in love with myself
    __ I am in love!
    __ I am engaged
    __ I got married last weekend

  • My Roommate:

    __ Worships the ground I walk on
    __ Gave me a black eye
    __ Committed suicide and left a note saying I was the reason
    __ Is afraid of the dark and wants to sleep with me in my bed???
    __ Has fleas

  • My Professors are:

    __ Sadistic water walkers
    __ Mental institution escapees
    __ Brain dead nerds
    __ Super oxygen thieves

  • Latest News:

    __ I wrecked the car
    __ I can’t use your credit card because I have exceeded the credit limit
    __ You are going to have a grandchild
    __ False alarm – you are NOT going to have a grandchild

  • Food:

    __ Is great!
    __ Even makes me appreciate your cooking
    __ I have had pizzas for the last eleven meals

  • Health:

    __ I have gained _____ pounds
    __ My roommate is in the hospital with meningitis
    __ My HIV test was: (check one) ____ positive ____ negative
    __ I died yesterday!

  • Grades:

    __ I am making all A’s
    __ I am not being properly challenged
    __ I will be home after this semester

  • I study:

    __ Night and day
    __ All the time
    __ 80 hours a week
    __ Only on Sunday afternoon
    __ None of the above

  • Daily Devotions:

    __ I read my Bible everyday
    __ I can’t read
    __ Someone stole my Bible while I was at one of the local bars

  • On my last visit home, I left:

    __ My glasses
    __ My paper that was due yesterday
    __ The clothes you washed for me
    __ My (girlfriend’s) birth control pills
    __ The check to cover my delinquent tuition payment
    __ Other _____________________________________________

    Please send above items by Federal Express (Priority One) or UPS (Blue)

  • Laundry:

    __ My white underwear is now _________________
    __ I am saving money by not using detergent
    __ Don’t worry, I washed my clothes last semester
    __ I hang my clothes out the window when it rains

  • My room:

    __ Can pass your “white glove” test
    __ Is only _____% full
    __ Could not be located last Saturday night
    __ Was rented by the ROTC for hazardous terrain training

  • Parties:

    __ I don’t inhale
    __ I only go to meet people
    __ Haven’t been to one since this morning

  • Hope you:

    __ Miss me
    __ Can live without me
    __ Are not overdoing the celebration of my absence

  • Salutation:

    __ Your Daughter,
    __ Your Son,
    __ Yours,

    __________________________________________________
    Signature (Scribble if Pre-Med or Pre-Law)
    Note: Witnesses are not required for your mark (“X”)

Universal Grade Change Form

School: ______________________

To: Professor____________________
From:___________________________

I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:

  1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.
  2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.
  3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won’t get into:
    ______Medical School
    ______Graduate School
    ______Dental School
    ______My Fraternity/Sorority
    ______The Mickey Mouse Club
    ______Tri County Tech
  4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in:
    _______________.
  5. I’ll lose my scholarship.
  6. I’m on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn’t find a copy of your exam.
  7. I didn’t come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.
  8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.
  9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles.
  10. You are prejudiced against:
    ____Males
    ____Jews
    ____Blacks
    ____Females
    ____Catholics
    ____Whites
    ____Protestants
    ____Moslems
    ____Minorities
    ____Chicanos
    ____People
    ____Students
  11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.
  12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness:
    ____mono
    ____broken baby finger
    ____sniffles
    ____heebie jeebies
    ____acute alcoholism
    ____pregnancy
    ____VD
    ____parenthood
  13. You told us to be creative but you didn’t tell us exactly how you wanted that done.
  14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.
  15. I don’t have a reason; I just want a higher grade.
  16. The lectures were:
    ____too detailed to pick out important points
    ____not explained in sufficient detail
    ____too boring
    ____all jokes and not enough material
    ____all material and not enough jokes
    ____all of the above
  17. This course was:
    ____too early, I was not awake.
    ____at lunchtime, I was hungry
    ____too late, I was tired
  18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up) on my (book, notes, paper) for this course.
  19. Other__________________________________

Thank you. I will expect to see my adjusted grade tomorrow.