- If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
- If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
- If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip’s screwdriver?
- If a pig loses it’s voice, is it disgruntled?
- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
- When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
- Why is the man who invest all your money called a broker?
- Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.
- When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
- Why is a person who plays the piano call a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
- Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposite things?
- If horrific mean to make horrible, doesn’t terrific mean to make terrible?
- Why isn’t 11 pronounced onety-one?
- “I am.” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
- Could it be that “I do.” is the longest sentence?
- If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen are defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
- Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as 4’s?
- Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint, you will have to touch it to be sure?
Manure of the Cows
- Capitalism
Let’s sell this cow manure. - Socialism
This cow manure belongs to the Government. - Communism
This cow manure belongs to the People. - Liberalism
Let’s spread this cow manure around. - Conservatism
Keep your hands off my cow manure. - Clintonism
Looks like cow manure. Smells like cow manure. Tastes like cow manure. Glad I didn’t step in it. - Doleism
Bob Dole’s stepped in cow manure and Bob Dole knows what to do with cow manure. Bob Dole in a previous life was cow manure. - Obamaism
There is no such thing as cow manure. - Fascism
Eat cow manure and die. - Utopianism
I love this cow manure. - Positivism
Cow manure doesn’t stink. - Separatism
Keep your cow manure away from my cow manure. - Anarchism
Let the cow manure hit the fan. - Sexism
Clean up this cow manure, honey. - Feminism
I’m not going to take this cow manure anymore. - Environmentalism
Clean this cow manure up. - Corporatism
If we merge our cow manure with your cow manure, we’ll be big shits.
Let’s Have Male and Female Nouns
It has often been suggested that English should have male and female nouns. Here are a few candidates for consideration as useful male and female nouns:
- Swiss Army Knife
Male – because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles. - Kidneys
Female – because they always go to the bathroom in pairs. - Penlight
Male – because it can be turned on very easily, but isn’t very bright. - Tire
Male – because it goes bald and often is over-inflated. - Hot Air Balloon
Male – because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it… and, of course, there’s the hot air part. - Sponges
Female – because they are soft and squeezable and retain water. - Web Page
Female – because it is always getting hit on. - Shoe
Male – because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out. - Copier
Female – because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Also, because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Also, because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed. - Ziploc Bags
Male – because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them. - Subway
Male – because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. - Hourglass
Female – because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom. - Hammer
Male – because it hasn’t evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around and it’s good for killing bugs.
Brown Nose Required
Applications are invited for the position of Departmental Brown Nose.
Position Description:
It is common practice in the computing industry for senior members of staff to have their planning strategies subject to positive evaluation. This is commonly referred to outside the industry as ‘being sucked up to’. This practice is typically performed by a person of low or irrelevant technical standing wishing to distinguish themselves by their presence and input at meetings for which they have a minimal or no understanding. Complimenting and Agreeing with senior staff and their poorly thought-out plans is the typical implementation of this position. The position is typically advertised under a job-pseudonym and regraded without notification by other members of staff, usually at a departmental social function to which the applicant is not invited.
Position Requirements
- Applicants are to be familiar with the following phrases:
- Really? That’s a great idea!
- Oh, I agree wholeheartedly!
- That’s such a good plan, it’s surprising that no-one thought of it before!
- You know, without you this place would fall apart!
- Of course, he’s bound to say that because he’s not as aware of the full ramifications of the problem as we are.
- Is this far enough up?
- Applicants should have relevant experience in:
- Work Avoidance
- Evading Real Issues
- Vocalizing the word “Yes”
- Applicants should NOT possess any of the following:
- Social Skills
- Technical Competence, except in remembering irrelevant facts
- Conscience
- The sense God gave the common doormat
- Applicants MUST possess the following:
- A “gushy” affirmative manner
- The “Chameleon Factor” — the ability to assume the characteristics and mannerisms of senior staff
- An immunity to RSI of the jaw and ear (due to the large amount of talking and listening in place of working and producing)
- A diehard loyal attitude which cannot be swayed, except by other senior staff, absence of senior staff, public opinion, office-bribery, an unfavorable comment at the office party, an invite to the office party or invite to clean up after an office party.
- Exceptionally high morals which will not be swayed except by public opinion, office-bribery, senior staff, office party comments & invites or the possibility of getting their photo or name in some technical journal.
