God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?
   ___ Newspaper
   ___ Other Book
   ___ Television
   ___ Divine Inspiration
   ___ Word of Mouth
   ___ Near Death Experience
   ___ Tabloid
   ___ Burning Shrubbery
   ___ Bible
   ___ Torah
   ___ who?
   ___ Other (specify):_________________________
2. Which model God did you acquire?
   ___ Yahweh
   ___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet Bundle
   ___ Jehovah
   ___ Jesus
   ___ Allah
   ___ Satan
   ___ God
   ___ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
   ___ don’t know what you’re talking about.
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
   ___ Yes
   ___ No
   If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here:______________________________
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a god? Please check all that apply.
   ___ Indoctrinated by parents
   ___ Needed a reason to live
   ___ Indoctrinated by society
   ___ Needed focus in whom to despise
   ___ Imaginary friend grew up
   ___ Hate to think for myself
   ___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
   ___ Fear of death
   ___ Wanted to piss off parents
   ___ Needed a day away from work
   ___ Desperate need for certainty
   ___ Like Organ Music
   ___ Need to feel Morally Superior
   ___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
   ___ don’t know
5. Have you ever worshiped a God before? Is so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
   ___ Odin
   ___ Cthulhu
   ___ Zeus
   ___ The Almighty Dollar
   ___ Apollo
   ___ Left Wing Liberalism
   ___ The Radical Right
   ___ Ra
   ___ Barney T.B.P.D.
   ___ The great Spirit
   ___ The Great Pumpkin
   ___ The Sun
   ___ Barack Obama
   ___ Teemu Selanne
   ___ Lady Gaga
   ___ The Moon
   ___ A burning cabbage
   ___ drugs
   ___ Other: ________________
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
   ___ Tarot
   ___ Lottery
   ___ Astrology
   ___ Television
   ___ Fortune cookies
   ___ Ann Landers
   ___ Psychic Friends Network
   ___ Dianetics
   ___ Self-help books
   ___ Biorhythms
   ___ Alcohol
   ___ Barack Obama
   ___ Teemu Selanne
   ___ Tea Leaves
   ___ EST
   ___ Mantras
   ___ Jimmy Swaggert
   ___ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
   ___ Human Sacrifice
   ___ Pyramids
   ___ Wandering around a desert
   ___ Insurance policies
   ___ Burning Shrubbery
   ___ Barney T.B.P.D.
   ___ Barney Fife
   ___ Other: _____________________
   ___ None
7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
   a. More Divine Intervention
   b. Less Divine Intervention
   c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
   d. Don’t know…what’s Divine Intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 – 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

   a. Disasters:

   flood	1	2	3	4	5
   famine	1	2	3	4	5
   earthquake	1	2	3	4	5
   war	1	2	3	4	5
   pestilence	1	2	3	4	5
   plague	1	2	3	4	5
   SPAM	1	2	3	4	5
   AOL	1	2	3	4	5

   b. Miracles:

   rescues	1	2	3	4	5
   spontaneous remissions	1	2	3	4	5
   stars hovering over towns	1	2	3	4	5
   crying statues	1	2	3	4	5
   water changing to wine	1	2	3	4	5
   walking on water	1	2	3	4	5
   VCRs that set their own clocks	1	2	3	4	5

If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by August 30 you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approx. 1×10^256, depending on number of beings entered).