1. Rehearsals are every Wednesday night. Which means that for those few hours, you will significantly reduce your risk of contracting tendinitis from nonstop operation of a television remote control or computer mouse.
2. Because you wear a choir robe every Sunday, you are liberated from a task many men find quite challenging: finding clothes that match properly.
3. From your special vantage point every Sunday, in which you look out at the entire congregation from the choir seats, you will develop interesting new hobbies. Among these is a little guessing game called “Who’s Praying, Who’s Sleeping?”
4. On the other hand, sitting in full view of 400-500 people on a weekly basis makes it much less likely that you yourself will give in to a chronic lack of sleep. Although it has been known to happen.
5. If you think your singing in the shower sounds good now, just wait till you’ve been singing with us for a few weeks.
6. Singing in a choir is one of the few activities for men that does not require electronics equipment or expensive power tools. This could be good for the family budget.
7. For the fitness buffs, singing in the Choir is not only heart healthy, it’s soul healthy. But there are no monthly membership fees, and it’s a lot easier on the knees than jogging.
8. If you think you’ve done everything there is to do, and there are no great challenges left in life, try singing with us guys and staying on pitch.
9. Choir rehearsal lasts half as long as a professional football game, but is at least twice as satisfying. This is especially true if you are a long-suffering fan of the Miami Dolphins. (Don’t worry, though, the rehearsals are on Wednesday, not Monday Nights.)
10. When people ask you whether you’ve been behaving yourself, you can say with the utmost sincerity, “Hey, I’m a Choir Boy.”

In order to measure your level of proficiency as a choir member, the following test has been carefully developed by experts. Read and reflect on each situation and then select the option that will enhance the quality of the performance.

1. You are entering the choir loft on Sunday morning and suddenly trip and fall down. You should:
   a. Assume a kneeling position and break into fervent prayer.
   b. Pretend that you’ve had a heart attack.
   c. Crawl into the nearest chair.
   d. Begin speaking in tongues.
2. You are a soprano and count incorrectly. As a result you boom out a high “C” one measure too soon. You should:
   a. Slide into an inspired “O For a Thousand Tongues to Sing.”
   a. Look triumphant and hold on to the note.
   c. Stop abruptly in mid squawk but keep your lips moving.
   d. Sink to the floor in shame.
3. After all those long hard choir rehearsals, you show up twenty minutes late for the Christmas musical. You should:
   a. Climb into the back row of the choir from the baptistry.
   b. Enter pretending to be a soundman checking cables and then suddenly slip yourself into the choir.
   c. Turn the lights out in the church and slip into the choir during the blackout.
   d. Read M. Stephen’s pamphlet “Techniques for Tardy Appearances.”
4. While singing, you discover you have only one page of a two page hymn. You should:
   a. Hum for your life.
   b. Sing “watermelon, watermelon, watermelon.”
   c. Try to get another hymnal out of the choir rack with your feet.
   d. Sing the first page over again.
5. Inevitably that dreaded big sneeze occurs toward the end of the choir special. You should:
   a. As you sneeze, come down hard on your neighbor’s foot to create a diversion.
   b. Try to make it harmonize.
   c. Sneeze into the hair of the choir member in front of you to muffle the noise.
   d. Sink to the floor in shame.

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Count the number of A’s, B’s, C’s, and D’s you checked and find your proficiency rating below:

• 4 or more A’s…there is nothing more you need to know to be a first rate choir member.
• 4 or more B’s…your church choir reflexes are fully developed and you should do well in choir.
• 4 or more C’s…your church choral experience is spotty but your team spirit is on target. You will be an asset to most any choir.
• 4 or more D’s…it is recommended you take soccer or group therapy counseling.

…. And, seeing the long Church Year before them, and knowing the awesome role that music must play in the worship services that lay ahead, the Choir Director called together the singers and spake to them, saying:

Blessed are the poor in spirit, those who are willing to blend their voices into a harmonious ensemble, for theirs is the music of heaven.

Blessed are they that mourn when forced to miss rehearsal, but call to inform the Director of their anticipated absence, for in these faithful few shall the Director find comfort.

Blessed are the meek, who submit themselves to following the Director, for they shall merit great worth.

Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after rehearsals are concluded, bringing with them neither gum nor goodies, for they shall be filled with music.

Blessed are the merciful, who take pity on the music’s composer, careful to read the original notes, follow the original time, proclaim resoundingly the original message, for they shall obtain mercy from discriminating critics.

Blessed are the pure in pitch, in tone, in enunciation, for their voices shall blend in moving harmonies, enabling others to envision God.

Blessed are the music-makers, for they shall be called the heralders of God.

Blessed are ye singers when the Director shall seem to persecute you for the sake of the final rendition; be patient and rejoice, for of such perfection is the music of heaven.

Blessed are ye when other choirs shall revile you, and turn their ears from you, and say all manner of evil against you jealously.

Rejoice, and be exceedingly glad, for great is your reward in heavenly satisfaction that you have sung faithfully and well – for so disparaged they the great singers who were before you … perhaps even that Bethlehem choir of Angel voices!