Fundamentally Christian Dog

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This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.

At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.

The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn’t thought about “normal” tricks.

Well, they said, “let’s try this out.”

Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, “Heel!”

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man’s forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

Choir Proficiency Test

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In order to measure your level of proficiency as a choir member, the following test has been carefully developed by experts. Read and reflect on each situation and then select the option that will enhance the quality of the performance.

  1. You are entering the choir loft on Sunday morning and suddenly trip and fall down. You should:
    a. Assume a kneeling position and break into fervent prayer.
    b. Pretend that you’ve had a heart attack.
    c. Crawl into the nearest chair.
    d. Begin speaking in tongues.

  2. You are a soprano and count incorrectly. As a result you boom out a high “C” one measure too soon. You should:
    a. Slide into an inspired “O For a Thousand Tongues to Sing.”
    a. Look triumphant and hold on to the note.
    c. Stop abruptly in mid squawk but keep your lips moving.
    d. Sink to the floor in shame.

  3. After all those long hard choir rehearsals, you show up twenty minutes late for the Christmas musical. You should:
    a. Climb into the back row of the choir from the baptistry.
    b. Enter pretending to be a soundman checking cables and then suddenly slip yourself into the choir.
    c. Turn the lights out in the church and slip into the choir during the blackout.
    d. Read M. Stephen’s pamphlet “Techniques for Tardy Appearances.”

  4. While singing, you discover you have only one page of a two page hymn. You should:
    a. Hum for your life.
    b. Sing “watermelon, watermelon, watermelon.”
    c. Try to get another hymnal out of the choir rack with your feet.
    d. Sing the first page over again.

  5. Inevitably that dreaded big sneeze occurs toward the end of the choir special. You should:
    a. As you sneeze, come down hard on your neighbor’s foot to create a diversion.
    b. Try to make it harmonize.
    c. Sneeze into the hair of the choir member in front of you to muffle the noise.
    d. Sink to the floor in shame.

    6. Count the number of A’s, B’s, C’s, and D’s you checked and find your proficiency rating below:

    • 4 or more A’s…there is nothing more you need to know to be a first rate choir member.
    • 4 or more B’s…your church choir reflexes are fully developed and you should do well in choir.
    • 4 or more C’s…your church choral experience is spotty but your team spirit is on target. You will be an asset to most any choir.
    • 4 or more D’s…it is recommended you take soccer or group therapy counseling.

A Choir Director’s Beatitudes

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…. And, seeing the long Church Year before them, and knowing the awesome role that music must play in the worship services that lay ahead, the Choir Director called together the singers and spake to them, saying:

Blessed are the poor in spirit, those who are willing to blend their voices into a harmonious ensemble, for theirs is the music of heaven.

Blessed are they that mourn when forced to miss rehearsal, but call to inform the Director of their anticipated absence, for in these faithful few shall the Director find comfort.

Blessed are the meek, who submit themselves to following the Director, for they shall merit great worth.

Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after rehearsals are concluded, bringing with them neither gum nor goodies, for they shall be filled with music.

Blessed are the merciful, who take pity on the music’s composer, careful to read the original notes, follow the original time, proclaim resoundingly the original message, for they shall obtain mercy from discriminating critics.

Blessed are the pure in pitch, in tone, in enunciation, for their voices shall blend in moving harmonies, enabling others to envision God.

Blessed are the music-makers, for they shall be called the heralders of God.

Blessed are ye singers when the Director shall seem to persecute you for the sake of the final rendition; be patient and rejoice, for of such perfection is the music of heaven.

Blessed are ye when other choirs shall revile you, and turn their ears from you, and say all manner of evil against you jealously.

Rejoice, and be exceedingly glad, for great is your reward in heavenly satisfaction that you have sung faithfully and well – for so disparaged they the great singers who were before you … perhaps even that Bethlehem choir of Angel voices!

Signs That Your Child Might Be a Witch

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  • Your child asks to use the broom to cleanse, I mean clean, their room.
  • There is always a steak knife missing.
  • Your smallest pan keeps disappearing and reappearing, and always smells like ashes and potpourri.
  • All your candle holders are missing.
  • They now enjoy going to the fabric store with you and they want thread, ribbon and cloth of every color of the rainbow.

  • Their Christmas and Birthday wish lists consist of:
    a white or black full length bathrobe
    blank journal books
    window box herb gardens
    and a box of candles in assorted colors.

