- We got off the Titanic first.
- We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
- We’ve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
- Taxis stop for us.
- We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
- No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
- We don’t have to fart to amuse ourselves.
- If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
- We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.
- We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
- We have the ability to dress ourselves.
- We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
- There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
- We’ll never regret piercing our ears.
- We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
Why It’s Great to be a Guy
- Phone conversations last 30 seconds.
- You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes.
- A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- Bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
- You can open all your own jars.
- Old friends don’t care if you’ve lost or gained weight.
- When clicking through the channels you don’t have to stop on every shot of someone crying.
- You don’t have to lug a bag of “necessary” items with you everywhere you go.
- You can go to the bathroom alone.
- Your last name stays put.
- You can leave a hotel room bed unmade.
- You can kill your own food.
- The garage is all yours.
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- You see the humor in “Terms of Endearment.”
- Cleaning the toilet is optional.
- You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend.
- Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3.
- None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
- You don’t have to shave below your neck.
- You don’t have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night.
- If you’re 34 and single, no one notices.
- Chocolate is just another snack.
- You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
- Flowers and/or Duct Tape fix everything.
- You never have to worry about other’s feelings.
- Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
- You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
- You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
- You don’t care if someone doesn’t notice your new haircut.
- You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking, “He must be mad at me.”
- One mood, all the time.
- You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him.
- Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
- Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental $100 bucks.
- You don’t care if someone is talking behind your back.
- You don’t pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else’s.
- The remote is yours and yours alone.
- You need not pretend you’re “freshening up” when you go to the bathroom.
- If you don’t call your buddy when you said you would, he won’t tell your friends you’ve changed.
- If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
- The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
- If something mechanical didn’t work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
- New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
- You think the idea of punting that small, ankle-biting dog is funny.
- If you retain water, it is in a canteen.
Dear Tech Support
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this was included with the product information.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5 and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the Uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
Signed,
A Troubled User
Dear Troubled User,
This is a very common problem. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that it is merely an Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run everything! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating system files cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than in the original system. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under “Warnings: Maintenance/Child Support”.
I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0. I suggest installing the background application program Yes_Dear to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I also suggest that you read the entire section regarding “General Partnership Faults (GPFs)”.
You must assume all responsibility for any faults and problems that occur, regardless of their cause. You will also find that GPFs tend to be somewhat cyclical, occurring approximately 28 days apart. The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE. Avoid excessive use of C:YES_DEAR because ultimately you will have to use the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Remember, the system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but tends to require very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs such as Clean_and_Sweep 3.0, Cook_It 1.5 (which replaces Burn_It 1.0) and Do_Bills 4.2. You must however be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag_Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 should this happen.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
The Eight Qualities Of A Perfect Husband
Brave
Intelligent
Gentle
Polite
Energetic
Nutty
Industrious
Sensitive
And if all else fails, well … read the CAPITAL LETTERS only
Good Girls, Bad Girls
- Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons - Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line - Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better - Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don’t wear any - Good girls think they’re not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they’re fully dressed with just a strand of pearls - Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms - Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it - Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed - Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place - Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do to, but only for starters - Good girls say no
Bad girls say when? - Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.
Good, Bad, and Ugly
- Good: Your wife is pregnant
Bad: It’s triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy 5 years ago - Good: Your wife is not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She is a lawyer - Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you - Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: Your’re in them - Good: Your Hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can’t find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them - Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He’s a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better then you - Good: You give the “Birds & Bees” talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With Corrections - Good:The Postman’s early
Bad: He’s wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas - Good: Your son is dating someone new
Bad: It’s another man
Ugly: He’s your best friend - Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you
Golden Anniversary
While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a Ft. Worth cafe, four elderly Texas ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the “good old days.”
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, “Roy, aren’t you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?”
“Yup, we sure are,” Roy replied.
“Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?” another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, “For our 25th anniversary, I took the misses to San Antonio. For our 50th, I’m thinking ’bout going down there again to pick her up.”
A Mixed-Up Pair of Gloves
A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart and after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart’s sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up, the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and sent it to her with this note:
Dearest Darling,
This is a little gift to show you just how much I love you. I chose these because I noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons up front, but she wears the short ones that are very easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the sales girl I bought these from showed me a pair she has been wearing for over three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try them on for me and she really looked smart in them. I wish I could put them on you for the first time but no doubt other men’s hands will come in contact with them before I have a opportunity to see you again. When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little wet from wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope you will like them and wear them for me on Friday night.
All My Love,
P.S. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the next year. Also, the latest style is to wear them folded down with the fur showing.
I’m Glad I’m A Woman
I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don’t live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections
I won’t drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don’t get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
I won’t grab your hooters, I won’t pinch your butt
my belt buckle’s not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don’t go around “readjusting” my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don’t belch in public, I don’t scratch my behind
I’m a woman you see — I’m just not that kind!
I’m glad I’m a woman, I’m so glad I could sing
I don’t have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn’t grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can’t see 3 inches of crack
And what’s on my head doesn’t leave with my comb
I’ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I’m a woman, you know — I’ve got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don’t live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don’t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won’t tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I’m glad I’m a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don’t long for male bonding, I don’t cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I’m a woman by chance and I’m thankful it’s true
I’m so glad I’m a woman and not a man like you!
Man, I’m Glad I’m a Man, Man!
Everyday I give thanks to God
I was born a man instead of a broad
When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV
I don’t shave my legs, I stand up to pee
I go to a barber, not a beauty salon
Don’t pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on
Don’t wax my pubes so I can wear shorts
I use my turn signal, I understand sports
Man, I’m glad I’m a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don’t go through a faze every 28 days
Man, I’m glad I’m a man
Don’t take a lot of friends when I go the the john
I don’t throw a fit when I break a nail
I don’t buy a lot of shoes just because they’re on sale
I don’t apply makeup in my rear-view mirror
I don’t think of Bambi when I’m out hunting deer
I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass
I don’t ask my friends about the size of my ass
Man, I’m glad I’m a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don’t face the pain of water-weight gain
Man, I’m glad I’m a man
Let me tell you ladies
Listen to me ladies
I love those things inside of your blouse
I love your pretty faces
Your warm and soft embraces
But if I had my own two boobs, I’d never leave the house
I don’t spend two hours getting ready for a date
I don’t play with dolls unless they inflate
When someone asks me my age, I never lie
After sex in bed, my spot’s always dry
I don’t read about orgasms in Vogue magazines
I don’t mind if my dates try to get in my jeans
I don’t spend a fortune on French lingerie
This is the same underwear I wore yesterday
Man, I’m glad I’m a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don’t take a pill, I don’t use Massengill
Man, I’m glad I’m a man
Man, I’m glad I’m a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin’
Man, I’m glad I’m a man.