Football Christianity

Does your church practice “Football Christianity”?

  • Backfield in Motion: Making two or three trips outside the Church during Mass.
    – OR – Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.
  • Bench warmer: An inactive church member.
    – OR – Those whose only participation is their attendance at Sunday Mass.
    – OR – Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.
  • The Blitz: The mad stampede for the doors as the Iconastasis doors are closed.
    – OR – The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.
  • Blocking: Standing inside the church door complaining to the pastor about the sermon.
  • Extra point: What you receive when you tell the preacher the sermon was too short.
  • Draft choice: Choose a seat near the back door.
  • Draw Play: What many children (and not a few adults) do with their bulletins during Mass.
  • End Run: Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.
  • Flex Defense: The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.
  • Fumble: A lousy sermon.
  • Halfback Option: The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.
  • Halftime: The Choir Anthem/Offertory
    – OR – The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave
  • Illegal motion: Leaving before the benediction.
  • Instant Replay: The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week’s illustrations.
  • Quarterback sneak: Sunday school teachers entering the church building five minutes after Sunday school begins.
    – OR – People who leave Mass before it’s over without grave reason.
  • Stay in the Pocket: What happens to a lot of money that ought to go to the Church.
  • Sudden Death: The penalty to the priest who preaches more than twenty minutes.
  • Trap: You’re called on to pray and are asleep.
  • Two-minute warning: The chairman of the board sitting in a front-row pew, taking a look at his watch in full view of the preacher.
    – OR – The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.