Homing skills allowing the applicant to orbit senior staff and thereby avoid the unlikely event of having to produce work output.
- A working knowledge of Anal Interfacing would be beneficial.
Position Future
The future of the position is similar in an least one respect to the senior staff member reported to, in that it is ‘open-ended’. It is dependent entirely upon performance, but a successful applicant might expect salary increases for no appreciable performance improvement, several extra important-sounding position titles, and business cards to reflect the multitude of managerial positions that they will assume.
The salary scale is expected to be within the range of ludicrously-overpaid to how-do-they-get-away-with-this?
Applications should be made on the toilet paper assigned and be accompanied by the applicants CV (which should detail only the applicants name and address) and a 2 page essay on why this advertisement was exceptionally well written and how we appoint such exceptional personel officers.
Copyright (c) Simon Travaglia
Things Not to Say or Do at a Job Interview
- See photo of interviewer’s family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably.
- Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; ‘Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.’
- Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: ‘The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don’t ya’ think?’
- After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, ‘Of course I was totally hammered at the time.’
- Inquire on office policy of friends staying over.
- Claim you wouldn’t even need a sit-in’ job if Al Einstein hadn’t stolen your secret patent for- ‘2000 Flushes’
- Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier.
- Ask if it’s O.K. that you sit on the floor.
- Allow that you would little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job.
- Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you’re not leaving.
- Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn’t feel like making anything else up.
- Ask a secretary if she’ll sit on your lap during interview.
- Walk into interviewer’s office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; ‘NOW we can begin.’
- When making small talk and the Simpson trial comes up, shout, “You mean Homer and Marge are in some kind of trouble?”, and run out of the room.
- Sniff two of your fingers, hold out toward interviewer, and ask; ‘Smell these, these smell funny to you???’
- Upon walking in to the office for first time ask reception to hold all your calls.
The Worst Excuses for Being Late for Work
- “Actually, I’ve been here for over 20 minutes, big guy — I was just out chillin’ in the van waiting for the end of the live version of ‘Freebird’.”
- “I keep forgetting which side of the International Date Line you’re on.”
- “We’re *open* on Tuesdays?!?”
- “It took this long to get the ol’ blood alcohol level down to the legal driving limit.”
- “I had to take extra time this morning to wrestle with overwhelming aggressive impulses by reassuring myself that nothing would happen today that would push me over the edge.”
- “My proctologist got stuck.”
- “It was Senator Kennedy’s turn to drive today, so I’ve spent the last hour swimming.”
- “I’m late because I was on the phone trying to get *your* lousy shipping department to send the company’s office supplies directly to the winner of my eBay auction.”
- “Hey, time becomes meaningless when you’re as strung out on crystal meth as I am.”
- “Sorry, Sir. I overslept and dreamt I had a dead-end job, a windowless office and a humorless baboon for a boss.”
- “Heidi Klum refused to untie me.”
- “On the second Tuesday of the month, the Campho-Phenique man comes by to fill the drum for my home supply of industrial-strength anti-canker sore gel.”
- “I’m sorry, boss, but I had to stop to get you — uh — this box of ten donuts.”
- “It took me a little longer than normal to hide my disdain this morning… Sir.”
- “My dog ate my presentation, sir. And by ‘my dog’ I mean your wife, and by ‘ate my presentation’ I mean ‘was boinking me’.”
- “These are not the ‘droids you’re looking for.”
New Security Measures for Los Alamos
To: All Staff, Los Alamos National Laboratory
From: Bill Richardson, Secretary of Energy
Dear Staff Members:
Due to an unfortunate overreaction by the Republican Congress to our minor difficulties in the security area, we’re being forced to tighten up just a bit.
Effective Monday:
- The brown paper bag in which we store the computer disk drives that contain the nation’s nuclear secrets will no longer be left on the picnic table at the staff commissary during lunch hour. It will be stored in “the vault.” I know this is an inconvenience to many of you, but it’s a sad sign of the times.
- The three-letter security code for accessing “the vault” will no longer be “B-O-B.” To confuse would-be spies, that security code will be reversed. Please don’t tell anybody.
- Visiting scientists and graduate students from Libya, North Korea and mainland China will no longer be allowed to wander the hallways without proper identification. Beginning Monday, they will be required to wear a stick-on lapel tag that clearly states, “Hello, My Name Is . . . .”The stickers will be available at the front desk.
