Republicans and Democrats

  • Republicans say “Merry Christmas!”
    Democrats say “Happy Holidays!”
  • Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to the Salvation Army.
    Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the street.
  • Democrats get back at the Republicans on their Christmas list by giving them fruitcakes.
    Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.
  • Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve.
    Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning.
  • When toasting the holidays, Republicans ask for eggnog or mulled wine.
    Democrats ask for a “Bud.”
  • When not in stores, Republicans shop from a catalog.
    Democrats watch for “incredible TV offers” on late night television.
  • Democrats do much of their shopping at Target and Wal-Mart.
    So do Republicans, but they don’t admit it.
  • Republican parents have no problem buying toy guns for their kids.
    Democrats refuse to do so. That is why their kids pretend to shoot each other with dolls.
  • Republicans spends hundreds of dollars and hours of work decorating the yard with outdoor lights and Christmas displays.
    Democrats save their time and money, and drive around at night to look at *other* people’s lights.
  • Democrats’ favorite Christmas movie is “Miracle on 34th Street.”
    Republicans’ favorite Christmas movie is “It’s a Wonderful Life.”
    Right-Wing Republicans’ favorite Christmas movie is “Die Hard.”
  • Republicans always take the price tag off expensive gifts before wrapping.
    Democrats also remove price tags off pricey gifts … and reposition them to make sure they are seen.
  • Democrats wear wide red ties and green sports jackets during the festive season.
    Republicans do too, all year round.
  • Most Republicans try, at least once, enclosing indulgent, wretchedly maudlin form letters about their families in their Christmas cards.
    Public ridicule from Democrats usually discourages them from doing it again.
  • Democrats’ favorite Christmas carol is “Deck the Halls”.
    Young Democrats’ favorite Christmas carol is “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”.
    Republicans’ favorite Christmas carol is “White Christmas”.
    Young Republicans’ favorite Christmas carol is “White Christmas”.
  • Cheapskate Republicans buy an artificial Christmas tree.
    Tight-fisted Democrats buy a real tree, but they wait until the week before Christmas when the lots lower their prices.
    Green Democrats buy a real tree with roots, and then replant it after New Years.
  • Republicans see nothing wrong with letting their children play “Cowboys and Indians.”
    Democrats don’t either, as long as the Indians win.
  • Republicans first began thinking like Republicans when they stopped believing in Santa Claus.
    Democrats became Democrats because they never stopped believing in Santa Claus.
  • Democrat men like to watch football while the women fix holiday meals.
    On this, Republicans are in full agreement.

Janet Reno’s Pet Peeves

  • Having to brush up on Spanish just to read hate mail.
  • Armed troops + civilian resistance = Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork.
  • In the Elian TV movie, she’ll likely be played by John Lithgow.
  • When she gets angry, she turns green and muscles burst through clothes just dry-cleaned.
  • No one believes, “It was a chocolate gun pointed at Elian’s head.”
  • Whenever she calls “Playboy” and offers to pose, Hefner’s “in a meeting.”
  • Saying, “It’s the tear gas” when crying at “Erin Brockovich.”
  • When Lenscrafters runs out of gigantic, outdated, poorly-fitted frames.
  • Men who feel inadequate when she brings battering ram into bedroom.
  • Constant political pressure to reunite Hall and Oates.

News of the Future

  • George W. Bush: Goofed at his inauguration by saying, “I’m tired of people treating the presidency like it’s some kind of federal job.” Created international incident when he called the Chinese prime minister Hop Sing. Defeated in 2004 by Democrat Warren Beatty.
  • Al Gore: Never did concede election. Went into seclusion in Tennessee, where he attempted to file patents on ATMs, Barbie and instant oatmeal. Wife Tipper eventually had him committed to a sanitarium. He spent final years ordering nurses at Pleasant Days Ahead to bomb Yugoslavia.
  • Joe Lieberman: Went back to U.S. Senate and continued campaign against Hollywood smut. Resigned after photos surfaced on the Internet depicting him in compromising positions with Dr. Laura.
  • Dick Cheney: Scared children at the 2001 White House Christmas party with his dark portrayal of Santa Claus. Wanted to declare war on Iraq again but nobody would let him. Grabbed his chest and keeled over when his daughter showed up at White House dinner with Ellen DeGeneres. President George W. Bush raised eyebrows at the funeral when he said, “It wasn’t a heart attack, and I fully expect Dick to resume his duties as vice president later this week.”
  • Warren Christopher: Distinguished life and career came to an untimely end when he fell asleep in a subway station. Mistaken for dead, he was cremated. Al Gore raised eyebrows at the funeral when he referred to Christopher as “my secretary of state” and credited him with inventing the United Nations. After delivering the eulogy, Gore stunned observers by grabbing wife Tipper for an open-mouth kiss.
  • James A. Baker III: As a reward for his loyalty, Baker was allowed to secretly run the country during the term of George W. Bush, a job he also held during the Reagan administration. After leaving politics, Baker became the new voice for Mr. Burns on “The Simpsons.”
  • Jeb Bush: Bush loses his reelection bid to Green Party candidate Fidel Castro, blaming the defeat on a butterfly ballot used in Miami-Dade. Later was appointed U.S. attorney general by his big brother. Other department heads ruffled his hair and called him Bobby at Cabinet meetings.
  • Bill Clinton: Compromise proposal to remain president the rest of his life rejected. Allegedly pinched Laura Bush at inauguration. Divorced by wife Hillary. Spent final years as a broken man, running Po Boy Billy’s BBQ stand in Arkansas.
  • Katherine Harris: Became a partner with Tammy Faye in developing line of beauty-care products called Sensuous Republican. Nominated as best supporting actress for her portrayal of the Borg Queen. Achieved lifelong ambition in 2028 when President Tom Feeney appointed her as ambassador to Chad.
  • Chief Justice Charles Wells: Florida Supreme Court jurist left bench to star in WB courtroom show: “Judge Chuck!” Issued landmark ruling in 2005 that said a wife who has a sex-change operation and sleeps with her husband’s sister is not entitled to alimony. Ruling was overturned by U.S. Supreme Court.

