Category Archives: Fun Lists

Important Warnings

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  • On the “CycleAware” helmet-mounted mirror: “Remember: Objects in the mirror are actually behind you.”
  • On a large folding cardboard sunshade for car windscreens: “Do not attempt to operate vehicle with sunshade in place.”
  • On a car lock which loops around both the clutch pedal and the steering wheel: “Warning – Remove lock before driving.”
  • In the instructions for a Korean kitchen knife: “Keep out of children.”
  • On a packet of juggling balls: “This product contains small granules under 3 millimeters. Not suitable for children under the age of 14 years in Europe or 8 years in the USA.”
  • On a packet of Nytol sleeping tablets: “Warning: may cause drowsiness.”
  • On a packet of peanuts served on an internal flight in China (written in both English and Chinese): “Open packet and eat contents.”
  • On 500g packets of Sainsbury’s peanuts: “Contains nuts.”
  • Seen on a camera: “This camera only works when there is film inside.”
  • On a bottle of flavored milk drink: “After opening, keep upright.”
  • On a Rowenta iron: “Warning! Never iron clothes on the body!”
  • On a can of windscreen de-icing spray: “Spray works in sub-zero temperatures.”
  • On a can of insect spray: “Kills all kinds of insects! Warning: This spray is harmful to bees.”
  • A different brand of insect spray: “Kills flies, wasps, mosquitoes, midges, and other flying insects. Not tested on animals.”
  • On an ocean buoy for determining the position of submarines: “Protect from seawater.”
  • On a Halloween Batman costume: “This cape does not give the wearer the ability to fly.”

How to Tell if Your Friend or Neighbor is a Werewolf

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Werewolves live among us today, but unless you know what to look for, they are impossible to identify. Except when they’re suffering an attack of the rare illness that turns them into crazed beasts, they look like any of your friends or neighbors, experts say. Dr. Werner Bokelman, an Austrian anthropologist who has studied werewolves for 30 years, has developed a test to help identify the werewolves among us. Here’s how he says you can tell if your friend or neighbor is a werewolf:

  • Does he smell like a mixture of stale hay and horse manure? Werewolves have extra glands that emit nasty smells.
  • Does he have eyebrows that meet in the middle of his forehead? Doctors in Denmark say that’s a certain sign of the beast inside. Werewolves’ arms, legs, and bodies are extremely hairy, especially the backs of their hands and the tops of their feet.
  • Does a neighbor’s child seem unusually attracted to little girls by the age of 7 or 8? Werewolves reach sexual maturity at that age — five years ahead of normal humans.
  • Is the ring finger on both of his hands longer than the middle finger? Experts say a long ring finger is a sure sign a person is a werewolf.
  • Does he own large pets that often disappear and then are replaced by other large pets? Werewolves have enormous appetites and like to sink their fangs into large, fleshy animals. It would take 100 chickens a week, for example, to satisfy the average werewolf.
  • Do you hear strange howling and moaning in the neighborhood when there is a full moon and no dogs around? If so, you are living close to a werewolf.
  • Does his skin slowly change color? It takes a few hours for a werewolf to change from human to animal form. The first sign is a gradual darkening of the skin.
  • Does he wander around graveyards, mortuaries or turn up at the scene of fatal accidents? Corpses are a ready source of nourishment for young werewolves.
  • Is his blood bluish red and his urine a deep purple? If you can trust yourself to be alone with a suspected werewolf in the daytime, try to find out without being too obvious. Following him into a men’s room might be a good idea, but be careful.

Hidden Meanings in Commercial Slogans

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  • “A diamond is forever.”
    “Which is *exactly* how long you’ll be hearing about it from the wife if you don’t cough up the green for some ice, pal.”

  • “Built Ford tough”
    “It’s an American version of tough; not *really* tough, like German cars are tough.”

  • “I can’t believe it’s not butter!”
    “Being around Fabio, for even a few seconds, makes you dumb as a post.”

  • “Pork; the other white meat”
    “When Heston starts screaming that it’s people, don’t say we didn’t warn you.”

  • “An Army of one”
    “Can’t be gay all by yourself, can ya?”

  • “A diamond says you’d marry her all over again”
    “You’re too classy for a $50 hooker every week.”

  • “Have it your way”
    “Think of us as your personal hamburger whore.”

  • “Just Do It”
    “We know you’ll never get off the couch lard-ass; just buy the friggin’ shoes.”

  • “The new way to office”
    “The half-assed way to slogan.”

  • “It’s so chunky, you’ll be tempted to eat it with a fork.”
    “Those damn slicing machines are still dumping way too many body parts in our soups!”

  • “Must-see TV”
    “Yeah, what else are you gonna do, Shakespeare? Read?!”

  • “Calgon, take me away!”
    “I’ve got my Mr. Showerhead poised for action.”

  • “Like a rock”
    “God knows we weren’t selling many pickups with that Boy George tune.”

He’s So Mean That…

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  • If you kicked him in the heart, you’d break your toe.
  • He’d steal a dead fly from a blind spider.
  • He’s deaf, and never told his barber.
  • You couldn’t warm up to him if you were cremated together.
  • He sends get-well cards to hypochondriacs.
  • He’d cry over your wounds so he could get salt in them.
  • He has as much use for anyone living as an undertaker.
  • He applied for a job as a prison warden so he could put tacks in the electric chair.
  • The only thing he’ll share with you willingly is a communicable disease.
  • He folds his newspaper so the guy next to him on the bus can only read half the headline.
  • He has a testimonial plaque from Kenneth Starr.
  • He dreamed that he died and the heat woke him up.
  • He takes sparrows, dips them in peroxide, and sells them as canaries.
  • He’d throw a drowning man both ends of the rope.
  • He knifes you in the back, and then has you arrested for carrying a weapon.
  • He campaigned for a dry county, got it passed, and then moved away.
  • He told his children the Easter Bunny got run over by a car.
  • He was engaged to a girl with a wooden leg, but he got mad and broke it off.
  • He never hits a man when he’s down–he kicks him.
  • He never eats his heart out; he’d starve to death.
  • He’d borrow your pot just to cook your goose.
  • Only gravediggers would enjoy working for him.
  • He gave his wife oysters and a rabbit’s foot because she wanted pearls for her birthday.
  • He had three phones installed so that he could hang up on more people.