  • You just figured out that every full or new moon your child asks to have 3 friends spend the night; and strangely they are very quiet all night.
  • Your child now says “Merry Meet Again” every morning to you and whenever they leave they say “Merry Part”.
  • Your recipe cards are disappearing and when you do find them you can’t make sense of the recipe since it doesn’t require any actual cooking.
  • Your child has a new ID bracelet that reads something like “RavenMoon” “StarWolf” or “SunDragon”.
  • Your child asks you one day for a compass, four pails of paint; blue, green, red, and yellow, so that they can paint their room correctly.
  • They insist that their first car be the color brown and have a license plate that says BROOM.
  • Their pillows are now filled with all your potpourri.
  • You ask your child to rake up the autumn leaves in the yard, and they come back with a small stick and a large stick; which you later find to have shiny objects on them and unidentifiable etchings.
  • Once a jar gets emptied in your house it ends up in your child’s room filled with various objects like pins, needles, hair, honey, paper, and soil.

Changing a Light Bulb

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How Many Church Members
Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?

  • Charismatics
    Only one. Hands already in the air.

  • Roman Catholics
    None. They use candles.

  • Pentecostals
    Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

  • Presbyterians
    None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.

  • Episcopalians
    Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.

  • Mormons
    Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

  • Unitarians
    We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual Light Bulb Sunday Service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

  • Baptists
    At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and two or three committees to approve the change. Oh, and also one to provide a casserole.

  • Lutherans
    None. Lutherans don’t believe in change.

A Catholic Dictionary

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  • Amen
    The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

  • Bulletin
    1. Parish information, read only during the homily.
    2. Catholic air conditioning.
    3. Your receipt for attending Mass.

  • Choir
    A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

  • Holy Water
    A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

  • Hymn
    A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.

  • Incense
    Holy Smoke!

  • Jesuits
    An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.

  • Jonah
    The original “Jaws” story.

  • Justice
    When kids have kids of their own.

  • Kyrie Eleison
    The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.

  • Magi
    The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

  • Manger
    1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO.
    2. The Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

  • Pew
    A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.

  • Procession
    The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

  • Recessional
    The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass – led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

  • Recessional Hymn
    The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

  • Relics
    People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

  • Ten Commandments
    The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

  • Ushers
    The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.

Actual Announcements Taken From Church Bulletins

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  • Don’t let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
  • Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
  • Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
  • For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  • The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Reverend and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
  • This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
  • Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
  • Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing “Put Me In My Little Bed” accompanied by the pastor.
  • Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
  • This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mr. Vassilas to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
  • The service will close with “Little Drops Of Water”. One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.
  • Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
  • The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
  • A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
  • At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?”. Come early and listen to our choir practice.
  • Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
  • The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
  • Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
  • 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
  • Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
  • The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
  • Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing for the girth of their first child.
  • Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
  • The Lutheran Men’s group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
  • The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge-Up Yours.”
  • This evening at 7:00 pm there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to SIN.

Breaking the Silence

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Brother John entered the ‘Monastery of Silence’ and the Abbott said, “Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.”

Brother John lived in the monastery for a full year before the Abbott said to him:

“Brother John, you have been here a year now, you may speak two words.”

Brother John said, “Hard Bed.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” the Abbott said. “We will get you a better bed.”

The next year, Brother John was called by the Abbott. “You may say another two words Brother John.”

“Cold Food.” said Brother John, and the Abbott assured him that the food would be better in the future.

On his third anniversary at the monastery, the Abbott again called Brother John into his office. “Two words you may say today.”

“I quit.” said Brother John.

“It is probably best.” said the Abbott. “All you have done since you got here is complain.”

Sayings of Biblical Mothers

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  • SAMSON! Get your hand out of that lion. You don’t know where it’s been!
  • DAVID! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons!
  • ABRAHAM! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper!
  • SHADRACH, MESHACH AND ABEDNEGO! Leave those clothes outside, you smell like a dirty ol’ furnace!
  • CAIN! Get off your brother! You’re going to kill him some day!
  • NOAH! No, you can’t keep them! I told you, don’t bring home any more strays!
  • GIDEON! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at your clothes!
  • JAMES AND JOHN! No more burping contests at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you the sons of thunder!
  • JUDAS! Have you been in my purse again?!

The Top Biblical Ways to Get a Wife

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  1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours. – (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
  2. Find a prostitute and marry her. – (Hosea 1:1-3)
  3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. – Moses (Ex 2:16-21)
  4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. – Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
  5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. – Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
  6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you.- Adam (Gen 2:19-24)
  7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman’s hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That’s right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. – Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
  8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law’s enemies and get his daughter for a wife – David (I Samuel 18:27)
  9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you’ll definitely find someone. (It’s all relative, of course.) – Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
  10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. – Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
  11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, “I have seen a … woman; now get her for me.” If your parents question your decision, simply say, “Get her for me. She’s the one for me.” – Samson (Judges 14:1-)
  12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). – David (2 Samuel 11)
  13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It’s not just a good idea; it’s the law.) – Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
  14. Don’t be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. – Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)