Computer Technical Terms

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  • State-of-the-Art
    Any computer you can’t afford.

  • Obsolete
    Any computer you own.

  • Microsecond
    The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

  • Syntax Error
    Walking into a computer store and saying… ‘Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.’

  • Hard Drive
    The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a Syntax Error.

  • GUI
    What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced ‘gooey’)

  • Keyboard
    The standard way to generate computer errors.

  • Mouse
    An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

  • Floppy
    The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

  • Portable Computer
    A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

  • Disk Crash
    A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

  • Power User
    Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

  • System Update
    A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

  • 486
    The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

    • Glossary of Computer Terms

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    • 640K barrier — the finish line in a mega-marathon
    • access time — foreplay
    • analog — what Ana tosses into the fire
    • assembly language — put tab A into slot B, then put tab C…
    • audit trail — what the IRS does
    • Bandwidth — limited by the size of the stage
    • BBS — going in reverse in a golf cart
    • benchmark — t-telling t-tall s-stories 
    • Battery Backup — what happens when your saw hits the bench
    • broadband — an all female rock group
    • cache memory — remembering how much you spent
    • carrier detect — “I see the mail man!”
    • CASE — 24 bottles
    • Control Character — prison guard
    • conventional memory — remembering what you did at COMDEX
    • copy protection — wearing a rubber
    • copyright — vs. copy wrong
    • cursor — a garbage mouth
    • daisy chain — a dog’s leash
    • DAT — the opposite of DIS
    • deadly embrace — making love to King Kong
    • delimiter — some who says, “Stop, that’s enough”
    • density — how to measure IQs of blondes
    • dhrystones — the stones that were tossed out of the water
    • DIP switch — how my sister gets a new boy friend
    • dot pitch — “Dorothy winds ups, and delivers a knuckle ball”
    • EDCDIC — similar to herpes
    • EMS — happens just before PMS
    • end user — a prisoner’s cell mate
    • escape sequence — Distract guard. Dig tunnel. Cut through fence…
    • Ethernet — used to catch Ether
    • fixed disk — a broken disk that comes back from the shop
    • flash EPROM — what they have on 90210 (Flashy Proms)
    • flat bed scanner — a hooker looking for loose change
    • flat file — a file with all the air out of it
    • full duplex — a 2-family house with 16 occupants
    • groupware — clothes swapping
    • hacker — a heavy smoker
    • half-height drive — a midget’s sexual capacity
    • hand scanner — singles bar prowler looking for wedding rings
    • heap — what I drive
    • high density diskette — a very stupid floppy
    • home computer — what you tell your computer when it follows you
    • hypertext — text on amphetamines
    • ink jet — a plan used for sky writing

    • integrated circuit —
      a circuit with black & white components

    • joystick — (requires little explanation)
    • local bus — stops at every intersection
    • lost chains — euphoria experienced by the recently divorced
    • low-level language — for basement programmers
    • high-level language — for penthouse programmers
    • machine dependency — an affliction of machine users
    • mag tape — tape used on the wheels of cars
    • mainframe — akin to “main squeeze”
    • main memory — remembering where the water line is
    • math coprocessor — the person you cheated from in math class
    • megaflop — the worst play you ever saw
    • minicomputer — the mate to Mickey’s computer
    • modem — what the gardener did to the lawns
    • multi-sync — can be sunk more than once
    • native mode — head hunting
    • on-line — where the birds sit
    • overlay — chickens making too many eggs
    • pentium — the thing that swings back-and-forth on a clock
    • plotter — a deceitful person
    • postscript — grafitti on a pole
    • protected memory — remembering to wear a condom
    • record locking — what you do to your Beatles White Album
    • right justified — vs. wrong justified
    • software piracy — stealing a ship’s program
    • spreadsheet — a hooker’s foreplay
    • streaming tape — party decorations
    • subroutine — not quite routine
    • surge protector — a condom
    • token ring — a group of people passing the bong
    • trackball — what sprinters and runners often get
    • twisted pair — tubes tied
    • word wrap — black music
    • worksheet — a prostitute’s office
    • Ymodem — because, modem

    Computer Definitions

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    • Alpha
      Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for “doesn’t work.”

    • Beta
      Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it’s released. Beta is Latin for “still doesn’t work.”

    • CPU
      Central Propulsion Unit. The CPU is the computer’s engine. It consists of a hard drive, RAM, interface cards, and a tiny spinning wheel that’s powered by a running rodent – a gerbil if the machine is an old 486 and a ferret if it’s a Pentium.