Helpful Hints for Life

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  • If you’re bidding on a job for UPS, don’t send your bid by FedEx.
  • If your computer says, “Printer out of Paper,” this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the “OK” button.
  • If you want your refrigerator’s ice maker to work, you need to hook it to a water source. Air doesn’t make good ice unless it is mixed with water.
  • No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.
  • A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.
  • It’s okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.
  • When the PC says, “Insert diskette #2,” don’t do it immediately. Remove disk #1 first, even if you’re sure you can make them both fit in there.
  • When your PC says “You have mail,” don’t go to the company mail room and look for a package.
  • The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn’t translate English language web pages into French.
  • If you’re in the armed services, and it’s April 1st, and you get an e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don’t.
  • If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you don’t have to specify whether it’s for a Windows or a Macintosh.
  • Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don’t know.
  • Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
  • Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhoea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
  • Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
  • No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
  • Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).
  • If a person is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
  • Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dishwashing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

You Might Belong to Generation X If….

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  • You wore anything Izod, especially those windbreakers that folded up into a pouch you could wear around your waist.
  • You owned a Jordache anything, or you remember when Jordache jeans were cool.
  • You know, by heart, the words to a “Weird” Al Yankovic song.
  • You remember when Madonna was just hitting the scene.
  • “The Reflex” was a cool song.
  • You remember “Battlestar Galactica.”
  • Three words: “Atari,” “Apple,” and “Pong.”
  • You remember the original version of Windows: Macintosh.
  • You remember the days when “safe sex” meant “my parents are gone for the weekend.”
  • You remember “Friday Night Videos” before the days of MTV.
  • You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the mini-van.
  • You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you in the “tail gunner” position.
  • You actually know who Rick Springfield is.
  • You remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.
  • You jammed to the Miami Vice theme and thought Jan Hammer was cool.
  • For the girl crazy bunch: Your first sexual dream occurred to thoughts of Jeannie, Marsha Brady, Samantha from Bewitched or, for those hard-core comic fans out there, Daphne from Scooby Doo, Josie or any one of her Pussycats
  • And for the boy crazy bunch: You thought Sean Cassidy was “dreamy”, lusted after “Ted, your ship’s photographer” on the Love Boat and Chachi, or, to keep it fair to the comically interested, thought Fred was just a hunk on Scooby Doo.
  • You’re starting to believe (now that it wouldn’t affect YOU) that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn’t be such a bad idea after all.
  • You’re doing absolutely nothing with anything pertaining to your major degree.
  • You ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon
  • You remember when there was only “G, PG and R”, none of this PG-13 crap.
  • You learned to swim about the same time Jaws came out and still carry the emotional scars to this day.
  • You spent endless nights dreaming about being the Bionic Woman/Man or Wonder Woman/the Incredible Hulk.
  • You know all the words to the double album set of Grease.
  • “All-skate, change directions” means something to you.
  • You ever rang someone’s doorbell and said “Landshark.”
  • You bought a pair of Vanns and wanted to order a pizza in history class so you could be just like Jeff Spicoli in Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
  • You wore Birdwell’s Beach Britches, or anything made by OP.
  • You remember that video by A Flock of Seagulls.
  • “Thriller”, “Beat It”, or “Ebony and Ivory” was your top request on the radio.
  • Remember “Tainted Love”?
  • Every time you see one of those big military rescue helicpters, you think of the “Screaming Mimi” from “Riptide.”
  • You saw the space shuttle launch in shcool and thought “Wow, cool.”
  • One word: Corduroy.
  • You are a Remington Steele fan.
  • You saw the Stones’ *first* farewell tour.
  • When you saw Dana Plato’s layout in Playboy, it didn’t match the fantasies you had from watching her on “Diff’rent Strokes.”
  • You remember when Eddie Van Halen and Hugh Heffner were both single. “Van Halen just isn’t the same without Dave.”
  • You remember when Rush was a heavy metal band, and Geddy Lee’s voice could shatter glass.
  • You saw the first “Less Filling/Tastes Great” commercial.
  • You know the Fonz’s full name.
  • You decided to take up golf after you saw “Caddyshack.”
  • Cheech and Chong were really cool, man.
  • Go, Speed Racer, go!
  • Rocky and Bullwinkle, Speed Buggy, Underdog, and Get Smart were yourfavorite TV shows, right after Gilligan’s Island.
  • You remember all the words to the Gilligan’s Island theme song.
  • Redd Foxx was great as Fred Sanford.
  • Sonny Bono as mayor still wigs you out.
  • You went around humming Manfred Mann’s “Do Wah Diddy” for two weeks after you saw “Stripes.”
  • You’ve ever shouted, “I wanna rock and roll all night, and party every day!”
  • You remember when OJ was famous for running through airports in Hertz commercials, or for playing football.
  • Carroll O’connor was Archie Bunker, not that hick cop from Georgia.
  • You still watch “The Jeffersons,” and you’re waiting for “Good Times” to come out on video. (Dyn-O-Mite!)
  • It’s sad to see Jimmie Walker, Evel Knievel, and Eddie Munster in those Little Caesar’s ads.
  • The words “How about a nice Hawaiian Punch?” and “Where’s the beef?!” bring back fond childhood memories.
  • Sesame Street and Star Trek played important roles during your formative years.
  • You really liked the car in “Hardcastle and McCormick.”
  • You know what “Nanoo, nanoo” means.
  • Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder really knew how to make an entrance into a prison cell. (“That’s right, we bad….”)
  • You remember Velvet Jones, Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood, and Gumby, dammit!
  • Before “NYPD Blue,” it was “Hill Street Blues.” And before that, it was “Baretta,” “Columbo,” and “Starsky & Hutch.”
  • You know where the line “Yo, Adrian!” came from.
  • You watched ZOOM on TV.
  • You took a date to see “St. Elmo’s Fire.”
  • The video for Peter Gabriel’s “Sledgehammer” was almost as badass as Dire Straits’ “Money for Nothing.”
  • You remember Sting as the front man for the Police.
  • You got sick of hearing George Michael’s “Sex” over and over on the radio, kinda like Def Leppard……
  • You remember anything Bruce Springsteen did before “Born in the USA.”
  • You watched “Cagney and Lacey.”
  • You zaw zoze Zima commerzials on ze TV. (“Nice hat.”)
  • You know that the “Queen of Rock and Roll” is Rod Stewart.
  • You know who Tennesee Tuxedo was.
  • You used to watch “Hollywood Squares” because it was on between “Gomer Pyle, USMC” and “Batman .”
  • You wore your jeans tight, not baggy like all your friends do now to hide their flabby backsides.
  • “Funky Cold Medina” was cool.
  • You actually remember Spuds McKenzie, Alex from Stroh’s, and the Swedish Bikini Team.
  • You remember when Joe Camel made his first appearance, on the 75th birthday comemorative pack.
  • You remember when Patrick Duffy went from being “The Man from Atlantis” to Bobby Ewing.
  • You know who shot JR.
  • Before he starred with Lou Ferigno in “The Increduble Hulk,” Bill Bixby played in “The Courtship of Eddie’s Father.” (After he did “My Favorite Martian,” of course.)
  • Remember “Real People” and “That’s Incredible”?
  • Dennis Miller, for just an instant, was actually as funny as he thought he was.
  • You were afraid of the Sleestaks on Land of the Lost.
  • You remember the days that hooking your computer into your television wasn’t an expensive option that required gadgets – it was the ONLY WAY to use your computer!
  • “IntelliVision” and “Coleco”. Sound familiar?
  • You see teenagers today wearing clothes that show up in those childhood photos, and they still look bad.
  • You remember when music that was labeled “alternative” really was.
  • You, yes you, sat down and memorized the entire lyric sheet to “It’s the End of the World as We Know It”.
  • You’ve ever conversationally used the phrase “Jane, you ignorant slut”.
  • You watched HR Puffenstuff as a child, but now that you’re older, you really understand that it would have been much better had you known about drugs at the time.
  • You’re starting to view getting carded to buy alcohol as a GOOD thing.
  • You ever used the phrase “kiss mah grits” in conversation.
  • You remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch from the first scene.
  • This rings a bell: “and my name, is Charlie. They work for me.”
  • You ever wanted to learn to play “Stairway to Heaven” on the guitar.
  • You were unsure if Diet Coke would ever catch on, after all, look at Tab.
  • You remember when your cable tv box had the three rows of numbers and you had to move the selector switch accordingly.

