Applications are invited for the position of Departmental Brown Nose.
It is common practice in the computing industry for senior members of staff to have their planning strategies subject to positive evaluation. This is commonly referred to outside the industry as ‘being sucked up to’. This practice is typically performed by a person of low or irrelevant technical standing wishing to distinguish themselves by their presence and input at meetings for which they have a minimal or no understanding. Complimenting and Agreeing with senior staff and their poorly thought-out plans is the typical implementation of this position. The position is typically advertised under a job-pseudonym and regraded without notification by other members of staff, usually at a departmental social function to which the applicant is not invited.
- Applicants are to be familiar with the following phrases:
- Really? That’s a great idea!
- Oh, I agree wholeheartedly!
- That’s such a good plan, it’s surprising that no-one thought of it before!
- You know, without you this place would fall apart!
- Of course, he’s bound to say that because he’s not as aware of the full ramifications of the problem as we are.
- Is this far enough up?
- Applicants should have relevant experience in:
- Work Avoidance
- Evading Real Issues
- Vocalizing the word “Yes”
- Applicants should NOT possess any of the following:
- Social Skills
- Technical Competence, except in remembering irrelevant facts
- The sense God gave the common doormat
- Applicants MUST possess the following:
- A “gushy” affirmative manner
- The “Chameleon Factor” — the ability to assume the characteristics and mannerisms of senior staff
- An immunity to RSI of the jaw and ear (due to the large amount of talking and listening in place of working and producing)
- A diehard loyal attitude which cannot be swayed, except by other senior staff, absence of senior staff, public opinion, office-bribery, an unfavorable comment at the office party, an invite to the office party or invite to clean up after an office party.
- Exceptionally high morals which will not be swayed except by public opinion, office-bribery, senior staff, office party comments & invites or the possibility of getting their photo or name in some technical journal.
Homing skills allowing the applicant to orbit senior staff and thereby avoid the unlikely event of having to produce work output.
- A working knowledge of Anal Interfacing would be beneficial.
The future of the position is similar in an least one respect to the senior staff member reported to, in that it is ‘open-ended’. It is dependent entirely upon performance, but a successful applicant might expect salary increases for no appreciable performance improvement, several extra important-sounding position titles, and business cards to reflect the multitude of managerial positions that they will assume.
The salary scale is expected to be within the range of ludicrously-overpaid to how-do-they-get-away-with-this?
Applications should be made on the toilet paper assigned and be accompanied by the applicants CV (which should detail only the applicants name and address) and a 2 page essay on why this advertisement was exceptionally well written and how we appoint such exceptional personel officers.
Copyright (c) Simon Travaglia