Category Archives: Word Play

Still More Bumper Stickers

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  • Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
  • Support Cannibalism-EAT ME!
  • God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
  • I don’t have a license to kill. I have a learner’s permit.
  • I wasn’t born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
  • Taxation WITH representation ain’t so fucking hot, either!
  • Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
  • 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it’s an amusement park.
  • EARTH FIRST! We’ll stripmine the other planets later.
  • Your child may be an honor student but you’re still an idiot.
  • If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
  • Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
  • My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her …or something like that.
  • Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
  • If we are what we eat; I’m cheap, fast, and easy.
  • Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!

Actual Bumper Stickers

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  • Horn broken.
  • Watch for finger.
  • Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot.
  • All generalizations are false.
  • Cover me. I’m changing lanes.
  • I brake for no apparent reason.
  • Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control.
  • I’m not as think as you drunk I am.
  • Forget about World Peace…Visualize using your turn signal.
  • We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
  • He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  • Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
  • It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
  • Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
  • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  • Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
  • I love cats…they taste just like chicken.
  • Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  • Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
  • Born free…Taxed to death.
  • The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
  • Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
  • Rehab is for quitters.
  • I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
  • Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
  • All men are idiots, and I married their King.
  • Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
  • Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
  • Montana — At least our cows are sane!
  • I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
  • Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
  • If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.
  • When you do a good deed, get a receipt–in case heaven is like the IRS.
  • Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.
  • No radio – Already stolen.
  • Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
  • Real women don’t have hot flashes, they have power surges.
  • I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
  • Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
  • OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
  • Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
  • I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
  • Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
  • Tell me to ‘stuff it’ – I’m a taxidermist.
  • IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
  • Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
  • It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
  • According to my calculations, the problem doesn’t exist.
  • Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
  • Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
  • A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
  • Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
  • How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
  • Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
  • Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
  • We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
  • Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
  • Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
  • Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
  • Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
  • Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
  • Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
  • i souport publik edekashun.
  • Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
  • Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder…
  • There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
  • Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?
  • Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
  • Keep honking…I’m reloading.
  • Caution: I drive like you do.

Aphorisms

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  • 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
  • The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
  • Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  • Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked into jet engines.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  • Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
  • To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
  • Two wrongs are only the beginning.
  • The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
  • Change is inevitable…. except from vending machines.
  • Don’t sweat petty things…. or pet sweaty things.
  • Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
  • It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Anagrams

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When you have turned Pepsi-Cola into episcopal, or cart-horse into orchestra, or even dishonest into hedonists you have created an anagram – a rearrangement of the letters in a word or phrase to form another word or phrase. Anagrams are said to have originated in the fourth century BC with the Greek poet Lycophron, and they have been popular in every period of history since then.

Anagrams become more interesting when they relate in some way to the original word or phrase.

  • Allegories … Lies Galore
  • Alphabetically … I Play All the ABC
  • Animosity … Is No Amity
  • Astronomer … Moon Starer
  • Considerate … Care is Noted
  • Conversation … Voices Rant On
  • Curtailment … Terminal Cut
  • Dynamite … May End It
  • Disconsolate … Is Not Solaced
  • Endearment … Tender Name
  • Lubrication … Act, Rub Oil In
  • Measurements … Man Uses Meter
  • Misrepresentation … Interpret One Amiss
  • Parishoner … I Hire Parson
  • Pittance … A Cent Tip
  • Predestination … I Pertain to Ends
  • Presbyterian … Best in Prayer
  • Punishment … Nine Thumps
  • Revolution … Love to Ruin
  • Saintliness … Least in Sins
  • Schoolmaster … In The Classroom
  • Separation … One is Apart
  • Softheartedness … Often Sheds Tears
  • Staghounds … A Hunt’s Dogs
  • Suggestion … It Eggs Us On
  • Tempestuous … Seems Put Out
  • Tragedian … Egad, I Rant
  • Tribulations … Is But on Trial
  • Undiplomatic … Mad, Unpolitic
  • Uniformity … I Form Unity
  • Upholsterers … Restore Plush
  • Waitress … A Stew, Sir?
  • The Aristocracy … A Rich Tory Caste
  • Bathing Girls … In Slight Garb
  • The Boarding House … This Abode O’Hunger
  • Circumstantial Evidence … Actual Crime isn’t Evinced
  • The Countryside … No City Dust Here
  • Fool’s Paradise … So Ideal for Sap
  • French Revolution … Violence Run Forth
  • HMS Pinafore … Name for Ship
  • Integral Calculus … Calculating Rules
  • The Irish Nation … Oh, That is in Erin
  • Midwinter Weather … Wind, Rime, Wet Earth
  • The Mona Lisa … Ah, Not a Smile
  • The Morse Code … Here Come Dots
  • The Nudist Colony … No Untidy Clothes
  • Police Protection … Let Cop Cope In Riot
  • A Sentence of Death … Faces One at the End
  • Silver and Gold … Grand Old Evils
  • Slot Machines … Cash Lost In ‘Em
  • Suspended Animation … Supine Man is Not Dead
  • Western Union … No Wire Unsent

Abbreviated Insults

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Great to use in chat rooms or on cell phones!