- The computer network used for scientific calculations will no longer be hyper linked via the Internet to such Web sites as www.moammar.com, www.swedechicks.com, or www.hackers-r-us.com. Links to all Disney sites will be maintained, however.
- Researchers bearing a security clearance of Level 5 and higher will no longer be permitted to exchange updates on their work by posting advanced-physics formulas on the men’s room walls.
- On “Bowling Night,” please check your briefcases and laptop computers at the front counter of the Bowl-a-Drome instead of leaving them in the cloakroom. Mr. Badonov, the front-counter supervisor, has promised to “keep un eye on zem” for us.
- Staff members will no longer be allowed to take home small amounts of plutonium, iridium or uranium for use in those “little weekend projects around the house.” That includes you parents who are helping the kids with their science fair projects.
- Thermonuclear devices may no longer be checked out for “recreational use.” We’ve not yet decided if exceptions will be made for Halloween, the Fourth of July or New Year’s Eve. We’ll keep you posted.
- Employees may no longer “borrow” the AA batteries from the burglar alarm system to power their Game Boys and compact-disc players during working hours.
- And, finally, when reporting for work each day, all employees must enter through the front door. Raoul, the janitor, will no longer admit employees who tap three times on the side door to avoid clocking in late. I know this crackdown might seem punitive and oppressive to many of you, but it is our sworn duty to protect the valuable national secrets that have been entrusted to our care.
Remember: Security isn’t a part-time job-it’s an imperative, all 37 1/2 hours of the week!
Sincerely,
Bill
Life’s Lessons
- Money doesn’t bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.
- Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.
- Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
- Misers aren’t much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
- Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life.
- Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
- The real reason you can’t take it with you is that it goes before you do.
- A person who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.
- Money isn’t everything….there’s credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.
- Some people are like blisters. They don’t show up until the work is done.
- A true friend is one that lets his grass grow as tall as his neighbor’s.
- A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
- If you don’t know where you’re going, you’re never lost.
- Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
- You are Worthy.
- Do not undermine your worth by comparing yourself to others. It is because we are different that each of us is special.
- To not set your goals by what other people deem important. Only you know what is best for you.
- Do not take for granted the things closest to your heart. Cling to them as you would your life, for without them, life is meaningless.
- Do not let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past nor for the future.
- By living your life one day at a time, you live all the days of your life.
- Do not give up when you still have something to give.
- Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
- It is a fragile thread that binds us to each other. Do not be afraid to encounter risks.
- It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.
- Do not shut love out of your life by saying it is impossible to find.
- The quickest way to receive love is to give love;
- The fastest way to lose love is too hold it too tightly;
- In addition, the best way to keep love is to give it wings.
- Do not dismiss your dreams. To be without dreams is to be without hope; To be without hope is to be without purpose.
- Do not run through life so fast that you forget not only where you have been, but also where you are going. Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way.
Life as an American…
- A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t cross the street to vote in a national election.
- We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car that will take 5 years to pay off.
- We demand speed laws that will stop fast driving. And then we won’t buy a car if it can’t go over 100 miles an hour.
- We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues. But we mumble through half the words in the “Star Spangled Banner”.
- We’ll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.
- We tie up our dogs while letting our sixteen year old kids run wild.
Real Questions Asked of Librarians
- “Do you have books here?”
- “Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?”
- “Do you have a list of all the books I’ve ever read?”
- “I’m looking for Robert James Waller’s book, ‘Waltzing through Grand Rapids’.” (Actual title wanted: “Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend”)
- “Do you have that book by Rushdie: ‘Satanic Nurses’?” (Actual title: “Satanic Verses”)
- “Where is the reference desk?” This was asked of a person sitting at a desk who had, hanging above her head, a sign saying “REFERENCE DESK”!
- “I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?”
- “Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hairdryer?”
- “Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?”
- “Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?”
- “I need a color photograph of George Washington [Christopher Columbus, King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, etc.]”
- “I need a photocopy of Booker T. Washington’s birth certificate.”
- “I need to find out Ibid’s first name for my bibliography.”
- “Why don’t you have any books by Ibid? He’s written a lot of important stuff.”
- “I’m looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I’m having trouble with it in my neck.”
- “Is the basement upstairs?” (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk)
- “I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months.”