You Know You’re Taking Genealogy Too Seriously If…

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  • You are the only person to show up at the cemetery research party with a shovel.
  • To put the “final touches” on your genealogical research, you’ve asked all of your closest relatives to provide DNA samples.
  • You were instrumental in having “non-genealogical use of the genealogy room copy machine” classified as a federal hate crime.
  • Your house leans slightly toward the side where your genealogical records are stored.
  • You decided to take a two-week break from genealogy, and the U.S. Postal Office immediately laid off 1,500 employees.
  • Out of respect for your best friend’s unquestioned reputation for honesty and integrity, you are willing to turn off that noisy surveillance camera while she reviews your 57 genealogical research notebooks in your home. The armed security guard, however, will remain.
  • You plod merrily along “refining” your recently published family history, blissfully unaware that the number of errata pages now far exceeds the number of pages in your original publication.
  • During an ice storm and power outage, you ignore the pleas of your shivering spouse and place your last quilt around that 1886 photograph of dear Uncle George.
  • The most recent document in your “Missing Ancestors” file is a 36-page contract between you and Johnson Billboard Advertising Company.
  • Ed McMahon, several TV cameras and an envelope from Publishers Clearing House arrive at your front door on Super Bowl Sunday, and the first thing you say is, “Are you related to the McMahons of Ohio?”
  • “A Loving Family” and “Financial Security” have moved up to second and third, respectively, on your list of life’s goals, but still lag far behind “Owning My Own Microfilm Reader.”
  • A magical genie appears and agrees to grant your any one wish, and you ask that the 1890 census be restored.