    • Default Directory
      Black hole. The default directory is where all files that you need disappear to.

    • Error message
      Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program’s shortcomings.

    • File
      A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet – except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.

    • Hardware
      Collective term for any computer related object that can be kicked or battered.

    • Help
      The feature that assists in generating more questions. When the Help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.

    • Input/output
      Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.

    • Interim Release
      A programmer’s feeble attempt at repentance.

    • Memory
      Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.

    • Printer
      A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray, and the blinking red light.

    • Programmers
      Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create “user-friendly” software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.

    • RAM
      Fuzzy creature with horns that likes to eat. The rodent is NOT a fitness buff. It’s running to get away from the bytes of the RAM.

    • Reference Manual
      Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.

    • Scheduled Release Date
      A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting 6 months from it.

    • User-friendly
      Of or pertaining to any feature, device, or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.

    • Users
      Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users are divided into three types – novice, intermediate, and expert.

    • Novice users: People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
    • Intermediate users: People who don’t know how to fix their computer after they’ve just pressed a key that broke it.
    • Expert users: People who break other people’s computers.

    Chinese Phrases

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    OK, we’re going to have a little language lesson today. Anyone know any interesting Chinese phrases?

    • Ai Bang Mai Ni
      I bumped into a coffee table

    • Ai No Pei
      I got this for free.

    • Ai Wan Tu Bang Yu
      Let’s sleep together.

    • Ar U Wun Tu
      A gay liberation greeting.

    • Chin Tu Fat
      I think you need a facelift.

    • Chow Mai Dong
      Blow me.

    • Dum Gai
      Stupid person.

    • Dum Dum Wa King
      There goes Stupid Man.

    • Dung On Mai Shu
      I stepped in excrement.

    • Fat Ho
      An unattractive woman.

    • Gun Pao Der
      An ancient Chinese invention.

    • Hao Long Wei Ting
      Has your flight been delayed?

    • Hia Dei Kum
      They have arrived.

    • Hu Flung Dung
      Which one of you fertilized the field?

    • Hu Yu Hai Ding?
      Are you harboring a fugitive?

    • Jan Ne Ka Sun
      A former late night talk show host.

    • Kum Hia Nao
      See me A.S.A.P.

    • Lao Ze Sho
      Cavemen.

    • Lao Zi
      Not very good.

    • Lei Lo
      Stay out of sight.

    • Lin Ching
      An illegal execution.

    • Ne Ahn
      A lighting fixture used in advertising signs.

    • No Bai Dam Thing!!
      Your price is too high!!

    • No Pah King
      This is a tow away zone.

    • Shai Gai
      A bashful person.

    • Su Pah
      Great.

    • Sum Ting Wong
      That’s not right.

    • Tai Ne Bae Be
      A premature infant.

    • Tai Ni Po Ni
      Small Horse.

    • Ten Ding Ba
      Serving drinks to people.

    • Wa Shing Ka
      He’s cleaning his automobile.

    • Wai Go Nao?
      Please, stay a while longer.

    • Wai Hang Mi?
      I am not guilty.

    • Wai So Dim?
      It’s very dark in here.

    • Wai Yu Kum Nao
      Our meeting was scheduled for next week.

    • Wai Yu Mun Ching?
      I thought you were on a diet.

    • Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
      Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena?

    • Wai Yu Shao Ting
      There is no reason to raise your voice.

    • Wai Yu So Tan?
      Did you go to the beach?

    • Wan Bum Lung
      A person with tuberculosis.

    • Wel Hung Gai
      Is that a banana in your pocket?

    • Won Hung Low
      Southern Chinese dialect for Wel Hung Gai.

    • Yu So Dum
      You are not very bright.

    • Yu Stin Ki Pu
      Your body odor is offensive.

    Cat’s Computer Dictionary

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    Copyright 2001 Mark Mason
    All Rights Reserved
    http://www.catdiary.com

    • Browser
      What I like to be at 3:00 am when I rearrange all your books on your desk. Where’s a kitty supposed to lay down with all that mess?

    • Wallpaper
      My favorite stuff, mostly in the kitchen and bathroom, I use to exercise my claws on.

    • Defrag
      Coughing up hairballs. Hey, it’s just a little maintenance!

    • Hyperlink
      Fake hot dog filled with my favorite pick-me-up: cat-nip.

    • Server
      My human subject. You can’t call them waitress, or waiter, or slave anymore; it’s not politically correct.

    • Shut Down
      Nap time – my favorite 16 hours of the day.

