- Good News: The Women’s Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.
- Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.
- Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do.
Bad News: The choir mutinied.
- Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.
- Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.
- Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit.
Bad News: It’s in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to “decorate” your house.
- The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.
- A U of M psychology student rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.
- In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. By the time he had come down, eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
- A woman in Illinois came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. A shame as he had merely been listening to his iPod.
- Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
- Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with “return to sender” stamped on it. You’ve guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to his face.
- Trying to keep warm in freezing weather, a 50 year old Cypriot huddled over his paraffin heater. Accidentally overturning it, he set himself on fire, screaming in pain as his clothes were engulfed he ran out of his abode and jumped into a nearby reservoir, where he sunk like a stone and drowned.
- A rapturous welcome awaited Antonio Gomez Bohorquez and Pascual Fuertes Noguera when they returned home to Murcia in southern Spain after pioneering a new route up Mount Sisha Pagma in the Himalayas. On studying specialist publications, however, they had to sheepishly admit that they had, in fact, climbed the wrong mountain.
- In Cebu city, Philippines, Enrique Quinanola made a determined effort to kill himself. Quinanola, 21 and unemployed, attempted to hang himself, but relatives cut the rope and took him to hospital. While doctors prepared a sedative, he slipped away and ran to a nearby restaurant where he grabbed a knife and slashed his wrists. Police saw the incident and tried to subdue Quinanola, but he put up a terrific struggle, so the officers shot him, first in his leg, then in the chest. He died a few minutes later. His relatives sued the government for violating his civil liberties.
- An armed robber, jailed for eight years in Argentina, decided to hire a private detective to trace the father he never met. The detective discovered the man’s father was the warder of the prison in which he was incarcerated.
- Markku Tahvainen drove his family 250 miles to a zoo in Finland in order to see the bears. Whe they returned home, though, they discovered footprints and droppings in their garden which revealed that in their absence they had been visited by a bear which had eaten their ducks.
- Martin Reeves travelled 8,000 miles to India to find parts for his 1957 Morris Cowley. His mission was succesful, but when he got back to Brighton, England, he found the car had been stolen.
- Athlete John Oliver, 31, went all the way from Bournemouth, Dorset, England, to Nepal – a journey of over 5,000 miles – to take part in his first marathon, only to sprain his ankle on the starting line.
- In Mumbles, Swansea, England, Robin Branhall got tired of vandals who had broken the window of this surfing shop more than 20 times, so he fitted an unbreakable one. Arriving at his shop next day, he found the entire window had been stolen.
- A Dutchman who invested more than $1,000 in a police trained guard dog to protect his house in Schalkhar woke up two days later to find the house had been broken into. The only thing the burglars had taken was the dog.
- George W. Bush: Goofed at his inauguration by saying, “I’m tired of people treating the presidency like it’s some kind of federal job.” Created international incident when he called the Chinese prime minister Hop Sing. Defeated in 2004 by Democrat Warren Beatty.
- Al Gore: Never did concede election. Went into seclusion in Tennessee, where he attempted to file patents on ATMs, Barbie and instant oatmeal. Wife Tipper eventually had him committed to a sanitarium. He spent final years ordering nurses at Pleasant Days Ahead to bomb Yugoslavia.
- Joe Lieberman: Went back to U.S. Senate and continued campaign against Hollywood smut. Resigned after photos surfaced on the Internet depicting him in compromising positions with Dr. Laura.
- Dick Cheney: Scared children at the 2001 White House Christmas party with his dark portrayal of Santa Claus. Wanted to declare war on Iraq again but nobody would let him. Grabbed his chest and keeled over when his daughter showed up at White House dinner with Ellen DeGeneres. President George W. Bush raised eyebrows at the funeral when he said, “It wasn’t a heart attack, and I fully expect Dick to resume his duties as vice president later this week.”
- Warren Christopher: Distinguished life and career came to an untimely end when he fell asleep in a subway station. Mistaken for dead, he was cremated. Al Gore raised eyebrows at the funeral when he referred to Christopher as “my secretary of state” and credited him with inventing the United Nations. After delivering the eulogy, Gore stunned observers by grabbing wife Tipper for an open-mouth kiss.
- James A. Baker III: As a reward for his loyalty, Baker was allowed to secretly run the country during the term of George W. Bush, a job he also held during the Reagan administration. After leaving politics, Baker became the new voice for Mr. Burns on “The Simpsons.”
- Jeb Bush: Bush loses his reelection bid to Green Party candidate Fidel Castro, blaming the defeat on a butterfly ballot used in Miami-Dade. Later was appointed U.S. attorney general by his big brother. Other department heads ruffled his hair and called him Bobby at Cabinet meetings.
- Bill Clinton: Compromise proposal to remain president the rest of his life rejected. Allegedly pinched Laura Bush at inauguration. Divorced by wife Hillary. Spent final years as a broken man, running Po Boy Billy’s BBQ stand in Arkansas.
- Katherine Harris: Became a partner with Tammy Faye in developing line of beauty-care products called Sensuous Republican. Nominated as best supporting actress for her portrayal of the Borg Queen. Achieved lifelong ambition in 2028 when President Tom Feeney appointed her as ambassador to Chad.
- Chief Justice Charles Wells: Florida Supreme Court jurist left bench to star in WB courtroom show: “Judge Chuck!” Issued landmark ruling in 2005 that said a wife who has a sex-change operation and sleeps with her husband’s sister is not entitled to alimony. Ruling was overturned by U.S. Supreme Court.
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