Short of a Full Deck

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  • “Body by Fisher — brains by Mattel.”
  • $HOME = /dev/null.
  • 3K RAM free, no EMS.
  • A .22 caliber intellect in a .357 Magnum world.
  • A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth.
  • A 20th century man… The guy has no future.
  • A 3.5-inch drive, but data on punch cards.
  • A black-and-white mind working on a color-coded problem.
  • A brain like a BB in a boxcar/box of Corn Flakes.
  • A couple of slates short of a full roof.
  • A couplet short of a sonnet.
  • A cup and saucer short of a place setting.
  • A day late and a dollar short.
  • A deadbolt with a broken cylinder.
  • A doughnut short of being a cop.
  • A few beads short in her rosary.
  • A few beans short of chili.
  • A few beers short of a six-pack
  • A six-pack short of a case.
  • A few birds shy of a flock.
  • A few blocks short of a filesystem.
  • A few bombs/melons short of a full load.
  • A few bricks short of a wall/hod/load/pile.
  • A few chips short of a cookie.
  • A few clowns short of a circus.
  • A few clues shy of a solution.
  • A few cold solder joints.
  • A few ears short of a bushel.
  • A few feathers short of a whole duck.
  • A few few cylinders short of a full re-format.
  • A few fish short of a string.
  • A few french fries/one hamburger short of a Happy Meal.
  • A few guppies short of an aquarium.
  • A few inches short of a foot/yard.
  • A few kernels short of an ear.
  • A few kopeks short of a ruble.
  • A few links shy of a chain.
  • A few measures short of a staff.
  • A few open splices.
  • A few peas short of a pod/casserole.
  • A few pickles short of a jar.
  • A few pies short of a holiday.
  • A few planes short of an Air Force/hangar.
  • A few points short of a polygon.
  • A few revisions behind.
  • A few sandwiches/apples/ants short of a picnic.
  • A few screws loose.
  • A few shrimps short of a barbie.
  • A few spoons short of a full set.
  • A few straws shy of a bale.
  • A few tiles missing from his space shuttle.
  • A few tiles short of a successful re-entry.
  • A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.
  • A few volts below threshold.
  • A few yards short of the hole.
  • A flash of light, a cloud of dust, and… What was the question?
  • A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
  • A hop, skip, and jump from success, but to get there he’d have to give up chewing gum.
  • A kangaroo loose in her top paddock.
  • A lap behind the field.
  • A little light in his loafers.
  • A looney tune.
  • A medical mystery.
  • A mental midget with the IQ of a fencepost. — Tom Waits
  • A mind as empty as the sleeping pill concession at a honeymoon hotel.
  • A mind like wet tennis shoes… Makes squishy noises when running.
  • A modest little person, with much to be modest about. — Churchill
  • A natural talent for finding subliminal messages in ice cubes.
  • A Neanderthal brain in a Cro-Magnon body.
  • A notch off the timing mark.
  • A one-bit brain with a parity error.
  • A pacifist out of necessity in a battle of wits.
  • A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
  • A prime candidate for natural deselection.
  • A quart low.
  • A return with no gosub.
  • A room temperature IQ.
  • A semitone flat on the high notes.
  • A square with only three sides.
  • A steering wheel/few bolts short of a Yugo.
  • A teapot with a cracked lid.
  • A titanic intellect… In a world full of icebergs.
  • A vacuum-tube brain in a microchip world.
  • A VGA card and a Hercules monitor.
  • A victim of retroactive birth control.
  • A violin minus the bow.
  • A walking argument for birth control.
  • A wind-up clock without a key.
  • About half smart.
  • Afraid she’ll void her warranty if she thinks too much.
  • Airhead/bubble-brain.
  • Aliens zapped him with stupidity ray — twice.
  • All booster, no payload.
  • All crown, no filling.
  • All foam, no beer.
  • All hammer, no nail.
  • All hat and no cattle.
  • All he remembers about his middle name is the first letter.
  • All his eggs in the same basket.
  • All his learning curves look like Mount Everest.
  • All icing, no cake.
  • All lime and salt, no tequila.
  • All missile, no warhead.
  • All of his bytes are odd.
  • All shot, no powder.
  • All the lights don’t shine in her marquee.
  • All the personality of linoleum flooring/plasticene/putty/ caulking/saran wrap/a bowl of oatmeal/a plastic spoon.
  • All the sex appeal of a wet paper bag.
  • All wax and no wick.
  • Alphabetizes junk mail/T-shirts/canonical lists.
  • Always in the right place, but at the wrong time.
  • Always loses battles of wits because he’s unarmed.
  • Always needs to have jokes explained.
  • Always sharpening his sleeping skills.
  • An 8080 in a 68000 environment.
  • An alligator. (All mouth, no ears.)
  • An Apple //e on UUCP.
  • An early example of the Peter Principle.
  • An ego like a black hole.
  • An example of how the dinosaurs survived for millions of years with walnut sized brains.
  • An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
  • An expert on the historical significance of cottage cheese.
  • An inch short and a stroke early.
  • An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
  • An XT clone in a Pentium zone.
  • Ano-fossal ambiguity. (Can’t tell his ass from a hole in the ground.)
  • Another engineering prototype that should not have been shipped.
  • Answers the door when the phone rings.
  • Any slower and he’d be in reverse. — Gignac
  • As a baby his parents stood him on his soft spot.
  • As bent as a corkscrew.
  • As bright as a nightlight/small appliance bulb/tulip bulb.
  • As focused as a fart.
  • As happy as if he had brains.
  • As happy as the village idiot.
  • As much use as a back pocket in a vest.
  • As much use as a lead parachute.
  • As quick as a corpse.
  • As rare as a nine bob note.
  • As sharp as a marble/bowling ball/beachball/pin head/wet sponge/bowl of Jello/mashed potato sandwich, and twice as smart.
  • As sharp as a sack full of wet mice. — Foghorn Leghorn
  • As smart as a politician/lawyer is honest.
  • As smart as bait/an automatic email responder script.
  • As smart as Christie Brinkley is ugly.
  • As thick as champ. (Irish; champ is mostly mashed spuds and cabbage.)
  • As thick as two short planks/two half bricks.
  • As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.
  • Attic’s a little dusty.
  • Back burners not fully operating.
  • Bad spot on the disk.
  • Baler done run out of twine.
  • Bandwidth limited.
  • Barney’s his hero.
  • Bats have flown the belfry, and now he’s all alone.
  • Bats in the belfry.
  • Batteries not included.
  • Been napping in front of the ion shield again.
  • Been playing with his wand too much.
  • Been playing with the pharmacy section again.
  • Been short on oxygen one time too many.
  • Been using her head as a mass driver.
  • Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.
  • Blew his O-rings.
  • Blew the hatch before the lock sealed.
  • Blocked one too many hockey pucks/soccer balls/punches with his head.
  • Blown/leaking head gasket.
  • Born a day late and like that ever since.
  • Born during low tide in the gene pool/swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool.
  • Born ugly and built to last.
  • Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat.
  • Brain is running on empty.
  • Brain like a hard drive with no read/write head.
  • Brain permanently in power saving/8-bit mode.
  • Brain transplant donor.
  • Bright as a Zippo lighter without a flint.
  • Bright as Alaska in December.
  • Bright as an acetylene torch — without an oxygen supply.
  • Brings binoculars to submarine races.
  • Broadcasts static.
  • Bubbles/leaks in her think tank.
  • Built a special showcase for his herd of pet rocks.
  • Busier than a one-armed paper hanger.
  • Busy as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.
  • Caboose seems to be pulling the engine.
  • Cackles a lot, but I ain’t seen no eggs yet.
  • Calling her stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
  • Calling him a pea brain would be an undeserved compliment.
  • Calls people to ask them their phone number.
  • Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.
  • Can discern facts and form predictions with the acumen of an economist.
  • Can easily be confused with facts.
  • Can only remember her old passwords.
  • Can only shoot pool with a left-handed cue stick.
  • Can’t count his balls and get the same answer twice.
  • Can’t distinguish jacking off and stropping a razor.
  • Can’t find his ass with two hands and a periscope/compass/flashlight/bloodhound/GPS receiver (in a locked closet).
  • Can’t find log base two of 65536 without a calculator.
  • Can’t program his way out of a for-loop.
  • Car’s only got three wheels, and one’s going flat.
  • Carrier wave unmodulated.
  • Carries a tire gauge in her purse.
  • Cart can’t hold all the groceries.
  • Cauliflower for brains.
  • Changes hands and picks up a stroke.
  • Charming as a carbuncle.
  • Cheats when filling out opinion polls.
  • Cheezwiz for brains.
  • Chimney’s clogged.
  • Clock doesn’t have all its numbers.
  • Colder than a well-digger’s ass in the Klondike.
  • Collects cards for Craig.
  • Communications with him is limited to ping.
  • Confused as a baby in a topless bar.
  • Consumes hard drugs as vitamins.
  • Contributes to collections like this one without searching first to see if their little gem is already listed.
  • Contributes to the population problem.
  • Could be considered a plant if he developed photrophic motility.
  • Could only be loved/missed if the minister read someone else’s eulogy.
  • Couldn’t balance a checkbook if Einstein helped.
  • Couldn’t count to 21 if he were barefoot and without pants.
  • Couldn’t find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him.
  • Couldn’t get a clue during clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if he smeared his body with clue musk and did the clue

