God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
- How did you find out about God?
___ Newspaper
___ Other Book
___ Television
___ Divine Inspiration
___ Word of Mouth
___ Near Death Experience
___ Tabloid
___ Burning Shrubbery
___ Bible
___ Torah
___ who?
___ Other (specify):_________________________ - Which model God did you acquire?
___ Yahweh
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet Bundle
___ Jehovah
___ Jesus
___ Allah
___ Satan
___ God
___ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
___ don’t know what you’re talking about. - Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
___ Yes
___ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here:______________________________ - What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a god? Please check all that apply.
___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed focus in whom to despise
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Hate to think for myself
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ Wanted to piss off parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Desperate need for certainty
___ Like Organ Music
___ Need to feel Morally Superior
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
___ don’t know - Have you ever worshiped a God before? Is so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
___ Odin
___ Cthulhu
___ Zeus
___ The Almighty Dollar
___ Apollo
___ Left Wing Liberalism
___ The Radical Right
___ Ra
___ Barney T.B.P.D.
___ The great Spirit
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ The Sun
___ Barack Obama
___ Teemu Selanne
___ Lady Gaga
___ The Moon
___ A burning cabbage
___ drugs
___ Other: ________________ - Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
___ Tarot
___ Lottery
___ Astrology
___ Television
___ Fortune cookies
___ Ann Landers
___ Psychic Friends Network
___ Dianetics
___ Self-help books
___ Biorhythms
___ Alcohol
___ Barack Obama
___ Teemu Selanne
___ Tea Leaves
___ EST
___ Mantras
___ Jimmy Swaggert
___ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
___ Human Sacrifice
___ Pyramids
___ Wandering around a desert
___ Insurance policies
___ Burning Shrubbery
___ Barney T.B.P.D.
___ Barney Fife
___ Other: _____________________
___ None - God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don’t know…what’s Divine Intervention? - God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 – 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
a. Disasters:
flood 1 2 3 4 5 famine 1 2 3 4 5 earthquake 1 2 3 4 5 war 1 2 3 4 5 pestilence 1 2 3 4 5 plague 1 2 3 4 5 SPAM 1 2 3 4 5 AOL 1 2 3 4 5 b. Miracles:
rescues 1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5 crying statues 1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5 walking on water 1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5
If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by August 30 you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approx. 1×10^256, depending on number of beings entered).