- Talking dirty in bed means shouting obscenities when he hogs the blanket.
- Chivalry’s as dead as the door he lets slam in your face.
- PMS lasts all month.
- Your jumbo box of absorbent maxi-pads is on open display.
- “Honey, what are you thinking?” is now “Are you finished yet?!”
- He yawns when you bitch about that guy hitting on you at work.
- Dildos, S &, menage … anything to break the monotony.
- You used to walk hand in hand, now you run to keep up.
- Those frilly, lacy, tiny panties have become way too uncomfortable.
- Two weeks no orgasm.
- Three weeks no orgasm … and you still don’t miss it.
- When he lends you five bucks, he expects it back.
- You’d rather spend quality time with your vibrator.
- The way he breathes is getting on your nerves.
- You let one rip in your sleep and don’t care if he hears.
Hobosexuality
The judge asked the woman why she wanted a divorce: there was no sign that the husband was cruel, or wandering, or any of the usual things that lead to this situation.
The woman replied that she was seeking the divorce on grounds of hobosexuality.
The judge, trying to stifle his laughter, asked, “Don’t you mean homosexuality?”
“No!” she replied, “I mean hobosexuality… he’s a bum lay!”
He Shall Overcome
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appeared to be in deep thought and very sad. He was just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. “What’s the matter, dear?” she whispered as she stepped into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night?”
The husband looked up from his coffee. “Do you remember 20 years ago when we
were dating, and you were only 16?” he asked.
“Yes, I do” she replied.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?”
“Yes, I remember” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.. “Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I’ll send you to jail for 20 years?”
“I remember that too” she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, “I would have gotten out today.”
Henpecked Husbands
- He wears the pants in the house – under his apron.
- He has two chances of winning an argument with her, slim and none.
- She leads a double life – hers and his.
- He comes right out and says what she tells him to think.
- She does not have to raise the roof; all she has to do is raise an eyebrow.
- He always has the last word – he says, “I apologize.”
- He was a man about town, she has turned him into a mouse around the house.
- The last big decision she let him make was whether to wash or to dry.
- He put a ring on her finger and she put one through his nose.
- He was a dude before marriage – now he is subdued.
- He married her for her looks, but not the kind he’s getting now.
- She lost her thumb in an accident and sued for $100,000, because it was the thumb she had him under.
- She even complains about the noise he makes, when he is fixing his own breakfast.
- He goes to a woman dentist – it’s a relief to be told to open his mouth instead of to shut it.
- Every once in awhile she comes to him on her bent knees. She dares him to come out from under the bed.
Have You Cheated?
Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted. This list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on your spouse or significant other.
- Oral Sex does not count.
- If you can’t remember the person’s name the following day… it doesn’t count…
- If you failed to call the person back to have more sex… doesn’t count…
- If both of you failed to achieve orgasm…it doesn’t count…
- Sex with a friend…it doesn’t count…it’s just another thing you share…
- If the act was so lame, you leave thinking “Did I shave my legs for this”…it doesn’t count…
- An old flame…it doesn’t count…
- An ex-spouse…it doesn’t count, refer to this as a “pity fuck”.
- Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry, not sex…it doesn’t count…
- Cyber-sex – NO WAY – this is glorified masturbation…it doesn’t count…
- 2 heterosexual women having fun, not sex…it doesn’t count…
- Kissing body parts is not cheating…it doesn’t count…
- An act to make a married person feel good about themselves, not sex, BUT only if you do not know their significant other…it doesn’t count…
- An act committed while you were intoxicated…it doesn’t count.
- An act committed with a family member of your significant other…it doesn’t count…this should be referred to as “a skeleton in the family closet”.
- Acts committed in a public place…it doesn’t count…(why should it, it was public right?)
- Phone sex…it doesn’t count…(refer back to “glorified masturbation”)
- In car…it doesn’t count…way too cramped…if vehicle is in motion and has a console or stick shift…this counts…way too kinky and erotic not to count, unless the act was totally oral, then refer back to rule 1…
- An act committed in which the female of the encounter did not achieve total satisfaction (orgasm)…it doesn’t count.