    mating dance.

  • Couldn’t get laid if he crawled up a chicken’s rear end and waited his turn.
  • Couldn’t hit sand if he fell off a camel.
  • Couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn if he were standing inside.
  • Couldn’t organize a piss-up in a brewery. (Common in Australia.)
  • Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
  • Couldn’t think/pee his way out of a paper bag.
  • Couldn’t write dialog for a porno flick.
  • CPU is always in powersave mode.
  • CPU not connected to the bus.
  • Cranial cavity filled with neutronic matter.
  • Cranio-rectally inverted.
  • Cunning as a dodo bird.
  • Cursor’s flashing but there’s no response.
  • Dealing with him is less fun than going to the dentist.
  • Dealing with him is one angst worse than a blind date.
  • Deep as her dimples/reflection in a mirror.
  • Defective hard drive/boot sector.
  • Dense as a London fog.
  • Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
  • Differently clued. — Dave Clark
  • Dock doesn’t quite reach the water.
  • Does aerobics… in his head.
  • Does everything the hard way, like making love standing up in a hammock.
  • Doesn’t adjust for leap years.
  • Doesn’t consider his drive a slice unless it lands two fairways over.
  • Doesn’t have a fart’s prayer in a hurricane.
  • Doesn’t have a round in every chamber.
  • Doesn’t have all his cornflakes in one box.
  • Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash/cups in the cupboard/groceries in the same bag.
  • Doesn’t have all the dots on his dice/pens in her plotter.
  • Doesn’t have both oars in the water — can’t even find the damn boat.
  • Doesn’t have elastic in both of his socks.
  • Doesn’t have his belt through all the loops.
  • Doesn’t have sixteen annas to the rupee.
  • Doesn’t have the brain power to toast a crouton.
  • Doesn’t have the sense God gave an animal cracker.
  • Doesn’t have two neurons to rub together.
  • Doesn’t just know nothing; doesn’t even suspect much.
  • Doesn’t know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. – Billing
  • Doesn’t know whether to scratch his watch or wind his balls.
  • Doesn’t know which side the toast is buttered on.
  • Doesn’t put the cross-hairs on the target.
  • Doesn’t quite sample at the Nyquist rate.
  • Doesn’t suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude.
  • Donated her body to scientists… Before she was done using it.
  • Downhill skiing in Iowa.
  • Driveway doesn’t quite reach the garage.
  • Driving at night with the lights off.
  • Driving with two wheels in the sand.
  • Dropped his second stage too soon.
  • Dumb as asphalt/dirt/a mud fence/a stump/a sack of hammers.
  • Dumber than a chicken/box of hair/rocks.
  • During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
  • Ears are redirected to /dev/null.
  • Easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing.
  • Echoes between the ears.
  • Eight pawns short of a gambit.
  • Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor/penthouse.
  • Elevator goes all the way to the top but the door doesn’t open.
  • Elevator is on the ground floor and he’s pushing the Down button.
  • End of season sale at the cerebral department. — Gareth Blackstock
  • Enjoys listening to telemarketers.
  • Enough sawdust between the ears to bed an elephant.
  • Even a two button mouse gives him too many options.
  • Evidence for the theory of a missing link.
  • Failed the Turing test.
  • Fell out of the family tree.
  • Fifty-one cards short of a full deck.
  • Fighting the war with a starter pistol/water pistol/pop gun/cap gun.
  • Finds a flat by swapping tires.
  • Finds canonical humor collections amusing.
  • Finds Sesame Street/knock-knock jokes challenging.
  • Fired from McDonald’s for having a short attention span.
  • Fired her retro-rockets a little late.
  • Flaky.
  • Flat out like a lizard drinking.
  • Flying/landing on one engine.
  • Focused like a 12 gauge shotgun.
  • Fog rolled in the day he was born, and a bit of it never rolled out.
  • Folds ace plus red jack hand when playing blackjack.
  • Foreign substances float in his cranial fluids.
  • Forgot to pay his brain bill.
  • Found his marbles, but is playing jacks with them.
  • Four bits shy of a full DEC.
  • Four cents short of a nickel.
  • Full of wisdumb.
  • Full throttle, dry tank.
  • Fur coat and no knickers.
  • Gasoline engine, diesel fuel.
  • Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
  • Gavel doesn’t quite hit the bench.
  • Gears grind/don’t always mesh.
  • Gets a charge out of pissing on electric fences.
  • Gets her mail at an unknown zip code.
  • Gets his orders from another planet.
  • Gets hypnotized on the de-spun section.
  • Gets parity errors under load.
  • Gives a lot of bull for somebody what ain’t got no cattle.
  • Goalie for the dart team.
  • God might still use him for miracle practice.
  • God’s favorite target for lightning strikes.
  • Goes with the flow… He’s a bed wetter.
  • Good at quantum tunneling but not much else.
  • Got a life, but wasn’t sure what to do with it.
  • Got his brains as a stocking stuffer.
  • Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.
  • Guillotining him would make only an aesthetic difference.
  • Gyros are loose.
  • Habits explainable if he was raised by wolves.
  • Had a head crash.
  • Half a bubble off plumb. — attributed to Mark Twain
  • Happiness is seeing her picture on a milk carton.
  • Hard to distinguish from the tail end of a horse.
  • Hard to tell if he has an ace up his sleeve or if the ace is missing from his deck altogether.
  • Has a bus fault problem.
  • Has a few wait states.
  • Has a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold them together.
  • Has a leak in his ceiling.
  • Has a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express.
  • Has a pulse, but that’s about all.
  • Has a random memory fault.
  • Has a slow clock.
  • Has a sparse matrix.
  • Has a two-bit operating system.
  • Has all her bricks, but no cement holding them together.
  • Has all the brains God gave a duck’s ass.
  • Has an inferiority complex, but not a very good one.
  • Has an IQ one lower than it takes to grunt.
  • Has change for a seven dollar bill.
  • Has FINO (first in never out) memory.
  • Has his brain on cruise control again.
  • Has his solar panels aimed at the moon.
  • Has it floored in neutral.
  • Has no discretionary intellect.
  • Has no upper stage.
  • Has nothing to say, but delights in saying it.
  • Has only one chopstick in the chowmein.
  • Has resonance where others have brains.
  • Has signs on both ears saying “Space for Rent”.
  • Has so few thoughts that when he free associates, it’s like watching tennis.
