- Republicans say “Merry Christmas!”
Democrats say “Happy Holidays!”
- Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to the Salvation Army.
Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the street.
- Democrats get back at the Republicans on their Christmas list by giving them fruitcakes.
Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.
- Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve.
Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning.
- When toasting the holidays, Republicans ask for eggnog or mulled wine.
Democrats ask for a “Bud.”
- When not in stores, Republicans shop from a catalog.
Democrats watch for “incredible TV offers” on late night television.
- Democrats do much of their shopping at Target and Wal-Mart.
So do Republicans, but they don’t admit it.
- Republican parents have no problem buying toy guns for their kids.
Democrats refuse to do so. That is why their kids pretend to shoot each other with dolls.
- Republicans spends hundreds of dollars and hours of work decorating the yard with outdoor lights and Christmas displays.
Democrats save their time and money, and drive around at night to look at *other* people’s lights.
- Democrats’ favorite Christmas movie is “Miracle on 34th Street.”
Republicans’ favorite Christmas movie is “It’s a Wonderful Life.”
Right-Wing Republicans’ favorite Christmas movie is “Die Hard.”
- Republicans always take the price tag off expensive gifts before wrapping.
Democrats also remove price tags off pricey gifts … and reposition them to make sure they are seen.
- Democrats wear wide red ties and green sports jackets during the festive season.
Republicans do too, all year round.
- Most Republicans try, at least once, enclosing indulgent, wretchedly maudlin form letters about their families in their Christmas cards.
Public ridicule from Democrats usually discourages them from doing it again.
- Democrats’ favorite Christmas carol is “Deck the Halls”.
Young Democrats’ favorite Christmas carol is “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”.
Republicans’ favorite Christmas carol is “White Christmas”.
Young Republicans’ favorite Christmas carol is “White Christmas”.
- Cheapskate Republicans buy an artificial Christmas tree.
Tight-fisted Democrats buy a real tree, but they wait until the week before Christmas when the lots lower their prices.
Green Democrats buy a real tree with roots, and then replant it after New Years.
- Republicans see nothing wrong with letting their children play “Cowboys and Indians.”
Democrats don’t either, as long as the Indians win.
- Republicans first began thinking like Republicans when they stopped believing in Santa Claus.
Democrats became Democrats because they never stopped believing in Santa Claus.
- Democrat men like to watch football while the women fix holiday meals.
On this, Republicans are in full agreement.
- Bad Bill Hunting
- Bubba Buh-bye
- Careericide!
- Doin’ The Hillbilly Heave
- Footing the Bill
- Premature Ejection
- Proving Once Again That We Are Nothing But A Bunch Of Bitter Mean-Spirited Partisans Who Oppose Any President Who Promotes Policies Which Are Favorable To Blacks, Women, Non-Christians or Homosexuals
- Taking Bill out Behind the Woodshed
- Termus Interruptus
- The Constitutional Gong Show
- Vast Conspiracy Project, Page #349832-J
- Coup Process Under the Law
- Keeping MSNBC in Business
- L’Etat, C’est Nous, Dickhead
- Lancing a Boil
- Passing a Bill
- Pinning the Tale on the Donkey
- Politician Assisted Suicide
- Removing the Stinger
- Taking the Rod to the Staff
- The Affair to Remember
- The Sour Grapes Slam
- Throwing Out the Bubba With the Bathwater
- Stain Removal
- Burning a Bridge to the 21st Century
- Late Term Abortion
- POTUS Interruptus
- Pre-losing the 2000 Elections, For Your Voting Convenience
- Election ’96 — The Recount
- Doing What the American People Would Want if They All Weren’t So Damn Stupid
- Letting Al Drive the Bus
- Popping the First Zit
- Taking a Little Off the Top
- Cutting the Big Cheese
- You have to believe that 8 years of national prosperity was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush but that, yesterday’s gas prices is all Clinton’s fault.
- You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.
- You have to be against government programs, but expect Social Security checks on-time.
- You have to believe that government should stay out of people’s lives, except to regulate opposite-gender marriages, what your official language should be, and what form of birth control, if any, you should use.
- You have to believe that pollution is ok, as long as it makes a profit.
- You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don’t pray to Allah or Buddha.
- You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.
- You have to believe that a woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body but that large multinational corporations should have no regulation or interference whatsoever.
- You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.
- You have to believe that society is colorblind and, growing up black in America doesn’t diminish your opportunities, but you still won’t vote for Alan Keyes.
- You have to believe that it was wise to allow Ken Starr to spend $50 million dollars to attack Clinton because no other U.S. presidents have ever been unfaithful to their wives.
- You have to believe that a waiting period for purchasing a handgun is bad because quick access to a new firearm is an important concern for all Americans.
- You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools, because we all know, if teenagers don’t have condoms, they won’t have sex.
- You have to believe that the ACLU is bad because they defend the Constitution, while the NRA is good because they defend the Constitution.
- You have to believe that socialism hasn’t worked anywhere, and that Europe doesn’t exist.
- You have to believe that the AIDS virus is not important enough to deserve federal funding proportionate to the resulting death rate and that the public doesn’t need to be educated about it, because if we just ignore it, it will go away.
- You have to believe that biology teachers are corrupting the morals of 6th graders if they teach them the basics of human sexuality, but the Bible, which is full of sex
and violence, is good reading.
- You have to believe that Chinese communist missiles have killed more Americans than handguns, alcohol, and tobacco.
- You have to believe that even though governments have supported the arts for 5000 years and that, most of the great works of Renaissance art were paid for by governments, our government should shun any such support. After all, the rich can afford to buy their own and the poor don’t need any.
- You have to believe that the lumber from the last one percent of old growth U.S. forests is well worth the destruction of those forests andthe extinction of the several species of plants and animals therein.
- You have to believe that we should forgive and pray for Newt Gingrich, Henry Hyde, and Bob Livingston for their marital infidelities, but Clinton should have been impeached.
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