    • Laptop
      Little ol’ me. Certainly cuter, more useful, valuable, and entertaining. and no batteries are required.

    • Default
      Blame. If something gets broken around the house, don’t look at me! It’s probably that human I have to share my house with, or the dog’s fault!

    • Window
      The best place to watch birds, squirrels, and that weird dog next door eat out of the trash can and chase cars.

    • Home Page
      My papers – newspapers, that is, that I used before graduating to the real kitty litter box. I think they were the “Wanted: DOG” ads.

    This is part of a great collection of great cat stories, told from the cat’s perspective. For more information please visit the website!

    Cat to English Dictionary

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    • Miaow
      Feed me.

    • meeow
      Pet me.

    • mrooww
      I love you.

    • miioo-oo-oo
      I am in love and must meet my betrothed outside beneath the hedge. Don’t wait up.

    • mrow
      I feel like making noise.

    • rrrow-mawww
      Please, the time has come to clean the cat box.

    • rrrow-miawww
      I have remedied the cat box untidiness by shoveling the contents as far out of the box as possible.

    • miaowmiaow
      Play with me.

    • miaowmioaw
      Have you noticed the shortage of available cat toys in this room?

    • mioawmioaw
      Since I can find nothing better to play with, I shall see what happens when I sharpen my claws on this handy piece of furniture.

    • raowwwww
      I think I shall now spend time licking the most private parts of my anatomy.

    • mrowwwww
      (only heard in males) I am now recalling, with sorrow, that some of my private parts did not return with me from that visit to the vet.

    • roww-maww-roww
      I am so glad to see that you have returned home with both arms full of groceries. I will now rub myself against your legs and attempt to trip you as you walk towards the kitchen.

    • mmeww
      I believe I have heard a burglar. If you would like to go and beat him senseless, I shall be happy to keep your spot in the bed warm.

    • gakk-ak-ak
      My digestive passages seem to have formed a hairball. Wherever could this have come from? I shall leave it here upon the carpeting.

    • mow
      Snuggling is a good idea.

    • moww
      Shedding is pretty good, too.

    • mowww!
      I was enjoying snuggling and shedding in the warm clean laundry until you removed me so unkindly.

    • miaow! miaow!
      I have discovered that, although one may be able to wedge one’s body through the gap behind the stove and into that little drawer filled with pots and pans, the reverse path is slightly more difficult to navigate.

    • mraakk!
      Oh, small bird! Please come over here.

    • ssssroww!
      I believe that I have found a squirrel. I shall now act terribly brave.

    • mmmmmmm
      If I sit in the sunshine for another week or so, I think I might be satisfied.

    Bad Marketing Translations

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    • The Dairy Association’s huge success with the campaign “Got Milk?” prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read “Are you lactating?”
    • Coors put its slogan, “Turn It Loose,” into Spanish, where it was read as “Suffer From Diarrhea.

    • Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign:
      “Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.”

    • Clairol introduced the “Mist Stick,” a curling iron, in to Germany only to find out that “mist” is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the “Manure Stick.”
    • When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what’s inside, since many people can’t read.
    • Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious pornographic magazine.
    • An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of “I Saw the Pope” (el Papa), the shirts read “I Saw the Potato” (la papa).
    • Pepsi’s “Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation” translated into “Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave” in Chinese.
    • The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as “Kekoukela”, meaning “Bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed with wax”, depending on the dialect.Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent “kokou kole”, translating into “happiness in the mouth.”
    • Frank Perdue’s chicken slogan, “It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken” was translated into Spanish as “it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate.”
    • When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” The company thought that the word “embarazar” (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: “It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant”
    • When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its “Fly In Leather” campaign literally, which meant “Fly Naked” (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.
    • Ford blundered when marketing the Pinto in Brazil because the term in Brazilian Portuguese means “tiny male genitals”.
    • Ikea products were marketed in Thailand with Swedish names that in the Thai language mean “sex” and “getting to third base”.”
    • KFC made Chinese consumers a bit apprehensive when “finger licking good” was translated as “eat your fingers off”.”
    • Mercedes-Benz entered the Chinese market under the brand name “Bensi,” which means “rush to die”.
    • Nike had to recall thousands of products when a decoration intended to resemble fire on the back of the shoes resembled the Arabic word for Allah.
    • Panasonic launched a Web-ready PC with a Woody Woodpecker theme using the slogan “Touch Woody: The Internet Pecker”.
    • Paxam, an Iranian consumer goods company, markets laundry soap using the Farsi word for “snow,” resulting in packages labeled “Barf Soap”.
    • Puffs marketed its tissues under that brand name in Germany even though “puff” is German slang for a brothel.
    • Vicks introduced its cough drops into the German market without realizing that the German pronunciation of “v” is “f” making “Vicks” slang for sexual intercourse.

