- Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
- Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
- Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
- Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
- Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
- Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
- Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
- Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
- When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
- Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a Code 3 in Housewares,” and see what
- Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to “10”.
- Play with the automatic doors.
- Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi! I haven’t seen you in so long!…” etc. See if they play along to avoid
- While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, “Who BUYS this crap,
- Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
- Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you’re taking it for a “test drive.”
- Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the
- Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
- As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, “Wow. Magic!”
- Put M&M’s on layaway.
- Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.
- Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
- Test the fishing rods and see what you can “catch” from the other aisles.
- Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
- Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, “…I’m Batman. Come, Robin–to the Batcave!”
- TP as much of the store as possible.
- Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
- Play with the calculators so that they all spell “hello” upside down.
- When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, “Why won’t you people just leave me alone?”
- When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, “Red Rover!”
- Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., “Do you have any Shnerples
- Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
- Take bets on the battle described above.
- Nonchalantly “test” the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
- While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as
spastic as possible.
- Hold indoor shopping cart races.
- Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from “Mission: Impossible.”
- Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
- Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
- Say things like, “Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?”
- Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.
- Two words: “Marco Polo.”
- Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
- “Re-alphabetize” the CD’s in Electronics.
- In the auto department, practice your “Madonna” look with various funnels.
- When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
- Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
- When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, “No, no! It’s those voices
- Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
- Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you
don’t get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
*BONUS* Attempt all of the above during the same visit.