- An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not been exchanged (pull’n pray method of birth control)…it doesn’t count…
- An act in which no kissing takes place…it doesn’t count… (not considered to be intimate)
- An act in which “you do all the work”…it doesn’t count.
- An act committed with your next door neighbor…it doesn’t count, this should be referred to as “being neighborly”.
- An act committed with an acquaintance because you are angry with your significant other…it doesn’t count.
- An act which only happens on a random basis…it doesn’t count, this should be considered ” getting aquatinted “…
- An act with a US President…it doesn’t count, unless the Senate votes impeachment…
- An act with your boss…it doesn’t count, just considered career enhancement; and/or additional employee benefits.
Harleys
Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, “Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hangout with anyone you want in Heaven.”
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, “I want to hangout with God.”
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, “Hey, aren’t you the inventor of woman?”
God said, “Ah, yes.”
“Well,” said Arthur, “professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.
- There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
- It chatters constantly at high speeds.
- Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
- The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. And finally,
- The maintenance costs are outrageous.
“Hmmmm, you may have some good points there,” replied God, “hold on.” God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
“Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,” God said to Arthur, “but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.”
Reasons Why Handguns are Better than Women
- You can buy a silencer for a handgun.
- You can trade a .44 for two .22’s.
- You can have a handgun at home and another for the road.
- If you admire a friend’s handgun and tell him so, he will be impressed and let you try a few rounds with it.
- Your primary handgun doesn’t mind if you have a backup.
- Your handgun will stay with you even if you are out of ammo.
- A handgun doesn’t take up a lot of closet space.
- Handguns function normally every day of the month.
- A handgun won’t ask, “Do these grips make me look fat?”
- A handgun does not mind if you go to sleep after you’re done using it.
- You can have more than one handgun living in the same house without having problems.
- A handgun doesn’t care how big your trigger finger is.
- A handgun won’t tell all of its friends if you are a “little fast on the trigger”…
A Half Mile
Scientists have determined that the average time of intercourse lasts 4 minutes. The average number of strokes is 9 per minute, making the average intercourse 36 strokes. Since the average length of a penis is 6 inches the average girl receives 216 inches or 18 feet per intercourse. The average woman does it about three times a week, 52 weeks annually. 156 x 18 feet makes 2808 feet or just over a half of a mile.
So, lady, if you are not getting YOUR half mile every year, why not let the man who sent you this joke help you catch up?
Reasons Why Guitars are Better Than Women
- A guitar has a volume knob
- If you break a guitar’s G-string, it only costs $. 79 for a new one
- You can make a guitar scream as loud as you want it to
- You can unplug a guitar
- You can finger a guitar for hours without it complaining it wants more
- Other people can play your guitar without it getting upset
- You can finger a guitar in public and get applause, not arrested
- You can have a guitar any color you want and no one will care
- You can make your guitar as tight as you want it just by turning a peg.
- If your guitar doesn’t make sounds you like, you can retune it
- You can use four fingers at a time on a guitar
- If your guitar strings are too heavy, you can just get a lighter set
- You can have a guitar professionally adjusted to *your* liking
- If you scratch a guitar’s back, it’s unintentional, not required
- You can go to a guitar shop and play all the guitars you want for free
- It’s good to have a guitar that’s stretched out.
- You can take lessons on how to play a guitar without feeling embarrassed
- You can rent a guitar without worrying about who rented it before you.
- You can play the guitar with your bare fingers and no protective covering.
- You can get rich playing a guitar, not broke.
- A guitar doesn’t take half of everything you own when you sell it.
Grounds for Divorce
“Well, Mrs. O’Connor, so you want a divorce?” the solicitor questioned his client. “Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?”
“Oh, no,” replied Mrs. O’Connor. “Sure now, we have a carport.”
The solicitor tried again. “Well, does the man beat you up?”
“No, no,” said Mrs. O’Connor, looking puzzled. “I’m always first out of bed.”
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. “Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?”
“Sure now, he plays the flute, but I don’t think he knows anything about the connubial.”
Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. “What I’m trying to find out are what grounds you have.”
“Bless ye, sir. We live in a flat – not even a window box, let alone grounds.”
“Mrs. O’Connor,” the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, “you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?”
“Ah, well now,” said the lady, “Sure it’s because the man can’t hold an intelligent conversation.”