Independent Political Parties That Didn’t Make It

A lot of voters are getting a little bored with the 2-party system. Even the Reform Party and the Libertarian Party aren’t making much of a showing this year. These parties just never seemed to make that cut for some reason:

  • The Crack Party… We’re split down the middle.
  • The Mouth Party… And you’re invited to cum.
  • The Gay/NRA Party… We’re here, we’re queer. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
  • The Pity Party… C’mon, we never win anything. Vote for us once, will ya?
  • The Private Party… No comment.
  • The Cocktail Party… Cock and Tail – does it get any better than this?
  • The Search Party… Looking for members.
  • The Keg Party… Dude, we could so totally run the country.
  • Non-partisan party… We believe in what you believe in.
  • The Beaver Party… Oh, forget it – we’ve already got Bush.

My Favorite Things

The Bill Clinton Version

Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while ‘way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I’m feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don’t feel so bad.

Beating the draft board and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I’ve selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Falling down drunk that required knee surgery
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I’m feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don’t feel so bad.

Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I’m feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don’t feel so bad.

George W. and Moses

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, “Aren’t you Moses?”

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man’s view and asked again, “Aren’t you Moses?”

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the man’s sleeve and asked once again, “Aren’t you Moses?”

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, “Yes, I am.”

George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, “The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert.”

Monica’s Wish

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.

“Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!” she exclaimed.

“No,” said the genie, “You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish.”

“Let’s see,” says Monica, “I don’t need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. And I don’t need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I’ll have all the money I could ever want. I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yes, that’s it, for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed.”

Poof! And just like that..her ears fell off.

Revelations in Barbara Walters’ Interview with Monica

  • She just did it all to meet Roger Clinton.
  • “Bill CLINTON?!? All this time, I thought they were saying Bill *CLIFTON*, this guy I met at Starbucks! Hey, everybody, never mind, okay? My bad.”
  • Deal with Ken Starr included private “oral deposition” and “lap dance for immunity.”
  • Monica admits the President’s DNA was on that blue dress, but she swears the stain was already there when she borrowed the dress from George Stephanopoulos.
  • The President was really sorry there wasn’t more room under his desk for snuggling.
  • While in the throes of passion, Bill promised Monica Delaware and Rhode Island.
  • The most powerful man on the planet is deathly afraid of teeth.
  • She never actually wore a thong; her size 14 ass just made it look that way.
  • It’s damn near impossible to say “fellatio” without an “L” sound.
  • There’s a 200-year-old collection of Presidential chewing gum under the Oval Office desk.
  • Pet name for the Presidential appendage: “Little Rock”
  • Things really got confusing when the president suggested she, “Take a trip to Mount Vernon.”
  • She’s a vapid, brainless dullard desperate for any pitiful shred of media exposure. And we learn some things about Monica as well.

Republican Euphemisms for Impeaching the President

  • Bad Bill Hunting
  • Bubba Buh-bye
  • Careericide!
  • Doin’ The Hillbilly Heave
  • Footing the Bill
  • Premature Ejection
  • Proving Once Again That We Are Nothing But A Bunch Of Bitter Mean-Spirited Partisans Who Oppose Any President Who Promotes Policies Which Are Favorable To Blacks, Women, Non-Christians or Homosexuals
  • Taking Bill out Behind the Woodshed
  • Termus Interruptus
  • The Constitutional Gong Show
  • Vast Conspiracy Project, Page #349832-J
  • Coup Process Under the Law
  • Keeping MSNBC in Business
  • L’Etat, C’est Nous, Dickhead
  • Lancing a Boil
  • Passing a Bill
  • Pinning the Tale on the Donkey
  • Politician Assisted Suicide
  • Removing the Stinger
  • Taking the Rod to the Staff
  • The Affair to Remember
  • The Sour Grapes Slam
  • Throwing Out the Bubba With the Bathwater
  • Stain Removal
  • Burning a Bridge to the 21st Century
  • Late Term Abortion
  • POTUS Interruptus
  • Pre-losing the 2000 Elections, For Your Voting Convenience
  • Election ’96 — The Recount
  • Doing What the American People Would Want if They All Weren’t So Damn Stupid
  • Letting Al Drive the Bus
  • Popping the First Zit
  • Taking a Little Off the Top
  • Cutting the Big Cheese

How Times Change

  • Patient: “Huh? What? Where am I?”
  • Nurse: “You’re in the hospital. You’ve been in a coma.”
  • Patient: “How long was I in a coma?”
  • Nurse: “Ten years”
  • Patient: “Wow… Who’s President?”
  • Nurse: “Bush”
  • Patient:
  • Patient: “How’s the economy?”
  • Nurse: “Lotta layoffs”
  • Patient:
  • Patient: “Who else is in the White House?”
  • Nurse: “Cheney and Powell”
  • Patient:
  • Patient: “Are we by any chance bombing Iraq?”
  • Nurse: “Yep”
  • Patient: “HOW long was I…”
  • Nurse: “Ten years”