God’s Total Quality Management Questionnaire

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

  1. How did you find out about God?
    ___ Newspaper
    ___ Other Book
    ___ Television
    ___ Divine Inspiration
    ___ Word of Mouth
    ___ Near Death Experience
    ___ Tabloid
    ___ Burning Shrubbery
    ___ Bible
    ___ Torah
    ___ who?
    ___ Other (specify):_________________________
  2. Which model God did you acquire?
    ___ Yahweh
    ___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet Bundle
    ___ Jehovah
    ___ Jesus
    ___ Allah
    ___ Satan
    ___ God
    ___ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
    ___ don’t know what you’re talking about.
  3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
    ___ Yes
    ___ No
    If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here:______________________________
  4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a god? Please check all that apply.
    ___ Indoctrinated by parents
    ___ Needed a reason to live
    ___ Indoctrinated by society
    ___ Needed focus in whom to despise
    ___ Imaginary friend grew up
    ___ Hate to think for myself
    ___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
    ___ Fear of death
    ___ Wanted to piss off parents
    ___ Needed a day away from work
    ___ Desperate need for certainty
    ___ Like Organ Music
    ___ Need to feel Morally Superior
    ___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
    ___ don’t know
  5. Have you ever worshiped a God before? Is so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
    ___ Odin
    ___ Cthulhu
    ___ Zeus
    ___ The Almighty Dollar
    ___ Apollo
    ___ Left Wing Liberalism
    ___ The Radical Right
    ___ Ra
    ___ Barney T.B.P.D.
    ___ The great Spirit
    ___ The Great Pumpkin
    ___ The Sun
    ___ Barack Obama
    ___ Teemu Selanne
    ___ Lady Gaga
    ___ The Moon
    ___ A burning cabbage
    ___ drugs
    ___ Other: ________________
  6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
    ___ Tarot
    ___ Lottery
    ___ Astrology
    ___ Television
    ___ Fortune cookies
    ___ Ann Landers
    ___ Psychic Friends Network
    ___ Dianetics
    ___ Self-help books
    ___ Biorhythms
    ___ Alcohol
    ___ Barack Obama
    ___ Teemu Selanne
    ___ Tea Leaves
    ___ EST
    ___ Mantras
    ___ Jimmy Swaggert
    ___ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
    ___ Human Sacrifice
    ___ Pyramids
    ___ Wandering around a desert
    ___ Insurance policies
    ___ Burning Shrubbery
    ___ Barney T.B.P.D.
    ___ Barney Fife
    ___ Other: _____________________
    ___ None
  7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
    a. More Divine Intervention
    b. Less Divine Intervention
    c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
    d. Don’t know…what’s Divine Intervention?
  8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 – 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

    a. Disasters:

    flood 1 2 3 4 5
    famine 1 2 3 4 5
    earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
    war 1 2 3 4 5
    pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
    plague 1 2 3 4 5
    SPAM 1 2 3 4 5
    AOL 1 2 3 4 5

    b. Miracles:

    rescues 1 2 3 4 5
    spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
    stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5
    crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
    water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
    walking on water 1 2 3 4 5
    VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5
  • Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God’s services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary)
  • If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by August 30 you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approx. 1×10^256, depending on number of beings entered).