- Surgery: Operation, Life
- Oncology or Patient Relations: Sorry
- Neurology: Concentration, Boggle
- Mental Health: Crazy Eights, Solitaire, Outburst
- Gastroenterology: Chutes and Ladders, Go Fish, Poker, Dungeons and Dragons, Lincoln Logs
- Administration: Trivial Pursuit, Monopoly
- Eating Disorders: Hungry Hungry Hippos
- Finance: Trouble
- Diabetes Center: Candyland
- Plastic Surgery: Mr. Potato Head
- Payroll: Payday
- Rehab: Twister
- Parkinson’s Center: Jenga
- Travel Clinic: Ants in the Pants
- Infectious Disease: Cooties, Risk
- Geriatric Medicine: Bingo
- Gene Therapy: Barrel of Monkeys
- Urology: Upwards
- Cardiology: Hearts
- Orthopedics: Pinball
- Cafeteria: Mousetrap
- Podiatry: Tic Tac Toe
How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity
- At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
- Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
- Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
- Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “in”.
- Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to
espresso.
- In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors”.
- Finish all your sentences with “in accordance with the prophecy.”
- Dont use any punctuation marks
- As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
- Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
- Specify that your drive-through order is “to go”.
- Sing along at the opera.
- Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
- Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
- Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
- Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Rock.
- When the money comes out the ATM, scream “I won!”, “I won!” “3rd time this week!!!!!”
- When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling “run for your lives, they’re loose!!”
- Tell your children over dinner, “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”
- Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or asked you not to send them stuff like
this.
How to Get Even With Someone
- Garage Sale
Place an ad in the classified section of your local newspaper advertising a GIGANTIC Garage Sale listing the address of your victim. Advertise televisions, cam-corder, vintage automobile, antiques, etc. Sale begins at 6:00 a.m. all items in the backyard, just come around back and come early! - X-Rays at Airports
Purchase a large adult bedroom toy. Wrap it in a large amount of tin foil. Secretly hide it in a piece of the victims carry on luggage. As it goes through the airport x-ray machine the contents of the device will be shielded by the tin foil and will be unwrapped and inspected by airport security officials. An absolute classic… - Oil Spot
At night pour used oil underneath the victim’s car while parked in the driveway. Pour enough that will be alarming. Continue to do this each night. The subject will spend great deals of money trying to get the oil leak repaired time and time again. I have even heard of a person buying a new car after the repeated attempts at repair. Imagine their surprise when that new car starts leaking too. - Flat Tire
Very similar to the Oil Spot, but with a twist. Let most of the air out of one of your victim’s tires. Keep doing this each night, and watch as they call a tow truck or the Automobile Club day after day. Odd how those new tires keep losing air, too. - Paper Money
Write a sexually oriented solicitation message, victim’s name and phone number (inviting a phone call) on the edge of several pieces of paper money before spending them. The victim will receive many eye popping inquiries. Another favorite… - Fax Machines
Write whatever you wish on 9 pages of 8 1/2 by 11 inch paper and tape them together (end to end). Dial the victim’s fax number and start sending the pages through. After page two has been transmitted, tape the top of page 1 to the bottom of page 9 making a continuous loop. The document will continue to cycle until the victim’s fax machine has run out of paper. Be sure and disable your phone number from being printed on the fax and also disable caller I.D. This prank is great to get even with a business or individual who has somehow cheated you. This can have same results as Oil Spot. - Dogs
Purchase a silent dog whistle. In the early hours of the morning (2am-4am) go near the victim’s house and blow the silent whistle and the dog will begin to bark uncontrollably until the owner awakes and disciplines the animal. When the owner goes back to bed repeat the process again.
Pranks to Play in Space
- Contact NASA by saying, “Whitney Houston, we have a problem!”
- Spike the Tang with Folger’s Crystals.
- Paste a “Hyundai” logo on the main control panel.
- Tape photo of Keith Richards to window and then tell crew, “There’s a hideous Martian outside the ship!”
- Dump sewage tank over Iraq.
- Fill someone’s oxygen tank with Heinz’ Homestyle Beef Gravy.
- Ring doorbell on Mir Spacestation; quickly float away.
- Hide the experimental bee hive in someone’s space suit.
- Sneak action figure from “Alien” movies aboard, then pretend it pops out of your stomach during dinner.
- Egg the moon.
Chain Letter Fertilizer Club
Dear Friend:
This letter is being sent to you because I know you are interested in having a beautiful lawn this summer. This is a fertilizer club and it will not cost you one cent. Upon receipt of this letter, go to the address at the top of the list and shit on the lawn. You will not be the only one there, so don’t be embarrassed.
Make five copies of this letter and send them to five of your friends who appreciate good lawns.