  • Has the attention span of an overripe grapefruit.
  • Has the brains of a house plant.
  • Has the Grand Canyon under the crew cut.
  • Has the IQ of a salad bar/an ice cube/three below houseplant.
  • Has the keen awareness of an ostrich in hiding.
  • Has the mental agility of a soap dish.
  • Has the personality of a snail on Valium.
  • Has the same talent as Dr. Doolittle.
  • Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
  • Hasn’t caught on that X and Y are relative values.
  • Hasn’t got all his china in the cupboard.
  • Hasn’t got the brains God gave a cat.
  • Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited.
  • He can only type in upper case.
  • He can push but he can’t pop.
  • He demonstrates that beauty times brains is a constant.
  • He donated his brain to science but they made an early withdrawal.
  • He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
  • He has a bad brains-to-balls ratio.
  • He knows computers… He’s not fit for contact with humans.
  • He writes blank checks on a closed account.
  • He’d screw up a two-car funeral procession.
  • He’s a General Protection Fault trigger.
  • He’s a man on a mission, but can’t find his dossier.
  • He’s diagnosable.
  • He’s not a complete idiot — some parts are missing.
  • He’s not stupid; he’s possessed by a retarded ghost.
  • He’s really into himself… His head is up his ass.
  • He’s so dense, light bends around him.
  • He’s so dense, the Titanic wouldn’t sink in his head.
  • Hears everything that a dog can.
  • Hears more lyrics on records when they’re played backwards.
  • Her access time approaches infinity.
  • Her ancestors came to this country looking for bananas.
  • Her ass is sucking swamp gas.
  • Her blender doesn’t go past “mix”.
  • Her brain has a corrupted filesystem/someone needs to run fdisk on her brain.
  • Her brain is more like a Rube Goldberg device than a computer.
  • Her cache is incoherent.
  • Her dentist went deaf from the drill’s echoes.
  • Her dialing thumb must be broken.
  • Her ears serve the same function as holes in a dribble glass.
  • Her files are compressed 100%.
  • Her head needs a periodic whack on the side.
  • Her input pipe is broken.
  • Her interrupt handler hit a loop.
  • Her leads need resoldering.
  • Her learning curve is fractal.
  • Her lint trap is full.
  • Her lists are unlinked.
  • Her memory is truly random-access.
  • Her mental function can be graphed with a single dot.
  • Her mere presence causes parity errors, power fails, and head crashes.
  • Her mind is not grounded to a logic supply.
  • Her mind might have spontaneously combusted.
  • Her mind would be unstable even mounted on a tripod.
  • Her modem lights are on but there’s no carrier.
  • Her objects are not fully oriented.
  • Her phone doesn’t quite reach her desk.
  • Her pool balls don’t fit into the rack.
  • Her random access is the same as her sequential access.
  • Her sewing machine’s been out of thread for some time now.
  • Her ski lift doesn’t go to the top of the hill.
  • Her stack has been corrupted.
  • Her synapses are about |that| far apart.
  • Her system file has zero bytes.
  • Her tires are a little low.
  • Her wipers don’t touch the glass.
  • Her word length is zero bits.
  • Hid behind the door when they passed out brains.
  • High relative humidity… He’s lost in a fog.
  • His .sig is long, boring, and stupid, but it’s the best part of his postings.
  • His access light’s on, but the drive isn’t spinning/is still spinning up.
  • His accumulator overflows at zero.
  • His actual mileage varies.
  • His antenna/radio doesn’t pick up all the channels/stations.
  • His boot block is in a bad sector.
  • His brackets are mismatched.
  • His brain could be the perfect dielectric.
  • His brain was sold separately and they were out of stock.
  • His brain would rattle around in a gnat’s navel.
  • His buffer is full.
  • His clutch is slipping.
  • His data bus stops for red lights.
  • His deck has no face cards.
  • His elevator is stuck between floors.
  • His face is on a coin… On the edge.
  • His family wasn’t dysfunctional until he arrived.
  • His freelist is empty.
  • His future is behind schedule. — Bob Thaves
  • His gene line isn’t just dead, it’s extinct.
  • His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons. — Robin Williams
  • His grey matter is brown/doesn’t matter.
  • His head whistles in a cross wind.
  • His home planet is flat.
  • His IQ is a false positive.
  • His jack can’t get the car off the ground.
  • His mind is a few Hertz off its assigned frequency.
  • His mind is great at error magnification.
  • His mind is less substantial than the Emperor’s new clothes.
  • His mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime.
  • His mind is write-protected/write-only.
  • His mind reached escape velocity and achieved orbit.
  • His mind wandered and never came back.
  • His motto is: Space, the final frontier.
  • His mouth rarely makes calls to his brain.
  • His outgoing message starts with, “Hello, Mr. Answering Machine.”
  • His page was intentionally left blank.
  • His picture is in the dictionary under “zero”.
  • His pointers are null/uninitialized.
  • His puzzle is missing a few pieces.
  • His reaction time is longer than his attention span. — Thaves
  • His root file system isn’t mounted.
  • His seat back is not in the full upright and locked position.
  • His shared libraries aren’t installed.
  • His signal-to-noise ratio is epsilon.
  • His spark can’t jump the gap.
  • His spirit guide is a three-toed sloth.
  • His stack’s not very deep/he has an eight-byte stack.
  • His string’s aren’t null-terminated.
  • His strip is demagnetized.
  • His system administrator is never in.
  • His train tracks aren’t quite parallel.
  • His URL denies outside access.
  • His watch dog is sleeping.
  • His wisdom is stolen from bumper-stickers and T-shirts.
  • Hitler’s evil twin.
  • Hyperspatially interconnected/permanently disconnected neural net.
  • Hypnotized as a child and couldn’t be woken.
  • I wouldn’t piss in his ear if his brain was on fire.
  • I’d like to buy him for what he’s worth and sell him for what he thinks he’s worth.
  • If brains were bird droppings, he’d have a clean cage.
  • If brains were dynamite, she wouldn’t have enough to blow her nose/her hat off/the wax out of her ears.
  • If brains were farts, he couldn’t stink up the inside of a matchbox.
  • If brains were gasoline, he wouldn’t have enough to drive a dinky car around the inside of a cheerio.
  • If brains were grains of sand, he couldn’t fill a dixie cup.
  • If brains were lard, he’d be hard pressed to grease a small pan.
  • If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.
