Bizarre things to say and do to a telephone solicitor to get him to hang up and leave you alone:

• “So, what are you wearing?”
• Talk very quietly and then without warning, scream as loud as you can into the phone.
• “You’ll have to excuse me now, my armpit is on fire.”
• “I’m sorry, but this phone is for personal calls only. The boss won’t let us use it for business.”
• Respond to their questions with fax/modem noises.
• “Have you heard about that study showing that it can cause impotence to sit all day with a telephone receiver next to your head?”
• When they ask to speak with you, say “Just a moment,” and give the phone to your six-year old child to carry on the conversation.
• Pretend to be very interested in their product and then quite calmly and earnestly inquire, “Yes, but can it make a six minute casserole?”
• “I am truly sorry but the moon is in the seventh house of Pluto and my astrologer would just die if he knew I was talking to a salesman during this solar phase.”
• “This isn’t a recording. This isn’t a recording. This isn’t a recording. This isn’t a recording.”

<RRRrrrrinnggg!>

“Hello?”

“Hello! Mr. Michaels?”

“Speaking.”

“How are you today?”

“OK so far…”

“My name is Debbie from Pointless Industries, and I’m calling to offer you a fabulous new offer that we are offering….”

“Who is this really?”

“My name is Debbie from—“

“How did you get this number?”

“Well.. you are on our list of preferred—“

<urgent whisper> “Listen to me, and listen good! You tell Hugo and his goons I lived up to my end of the deal! I cut up the bodies like he said, I ditched the car like he said, now I’m out of it, understand? You tell him he bothers me or my family again and I take everything I know to the Man, and don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about!”

<hang up>