You will not get any money or checks, but within one week, if this chain is not broken, there will be 9,216 people shitting on your lawn. Your reward will come next summer when you have the greenest lawn in the neighborhood.
- Mrs. Ima Enama
15 W. Sore Hinne Rd.
Seapwater Gap, PA - Mrs. Max Stink
1605 Grunt’n’Groan Ave.
Forcet, DE - Mr. Harry Butt
236 Corn Cob Alley
Flushing, NY - Mrs. Lucy Bowells
452 Diahrrea Dr.
Runnytown, PA - Mrs. Tom Tightsqueeze
697 Grunt Ave.
Movement, IL - Mrs. Opal Crapp
2255 Enema Dr.
Clearview, FL - Mr. Howie Fartz
Constipation Blvd.
Squeezethru, NY - Mrs. Smelly Buttz
935 Bed Pan Alley
Emptyit, MD - Mr. Charles Syringe
2 Suppository Lane
Smellytown, OR - Mrs. I. Doitdaily
365 Hopperseat Rd.
Manurepile, MA - Mr. G. Howett Smells
117 Foreign Matters Bl.
Stinkerville, MS - Mrs. Kelly B. Hind
428 Gashouse Rd.
Oily Flats, PA - Mrs. A Biggermovement
53 Rectum Pl.
Rearview, FL - Mrs. B. Poopado
Out House Lane
Scoupditch, PA
P.S. If you are constipated, pass this on to your neighbor… Do not break the chain. One man didn’t give a shit and he lost his
entire lawn.
Fun Things to Do in an Elevator
- Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
- Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
- Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!”
- Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.
- Sell Girl Scout cookies.
- On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
- Shave.
- Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”
- Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside down.
- Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
- When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
- Lean over to another passenger and whisper: “Noogie patrol coming!”
- Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
- One word: Flatulence!
- On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.
- Do Tai Chi exercises.
- Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: “I’ve got new socks on!”
- When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!”
- Give religious tracts to each passenger.
- Meow occasionally.
- Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
- Frown and mutter “gotta go, gotta go” then sigh and say “oops!”
- Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
- Sing “Mary had a little lamb” while continually pushing buttons.
- Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.
- Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.
- Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.
- Burp, and then say “mmmm…tasty!”
- Leave a box between the doors.
- Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
- Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers “through” it.
- Start a singalong.
- When the elevator is silent, look around and ask “Is that your cell phone?”
- Play the harmonica.
- Shadow box.
- Say “Ding!” at each floor.
- Lean against the button panel.
- Say “I wonder what all these do” and push the red buttons.
- Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
- Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”
- Bring a chair along.
- Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: “Wanna see wha in muh mouf?”
- Blow spit bubbles.
- Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
- Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”
- Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
- Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
- Wear “XRay Specs” and leer suggestively at other passengers.
- Stare at your thumb and say “I think it’s getting larger.”
- If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler “Bad touch!”
- Get on a crowded elevator on a reasonably high floor. Without saying a word, press every button, turn to the other passengers, and grin maniacally. Get off *one* floor below the the one you got on, then hurry and take the stairs down so you can meet the elevator on the next floor. When the door opens, flash the same grin and say, “You were talking about me…weren’t you?”
- Another good thing to do in an elevator, is to start talking about the movie SPEED or humming the theme from it. Generally works best in express elevators.
- In a crowded elevator, bring a calculator and add up peoples weights, then inform them politely that they are over capacity.
- Charge addmission.
- Ask if someone will hold your hand.
- Bring a friend and trade shoes, hats, coats etc.
- Pass out gum and see who can blow the biggest bubble.
- Bow to each passenger.
- Have someone tie your sleeves in back of you.
- Gargle.
- Floss, and then offer your floss to others politely
- Ask if someone has any gum, if they do, give it to the next passenger
- Bring a walkman and sing along to Weird Al.
- Smack your gum.
- Bring a friend and have a belching contest.
- Ball room dance if it’s a big elevator.
- Read the dictionary.
- Collect tips.
How to Handle Stress
- Jam 39 miniature marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
- Find out what a frog in the blender really looks like.
- Forget the diet center and send yourself a candy gram.
- Dance naked in front of your pets.
- Tattoo “OUT TO LUNCH” on your forehead.
- Buy a subscription to Sleazoid Weekly and send it to your bosses wife.
- Relaxing by mentally reflecting on your favorite episode of the “Flintstones” during an important finance meeting.
- Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
- Refresh yourself; put your tongue on a cold steel guardrail.
- Tell your boss to blow it out his mule, and let him figure it out.
- Polish your car with earwax.
- Bill your doctor for the time spent in his waiting room.
- Lie on your back; eat celery, using your navel as a salt dipper.
- Make a tape recording of a lion roaring and play it while frolicking with your kitten in front of the neighbors.
- Ask your neighbor if anything got broken in last night’s earth quake.
- Ride up the escalator facing backwards.
