God and Billboards

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billboard

New billboards are getting our attention all over the nation. Some reported seeing one or two messages, but a newspaper listed all of them. Here’s a list of all variations of the “God Speaks” billboards. The billboards are a simple black background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization is included.

  • Tell the kids I love them.
    -God

  • Let’s meet at my house Sunday
    before the game.
    -God

  • C’mon over
    and bring the kids.
    -God

  • What part of “Thou Shalt Not…”
    didn’t you understand?
    -God

  • We need to talk.
    -God

  • Keep using my name in vain,
    I’ll make rush hour longer.
    -God

  • Loved the wedding,
    invite me to the marriage.
    -God

  • That “Love Thy Neighbor” thing…
    I meant it.
    -God

  • I love you and you
    and you and you and…
    -God

  • Will the road you’re on
    get you to my place?
    -God

  • Follow me.
    -God

  • Big bang theory,
    you’ve got to be kidding.
    -God

  • My way is the highway.
    -God

  • Need directions?
    -God

  • You think it’s hot here?
    -God

  • Have you read my #1 best seller?
    There will be a test.
    -God

  • Don’t make me come down there.
    -God

  • Do you have any idea
    where you’re going?
    -God

Garden of Eden

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One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem!”

“What’s the problem, Eve?”

“Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”

“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.

“Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“What’s a ‘man’, Lord?”

“This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But, he’ll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will provide you with companionship and satisfy your desires. Yet, he’ll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be too smart, so he’ll also need your advice to think properly.”

“Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. “What’s the catch, Lord?”

“As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first. So, just remember: it’s our secret. Woman to Woman.”

Football Christianity

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Does your church practice “Football Christianity”?

  • Backfield in Motion: Making two or three trips outside the Church during Mass.
    – OR – Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.

  • Bench warmer: An inactive church member.
    – OR – Those whose only participation is their attendance at Sunday Mass.
    – OR – Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.

  • The Blitz: The mad stampede for the doors as the Iconastasis doors are closed.
    – OR – The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.

  • Blocking: Standing inside the church door complaining to the pastor about the sermon.
  • Extra point: What you receive when you tell the preacher the sermon was too short.
  • Draft choice: Choose a seat near the back door.
  • Draw Play: What many children (and not a few adults) do with their bulletins during Mass.
  • End Run: Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.
  • Flex Defense: The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.
  • Fumble: A lousy sermon.
  • Halfback Option: The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.

  • Halftime: The Choir Anthem/Offertory
    – OR – The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave

  • Illegal motion: Leaving before the benediction.
  • Instant Replay: The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week’s illustrations.

  • Quarterback sneak: Sunday school teachers entering the church building five minutes after Sunday school begins.
    – OR – People who leave Mass before it’s over without grave reason.

  • Stay in the Pocket: What happens to a lot of money that ought to go to the Church.
  • Sudden Death: The penalty to the priest who preaches more than twenty minutes.
  • Trap: You’re called on to pray and are asleep.

  • Two-minute warning: The chairman of the board sitting in a front-row pew, taking a look at his watch in full view of the preacher.
    – OR – The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.

How the Faiths Fight a Fire

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Recently, just as an ecumenical gathering was commencing, a secretary rushed in shouting, “The building is on fire!”

  • The Methodists gathered in a corner and prayed.
  • The Baptists cried, “Where is the water?”
  • The Quakers quietly praised God for blessings that fire brings.
  • The Lutherans posted a notice on the door declaring that fire was evil.
  • The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the damage.
  • The Jews posted symbols on the doors hoping the fire would pass.
  • The Congregationalists shouted, “Every man for himself.”
  • The Fundamentalists proclaimed, “It’s the vengeance of God!”
  • The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out.
  • The Christian Scientists concluded that the fire would burn itself out.
  • The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson, who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.
  • The Unity Students proclaimed the fire had no power over them.
  • Some Atheists in attendance didn’t believe there was a fire.
  • The Secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put out the fire.
  • AND The Mormons, having arrived fifteen minutes late, missed the fire completely!!!!

Heavenly Entrance Exam

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There are three guys who are good friends. One is an American, one is Polish, and one is Italian. They are driving together one day when they get into a car accident. They all die and float up towards the gates of Heaven. When they get there, an angel who tells them they are all on the border of Heaven and Hell. As a result, they have the choice to either ask a question of the angel or be asked a question. If they answer correctly, or if the angel answers incorrectly on their question, they will pass into Heaven.

The Italian guy goes first. He tells the angel to ask him a question. The angel says, “How many grains of sand are there in the world?”

The Italian guy says, “Um, four trillion?” and falls straight to Hell.

The Polish guy goes next and wants the angel to ask a question. The angel says, “How many drops of water are there in all of the world’s oceans?”

He says, “Uh, ninety-eight billion?” and also falls straight to Hell.

Finally, it’s the American’s turn. He tells the angel he will ask the question, but he needs a pencil and paper. The angel snaps his fingers and it magically appears. The American proceeds to take the paper, makes hundreds of holes in it with the pencil and farts through it. He then asks the angel, “Which hole did my fart go through?”