  • If brains were water, hers wouldn’t be enough to baptize a flea.
  • If God tried to help him, we’d have an eight day week.
  • If he donated his brain to science it’d set civilization back 50 years.
  • If he gets any denser, the geocentric theory of the universe will come true.
  • If he had a lobotomy he’d depressurize.
  • If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
  • If he had brains, he’d take them out and play with them.
  • If he had console lights, we would see only the idle loop patterns.
  • If he had half a brain, his ass would be lopsided.
  • If he were any brighter he’d be in the visible spectrum.
  • If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
  • If her brains were put in a hummingbird, it would fly backwards.
  • If his brain were a hard drive, it would back up on a single floppy.
  • If his brains were money, he’d still be in debt.
  • If his IQ was two points higher he’d be a rock.
  • If ignorance were bliss, she’d be orgasmic.
  • If it’s not in his horoscope/tea leaves, he doesn’t take it seriously.
  • If not for his scrotum, he would lose his balls.
  • If sex appeal were dynamite, he couldn’t blow the cobwebs off his balls.
  • If she had a disk we could upgrade her with DOS 3.0.
  • If she was any dumber, she’d be a green plant.
  • If stupidity were a crime, he’d be number one on the Most Wanted list.
  • If the government ever declared war on stupidity, he’d get nuked.
  • If there were a merciful God he’d be dead by now.
  • If they each had half a brain, they’d still only have half a brain.
  • If they knock heads, implosion will suck all the air out of the room.
  • If what you don’t know can’t hurt you, she’s practically invulnerable.
  • If wit were shit, he’d be constipated.
  • If you called him a wit, you’d be half right.
  • If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
  • If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
  • Ignorant, and proud of it.
  • Immune from any serious head injury.
  • Immune to caffeine and all other stimulants.
  • In a tub of Preparation H, he’d shrink down to thumb size.
  • In his optimum environment, he’d be locked in a life and death struggle with mushrooms.
  • In line for brains, thought they said pains, and said, “No, thanks”.
  • In line for brains, thought they said were handing out milkshakes, and he asked for “extra thick.”
  • In need of a ROM upgrade.
  • In serious need of attitude adjustment.
  • In the shopping mall of the mind, he’s in the toy store.
  • In touch with her higher power, but out of touch with the rest of us.
  • Includes a “thank you” note with her tax returns.
  • Infinite space between her ears.
  • Informationally deprived.
  • Inhabits her own private timezone.
  • Inspected by #13.
  • Inspired the slogan, “A mind is a terrible thing to waste.”
  • Intellectually/synaptically challenged.
  • Invented a pencil with an eraser on each end.
  • Invented a submarine with a screen door.
  • IQ = dx / (1 + dx), where x = age.
  • IQ lower than a snake’s belly in a wagon-rut.
  • It’s hard to believe he beat 100,000 other sperm.
  • Just another flash in the bedpan.
  • Keeps his imagination on a long leash.
  • Knitting with only one needle.
  • Knows his sports, but his understanding is limited to violence.
  • Landing with his gear/brain up and locked.
  • Leaky sunroof.
  • Left hand threaded.
  • Left his booster on the launch pad.
  • Left the store without all of his groceries.
  • Leveled off before reaching altitude.
  • Life by Norman Rockwell, but screenplay by Stephen King.
  • Lightbulb over his head is burned out.
  • Lights are on but nobody’s home.
  • Lights not burning too bright.
  • Like a barometer — vacuum at the top.
  • Like a loose-leaf folder in winter.
  • Like a one-armed man climbing a rope.
  • Likes dunking for french fries.
  • Little red choo-choo’s gone chugging ’round the bend/jumped the track.
  • Lives in La-la-land.
  • Lives in the same world, but a different universe.
  • Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.
  • Long on dry wall, short on studs.
  • Looking for a nickel in the corner of a circular room.
  • Looks for the “Any” key.
  • Loose chip on the microprocessor board.
  • Loose wire to his headset/ringer.
  • Low on thinking gas.
  • Low-bandwidth as an information source.
  • Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps.
  • Made a career out of mid-life crisis.
  • Mainspring’s wound too tight.
  • Makes a black hole look bright.
  • Makes predictions that make weathermen/economists look good.
  • Memorized every Dr. Seuss story written.
  • Mental software is Version 1.0/still in beta test.
  • Mentally qualified for handicapped parking.
  • Metronome needs oil.
  • Might still be a virgin except for what nature did to her mind.
  • Mind like a steel sieve.
  • Mind like a steel trap — everything gets mangled/full of mice/nothing in, nothing out/rusted shut.
  • Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
  • Missing a few catalog cards / gears / marbles.
  • Missing a layer of insulation in his attic.
  • Monorail doesn’t go all the way to Tomorrowland.
  • Mooring lines don’t reach the dock.
  • More marbles in a spray-paint can than brains in his head.
  • Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.
  • Moves his lips to pretend he’s reading.
  • Must have ignored a knock-down pitch.
  • Nearly on a higher plane, but lost his boarding pass.
  • Needs another brain to make half-wit.
  • Needs both hands to wipe his behind.
  • Needs front end alignment.
  • Needs his disk checked/reformatted.
  • Needs his sleeves lengthened by a couple of feet so they can be tied in the back.
  • Network constantly loses packets.
  • Neurons are firing non-sequentially.
  • Never had a headcold in her life since diseases can’t exist in a vacuum.
  • Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world. — Van Jacobson
  • Nice house but not much furniture / nobody lives there.
  • Nine pence in the shilling.
  • Nine rooms; no furniture.
  • Nineteen cents short of a paradigm.
  • No charge in her synapses.
  • No coins in the old fountain.
  • No filter in the coffeemaker.
  • No grain in the silo.
  • No hands on the rudder/yoke.
  • No hay in the loft.
  • No one at the throttle.
  • No wind in her mind’s windmills.
  • Not all his dogs are barking.
  • Not an idiot, but plays one in his life.
  • Not as dumb as he looks, but that would be impossible.
  • Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us.
  • Not done evolving yet.
  • Not enough brain cells for the Prozac to be effective.
  • Not enough brains to get anywhere NEAR the gutter.
  • Not enough change to break a dollar/pound/Euro/yen.