    Definitions of a Bachelor

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    • One who avoids Bride-Eyed women.
    • One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit.
    • One who believes in Wine, Women and So-Long.
    • One who believes that one can live as cheaply as two.
    • One who can forget his mistakes.
    • One who can get into bed from either side.
    • One who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked.
    • One who can have a girl on his knee without having her on his hands.
    • One who can leave his socks and wallet lying around the house.
    • One who can tell his symptoms to his Doctor without having his wife interrupt.
    • One who can’t be Spouse-Broken.
    • One who can’t stand the strain of a wife.
    • One who cheated some woman out of a divorce.
    • One who doesn’t have to leave the party when he starts having a good time.
    • One who failed to embrace his opportunities.
    • One who is a free male.
    • One who is allergic to Wedding cakes.
    • One who is Foot-Loose and Family-Free.
    • One who is known as a Dame Dropper.
    • One who is not missing anything in life except a few buttons on his shirt.
    • One who knows all the ankles.
    • One who knows how to hold a woman’s hand so that she doesn’t get a grip on him.
    • One who knows if he has a steady girl on the string he may wind upon a leash.
    • One who knows more about Women than Men.

      • That’s why he is a Bachelor.

    • One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall.
    • One who likes his Girl Friend just the way she is…Single!!!!
    • One who looks, but does not leap.
    • One who never chases a woman he couldn’t outrun.
    • One who never knows whom the next kiss is coming from.
    • One who never makes the same mistake once.
    • One who never met a girl he couldn’t live without.
    • One who never Mrs. Anything.
    • One who never says, “I’ll give you a ring tomorrow!”
    • One who plays the game of love and manages to retain his amateur outstanding.
    • One who prefers ripe tomatoes with little dressing.
    • One who thinks he is a thing of beauty and a boy forever.
    • One who travels fastest in a parked car.
    • One who tries to avoid the issue.
    • One who usually has his hands full trying to loosen a woman’s grip.
    • One who wakes up in the morning with all of the blankets.
    • One who washes only one set of dishes.
    • One who when a girl asks him for a Diamond Ring, he turns Stone-Deaf.
    • One who when he opens the window in his apartment, more dust blows out than in.
    • One who won’t take `Yes’ for an answer.
    • One who would rather change girls than change their names.
    • One who would rather cook his own goose.
    • One who would rather have a woman on his mind than on his neck.
    • One who would rather mend his socks than his ways.

    Arab Dictionary

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    • Akbar khali-kili haftir loftan.
      Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

    • Fekr gabul gardan davat paeh gush divar.
      I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.

    • Shomaeh fekr tamomeh oeh gofteh bande.
      I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.

    • Auto arraregh davateman mano sepaheh-hast.
      It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.

    • Fashal-eh tupehman na degat mano goftam cheeshayeh mohemara jebehkeshvarehman.
      If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.

    • Khrel, jepaneh maneh va jayeii amrikahey.
      I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies traveling as reporters.

    • Balli, balli balli!
      Whatever you say!

    • Maternier ghermez ahlieh, ghorban.
      The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.

    • Tikeh nuneh ba ob khrelleh bezorg va khrube boyast ino begeram.
      The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.

    A Mother’s Dictionary

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    • Amnesia
      A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

    • Bottle
      An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am to do the feeding

    • Defense
      What you’d better have around the yard if you’re going to let de children play outside.

    • Drooling
      How teething babies wash their chins.

    • Dumbwaiter
      One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

    • Family
      The art of spacing your children the proper planning distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

    • Feedback
      The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

    • Full Name
      What you call your child when you’re mad at him.

    • Grandparents
      The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

    • Hearsay
      What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

    • Impregnable
      A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

    • Independent
      How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

    • Look Out!
      What it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it

    • Prenatal
      When your life was still somewhat your own.

    • Prepared
      A contradiction in terms, especially in terms of childbirth

    • Puddle
      A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

    • Show Off
      A child who is more talented than yours.

    • Sterilize
      What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it

    • Storeroom
      The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.

    • Temper Tantrums
      What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

    • Top Bunk
      Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

    • Verbal
      Able to whine in words

    • Weaker Sex
      The kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

    • Whodunit
      None of the kids that live in your house.

    • Whoops
      An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge.”