The angel replies, “That’s easy,” and points to a hole.

The American says… “No, it came out of this one!” and points to his butt, and then goes to Heaven.

The End of the World

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The panicky world learns that a giant meteor will crash on earth’s surface in 10 days and end it all. Reaction?

  • Roman Catholics: converge on Rome for solemn papal prayers.
  • Episcopalians: stage one last party before the end.
  • Lutherans: “ein deutsches Bierfest” for the same reason.
  • Baptists: hold biggest revival in history for one last attempt to turn the whole world Baptist before the end, whether the world wants to or not.
  • Methodists: organize small groups for heart-burning prayer and testimony.
  • Quakers: sit quietly and await the end.
  • Mormons: plunge into the Great Salt Lake in earth’s biggest baptism-by-proxy ceremony.
  • Presbyterians: appoint a committee to make a thorough study of the entire situation.
  • United Church: commission a study booklet so all the congregations can discuss the issue. They are to report back in two years.

The Electronic Parish

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You know your parish has gone over the electronic communications edge when:

  • The pastor reads his sermon from a palm-held computer “notepad”
  • There are cell-phone chargers next to the pew-pencil drill holes
  • MCI takes out full-page ads in the parish bulletin
  • At the parish flea market, used cell phones and answering machines outnumber bowling balls, blenders and electric can-openers.
  • When the bells are rung following the consecration, half the congregation reaches into pockets or purses to see if it was for them. (Theologically speaking, of course, it was.)
  • The parish not only has an Internet web site, the parish council has discussed petitioning the bishop to change the parish name to “All Saints Domain”
  • Everyone in the parish assumes everyone knows what “domain” means
  • People without email addresses are known as “the needy”
  • As an April Fool’s Day joke on the pastor, several of the teenagers hid their pagers around his office, then called them all simultaneously. Apparently it did not startle him. He said he felt like he was at Sunday liturgy.
  • During coffee and doughnuts after Mass, people are overheard wondering if confession by email would be “licit.” Someone thinks “licit” is the name of a new software company.
  • A petition is circulating to partition the crying room, creating a “beepers-on” section.
  • To quiet fussy 2-year-olds, handing them pagers on “vibrate” is more common than handing them Cheerios.
  • Five-year-olds actually do say “deliver us some email” during the Our Father rather than “deliver us from evil.”
  • “It’s getting so bad,” I said to my colleague, “that pretty soon if you forget your contribution envelope, there’ll be one of those credit card slides in your pew so you can charge it.”

    • “You mean your parish still uses envelopes?” he asked.

Ebonic Lord’s Prayer

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Yo, Bid Daddy upstairs,
You be chillin
So be yo hood
You be sayin’ it, I be doin’ it
In this here hood and yo’s
Gimme some eats
And cut me some slack, Blood
Sos I be doin’ it to dem dat dis me
Don’t be push’n me into no jive
and keep dem Crips away
‘Cause you always be ‘da Man
Aaa-Men

Our Father who art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,
and the power and the glory.
Amen.

Ways to Survive Even the Dullest of Sermons

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  • Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests.
  • See if a yawn really is contagious.
  • Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the priest.
  • Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs.
  • Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with ‘A’ then ‘B and so on through the alphabet. You may get stuck on ‘Q’ and ‘X’ though…
  • Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front.
  • Using church notice-sheets or newcomers cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.
  • Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.
  • Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the lavatory.
  • Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favourite hymn.
  • If the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles.
  • Pretend to be 4 years old.
  • Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone.
  • By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt inside out.
  • Try to raise one eyebrow.
  • Crack your knuckles.
  • Think about your chin for an entire minute.
  • Twiddle your thumbs.
  • Twiddle your neighbours thumbs.
  • Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice.
  • Practice smiling insincerely.

Drive Thru Confessional and Wedding Chapel

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(disembodied voice from a speaker in the middle of a huge plastic Jesus):

“Thank you for choosing the McChurch of Perpetual Laziness, may I take your order?”

“Uhhh, yeah, I’d like two Big MacFessions, one Get Out Of Hell Scratch Off Card, ummm, a small order of Holy Water, and, ummm, we were gonna get a hotel room later, so I better get one of those McQuickie Weddings.”

“Ok, my son, that’s two Big MacFessions, a Get Out Of Hell Scratch Off Card, a small Holy Water, and a McQuickie Wedding — did you want to SuperSize that? You get an additional scratch off card and a large Holy Water along with your choice of either a free baptism or mirror air freshener in the image of the Baby Jesus Under Our Golden Arches.”

“Cool, yeah, ok, super size it and give me the air freshener thing. Do I get absolution with that or do I still have to do the rosary stuff?”

“Absolution isn’t guaranteed unless you prepay. The rosary stuff is between you and the cashier. Your total is $19.95, my son, please pull to the first window.”

(The car pulls forward. A wooden panel in the wall opens.)

“Yes, my son?”

“Ummm, yes, bless me, McFather, it has been about 45 minutes since my last confession, umm, hey, can I get fries with this?”