Drawing God

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A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”

The teacher paused and said, “but no one knows what God looks like.”

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”

Don’t Step on the Ducks!

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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven … don’t step on the ducks.” So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along come St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on … very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The woman remarks, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?” And the guy says, “Well, I don’t know what you did, but I stepped on a duck.”

Doggie Funeral

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A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, the dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?”

Father Patrick replied, “No, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there’s a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they’ll do something for the animal.”

Muldoon said “I’ll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?”

Father Patrick asked, “Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic?”

Differences

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The priest was instructing a class of third-graders at All Saints grammar school.

“There were two brothers, and one of them chose the wicked path of Satan. The brother was evil and corrupt and did great damage to many people, and wound up a convicted criminal in a tiny, dark cell.

“But the other brother studied hard and became a great, rich, knowledgeable lawyer.

“Now, children, what is the difference between these two brothers, who started out in the same place, who together embarked upon life’s stormy seas?”

Herman raised his hand and said, “Easy. One of them got caught.”

Dear Pastor

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  • Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister.
    Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.

  • Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson.
    Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix

  • Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something.
    Robert Anderson, age 11

  • Dear Pastor, I’m sorry I can’t leave more money in the plate, but my father didn’t give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance?
    Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven

  • Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold.
    Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany

  • Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won’t be there.
    Stephen. Age 8, Chicago

  • Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland.
    Loreen. Age 9, Tacoma

  • Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance.
    Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota

  • Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow.
    Laurie. Age 10, New York City

  • Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner.
    Love, Ellen, age 9, Athens

  • Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God’s help or a new pitcher. Thank you.
    Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh

  • Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don’t think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house.
    Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena

  • Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God?
    Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville

  • Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class.
    Carla. Age 10, Salina

  • Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished.
    Ralph, Age 11, Akron

  • Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers?
    Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston

You Know Your Coven’s Getting Older When…

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  • The ritual feast is puréed.
  • Last Beltaine the coven decided it would be nice to go out to dinner to celebrate.
  • The last time you tried to do a spiral dance your oxygen feeds got tangled.
  • Viagra is kept in the coven supplies.
  • The maiden of the coven is a grandmother.
  • The ritual room is outfitted with defibrillators.
  • The coveners drive their RV’s to Scottsdale for Mabon.
  • When you are at a festival you go to bed at sunset.

    • ‘

  • It takes the whole coven to move the cauldron.
  • The high priest still has a vendetta going against Richard Nixon.
  • You find yourself using your pendulum over the stock pages in the newspaper.
  • You tell an initiate that in your day you had to slog through 5′ of snow uphill both ways when you did a Yule ritual.
  • You drop your teeth in the ritual cup.
  • At Samhain you see more of your coveners in the Wild Hunt than you do in circle.
  • You put your athame in the chalice during ritual but you can’t remember why.
  • You hold an all night blow-out drum frenzy and none of your neighbors noticed.
  • You use Glenn Miller records for trance music.
  • All of your ritual robes are tie-dyed.
  • Your coven has a 401(k) retirement plan.
  • A nitro pill vial replaces the crystal on your pendant.
  • No one’s successfully jumped the Beltaine fire since 1983.
  • You set comfy chairs around the circle.
  • When you sit on the floor and can’t get up again.
  • You do anointings with Aspercreme.
  • The oak tree your coven planted died of old age.
  • You use Bran Muffins and Prune Juice for Cakes & Ale because you need the fiber.
  • You don’t use salt to consecrate you altar because you need to stay away from extra sodium.
  • You use a walker during the Wild Hunt.
  • You prefer to rent a Hall for rituals because the bathrooms are closer.
  • You need a flashlight to find the candles.

If College Students Wrote the Holy Bible

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The Holy Scripture may have had a different bent if written by college students:

  • The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning – cold, with stale Coke.
  • The Ten Commandments would actually be only five – double-spaced, with wide margins, and written in a large font.
  • A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.
  • Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t cafeteria food.
  • Paul’s letter to the Romans would become Paul’s e-mail to abuse@romans.gov.
  • Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
  • Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: They didn’t want to ask for directions and look like freshmen.
  • Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

Signs on Church Property

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  • “No God — No Peace. Know God — Know Peace.”
  • “Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!”
  • “Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.”
  • “Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!”
  • “Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons — come hear one!”
  • “People are like tea bags — you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.”
  • “God so loved the world that He did not send a committee.”
  • “Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!”
  • “When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right.”
  • “Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday.”
  • “Fight truth decay — study the Bible daily.”
  • “How will you spend eternity — Smoking or Non-smoking?”
  • “Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives”
  • “It is unlikely there’ll be a reduction in the wages of sin.”
  • “Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.”
  • “If you’re headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.”
  • “If you don’t like the way you were born, try being born again.”
  • “This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?” ———> (U R)
  • “Forbidden fruit creates many jams.”
  • “In the dark? Follow the Son.”
  • “Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up.”
  • “If you can’t sleep, don’t count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.”
  • “God does not believe in atheists, therefore atheists do not exist”
  • “Don’t make me come down there – God”
  • “Keep using my name in vain. I’ll make rush hour longer – God”
  • “Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you want to meet him.”
  • “God wants spiritual fruits not religious nuts.”

Church Observations

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  • Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to get into their pews or their favorite church parking spot.
  • Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
  • It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
  • We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers.
  • When you get to your wit’s end, you’ll find God lives there.
  • People are funny. They want the front of the bus, middle of the road, and the back of the church.
  • Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your door for years.
  • Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn’t belong.
  • The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience: “And in conclusion.”
  • If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
  • Not only are the sins of the fathers visited upon the children, but nowadays the sins of the children are visited upon the fathers.
  • God Himself does not propose to judge a man till he’s dead. So why should you?
  • To make a long story short, don’t tell it.
  • If your left hand doesn’t know what your right one is doing, you should consider running for a job in Washington.
  • Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
  • I don’t know why some people change churches. What difference does it make which one you stay home from?
  • A lot of church members are singing “Standing on the Promises” while they are just sitting on the premises.

Ten Reasons Men Should Join The Church Choir

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  1. Rehearsals are every Wednesday night. Which means that for those few hours, you will significantly reduce your risk of contracting tendinitis from nonstop operation of a television remote control or computer mouse.
  2. Because you wear a choir robe every Sunday, you are liberated from a task many men find quite challenging: finding clothes that match properly.
  3. From your special vantage point every Sunday, in which you look out at the entire congregation from the choir seats, you will develop interesting new hobbies. Among these is a little guessing game called “Who’s Praying, Who’s Sleeping?”
  4. On the other hand, sitting in full view of 400-500 people on a weekly basis makes it much less likely that you yourself will give in to a chronic lack of sleep. Although it has been known to happen.
  5. If you think your singing in the shower sounds good now, just wait till you’ve been singing with us for a few weeks.
  6. Singing in a choir is one of the few activities for men that does not require electronics equipment or expensive power tools. This could be good for the family budget.
  7. For the fitness buffs, singing in the Choir is not only heart healthy, it’s soul healthy. But there are no monthly membership fees, and it’s a lot easier on the knees than jogging.
  8. If you think you’ve done everything there is to do, and there are no great challenges left in life, try singing with us guys and staying on pitch.
  9. Choir rehearsal lasts half as long as a professional football game, but is at least twice as satisfying. This is especially true if you are a long-suffering fan of the Miami Dolphins. (Don’t worry, though, the rehearsals are on Wednesday, not Monday Nights.)
  10. When people ask you whether you’ve been behaving yourself, you can say with the utmost sincerity, “Hey, I’m a Choir Boy.”