- Write a letter to the editor condemning scientists for trying to wipe out whole species like the AIDs virus.
- Phone the minister of finance and demand a tax increase.
- Send a letter of resignation from your boss to your boss’ boss.
- Write your boss’ resume and submit it to various headhunters.
- Phone your dentist and tell him you’ve changed your mind, you want that wisdom tooth back.
- Tell your husband/wife he/she was adopted. <duh, huh?>
- Phone the university and report that you are an extraterrestrial and would they volunteer to return to your home planet.
- Phone any government agency and ask them “So just what is it you people do all day anyway?”
Cheer Up!
- The parachute company says you’ll get a full refund.
- They say the house didn’t float very far at all.
- We’re all amazed that you go on living each day.
- Well, at least the operation was a partial success.
- The “National Enquirer” just loved those nude shots of you.
- The insects hardly touched your other eyebrow.
- With the lights dimmed, it looks almost normal.
- The District Attorney says he only has a few more questions.
- At least the passenger side air bag inflated.
- Jerry Springer wants you for this “secret admirer show.”
- The reward for your capture has reached fifty thousand dollars.
- At least we never thought you were guilty like that Jury did.
- The insurance pays the full book value ($312) for your 1956 T Bird.
- The thieves left the push lawn mower and hedge trimmers.
- Those Grand Juries always over-react. Don’t worry about it.
- Lots of guys face multiple paternity suits.
- The boss said while you’re sick, he’d do all your work personally.
- MicroSoft Tech Support said those errors just aren’t possible.
How to Annoy Someone in the Bathroom
- Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, “May I borrow a highlighter?”
- Say, “Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t have put my lips on that.”
- Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
- Say, “Damn, this water’s cold.”
- Drop a marble and say, “Oh shit! My glass eye!”
- Say, “Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.”
- Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
- Say, “Now how did that get there?”
- Say, “Humus. Reminds me of humus.”
- Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, “Whoa! Easy boy!”
- Say, “Interesting… more floaters than sinkers.”
- Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, “Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?”
- Say, “C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me.”
- Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.
- Say, “Boy, that sure looks like a maggot.”
- Say, “Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?”
- Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
- Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your “Cross-Dressers Anonymous” newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
- Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, “Peek-a-boo!”
- Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing “Born Free”.
It Really Happened
- The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.
- A U of M psychology student rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.
- In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. By the time he had come down, eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
- A woman in Illinois came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. A shame as he had merely been listening to his iPod.
- Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
- Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with “return to sender” stamped on it. You’ve guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to his face.
- Trying to keep warm in freezing weather, a 50 year old Cypriot huddled over his paraffin heater. Accidentally overturning it, he set himself on fire, screaming in pain as his clothes were engulfed he ran out of his abode and jumped into a nearby reservoir, where he sunk like a stone and drowned.
- A rapturous welcome awaited Antonio Gomez Bohorquez and Pascual Fuertes Noguera when they returned home to Murcia in southern Spain after pioneering a new route up Mount Sisha Pagma in the Himalayas. On studying specialist publications, however, they had to sheepishly admit that they had, in fact, climbed the wrong mountain.
- In Cebu city, Philippines, Enrique Quinanola made a determined effort to kill himself. Quinanola, 21 and unemployed, attempted to hang himself, but relatives cut the rope and took him to hospital. While doctors prepared a sedative, he slipped away and ran to a nearby restaurant where he grabbed a knife and slashed his wrists. Police saw the incident and tried to subdue Quinanola, but he put up a terrific struggle, so the officers shot him, first in his leg, then in the chest. He died a few minutes later. His relatives sued the government for violating his civil liberties.
- An armed robber, jailed for eight years in Argentina, decided to hire a private detective to trace the father he never met. The detective discovered the man’s father was the warder of the prison in which he was incarcerated.
- Markku Tahvainen drove his family 250 miles to a zoo in Finland in order to see the bears. Whe they returned home, though, they discovered footprints and droppings in their garden which revealed that in their absence they had been visited by a bear which had eaten their ducks.
- Martin Reeves travelled 8,000 miles to India to find parts for his 1957 Morris Cowley. His mission was succesful, but when he got back to Brighton, England, he found the car had been stolen.
- Athlete John Oliver, 31, went all the way from Bournemouth, Dorset, England, to Nepal – a journey of over 5,000 miles – to take part in his first marathon, only to sprain his ankle on the starting line.
- In Mumbles, Swansea, England, Robin Branhall got tired of vandals who had broken the window of this surfing shop more than 20 times, so he fitted an unbreakable one. Arriving at his shop next day, he found the entire window had been stolen.
- A Dutchman who invested more than $1,000 in a police trained guard dog to protect his house in Schalkhar woke up two days later to find the house had been broken into. The only thing the burglars had taken was the dog.