  • GOPlAinTraFk
    Go play in traffic

  • UvGotAFAcLikASqEzdTBag
    You’ve got a face like a squeezed tea-bag

  • IfUHdABrAnUdBDAjrus
    If you had a brain you’d be dangerous

  • IfUWnt2AMndREdrTherWldBNoChrge
    If you went to a mind reader there would be no charge

  • INoWenURLIinYaLpsMov
    I know when you are lying, Your lips move

  • TLItsROnBtNo1isHOm
    The lights are on, but no one is home

  • URAsMchUsAsMdGrdsOnATortus
    You are as much use as mud guards on a tortoise

  • TWhElsMvnBtTHmstrsDEd
    The Wheel’s moving but the hamster’s dead

  • URAsUsfLAsAChocl8Tpot
    You are as much use as a chocolate teapot

  • UR1SndwchShrtOfAPiKnk
    You are one sandwich short of a picnic

  • :-(YaBrAnIsntAsBgAsYa(_,_)
    A pity your brain isn’t as big as your bottom

Would You Like To Join?

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  • The Yoko Club? — Oh no.
  • The German philosophy club? — I. Kant.
  • The Ford-Nixon club? — Pardon me?
  • The Alzheimer’s club? — Forget it.
  • The Ebert movie club? — Roger.
  • The Groucho Marx club? — You bet your life.
  • The Peter Pan club? — Never. Never.
  • The Japanese theater club? — Noh.
  • The quarterback club? — I’ll pass.
  • The Rhett Butler club? — I don’t give a damn.
  • The compulsive rhymers club? — Okey-dokey.
  • The Spanish optometrists club? — Si.
  • The pregnancy club? — Conceivably.
  • The Procrastinator’s Club? — Maybe, next week…
  • The Self Esteem Builders? — They wouldn’t accept me, anyway.
  • The Agoraphobics Society? — Only if they meet at my house.
  • The Co-Dependence Club? — Can I bring a friend?
  • The Prayer Group — Lord willing!

Unclear Writing

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Examples of unclear writing (Sentences taken from actual letter received by Welfare Department in Application for Support..)

  • I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.
  • I am writing the welfare department to say my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money?
  • Mrs. Jones had not have any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
  • I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why.
  • I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
  • This is my eight child. What are you going to do about it.
  • Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am living with can’t eat or drink until he knows.
  • I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
  • In answer to your letter, I have birth to a boy weighing ten pounds: I hope this is satisfactory.
  • I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children; one of which is a mistake as you can see.
  • My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven’t had any relief since.
  • Unless I get my husband’s money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
  • You have changed my little boy into a girl. Will this make any difference?
  • I have no children as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.
  • In accordance with your instruction, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
  • I want money as quick as I can get, so I have been in bed with doctor for two weeks and he doesn’t do me any good. If things don’t improve I will have to send for another doctor.
  • Bill Smith worked for us for six months and when he left we were happy, we hope this help his caractor.

Rindercilla: A Tairy Fale

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Once uton a pime in a corn funtry there lived a geautiful birl and her name was Rindercella. Now Rindercella lived with her two sad blisters and her mugly other. Also in this corn funtry there liv inviting all the geautiful birls from riles amound. But Rindercella gouldn’t co. She had to make dancy fesses for her two sad blisters and her mugly other.

While they all went off to the bancy fall, Rindercella just cat down and shried. She was just citting there a shrying when there appeared before her – her jerry mud father! “Rindercella,” she asked, “Shry do you why?” Rindercella mold her jerry mud father
of her werrible tork.

Just then her jerry mud father made Rindercella a geautiful bown and took two mield fice and a tumpkin and purned them into two stighty malions and cig boach! Off to the bancy fall went Rindercella, with the warning that she must go home before the mid clock struck night.

As Rindercella entered the bancy fall the pransome hince saw her through a widden hindow and thought she gas worgeous! They danced and danced and soon they lell in fove. Suddenly, the mid clock struck night and fearing her cig boach would purn into a tumpkin,
Rindercella staced down the rairs. But as she beached the rottom, she slopped her dripper.

Well the nery vext day the pransome hince searched the corn funtry for the geautiful birl who had slopped her dripper. He tried it on Rindercella’s mugly other, but if fidn’t dit. He tried it on her sad blisters… Then, the dripper fit only Rindercella at last.

Now the storal of the mory: If you ever go to a bancy fall to meet a pransome hince with the hopes of lalling in fove, don’t forget to slop your dripper!

Real Advertisements

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  • Illiterate? Write today for free help.
  • Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
  • Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
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Read Each Line Aloud

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This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is about cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top.