Forrest in Everyday Life

Posted on by

  • Forrest Gump
    Life is like a Box of chocolates…

  • Forrest Dahmer
    People are like a box of chocolate, YUM!

  • Forrest Simpson
    Mmmmm, chocolate

  • Forrest the Hun
    Chocolate all mine!

  • Forrest Jackson
    Little kids like my box of chocolates

  • Forrest Hefner
    Keep the chocolate, lose the box.

  • Forrest Simmons
    Chocolate is bad!, EXERCISE EXERCISE!

  • Forrest Rivera
    People who like Chocolate..Next on ‘Forrest’

  • Forrest Shakespeare
    Chocolate, or no chocolate that’s the question

  • Forrest Of Borg
    All chocolates must be assimilated

  • Forrest Presley
    Hunk a hunk of milk chocolate

  • Forrest Zen
    I am one with the chocolate

  • Forrest McClaine
    I used to be a box of Chocolates

  • Forrest Ventura
    Chocolates..Alll-Riighty then..

  • Forrest Lauper
    People just wanna have chocolate

  • Forrest Turner
    What’s chocolate gotta do, gotta do with it?

  • Forrest Bones
    Dammit jim, I’m a Dr., not a box of chocolate

  • Forrest Spock
    Logically speaking, we are all chocolate

  • Forrest Scotty
    The box, she’s breaking apart Capt’n

  • Forrest Rooney
    Why is it that we are all chocolates?

  • Forrest Butler
    Frankly Scarlett, I don’t like chocolate

  • Forrest O’Hara
    Tomorrow is another box of chocolates.

  • Forrest Lee
    Fight with your inner chocolate

  • Forrest Clinton
    I didn’t inhale the cream centers

  • Forrest Davidson
    I will inhale the cream filled centers

  • Forrest Doo
    Roinks Raggy, Rocolates!

  • Forrest Pig
    Life is a box of chok-choa-che..candy

  • Forrest Marx
    That’s the weirdest box of chocolates I’ve ever seen….

  • Forrest Nicholson
    You want chocolate, you can’t handle chocolate

  • Forrest Copperfield
    Poof, the chocolates are gone!

  • Forrest X
    We didn’t land in the box of chocolate
    The box of chocolate landed on us!

  • Forrest Hitler
    White Chocolates only!

  • Forrest the Frog
    Someday we’ll find it,
    The chocolate connections
    The plain ones,
    The cream filled….and me..

  • Forrest Eastwood
    I know what your thinking..
    Did he eat five chocolates, or did he eat six
    Well let me ask you…
    Do you feel hungry PUNK?..well…DO YOU?

  • Forrest Barney
    I’m cream filled, your with nuts.
    We’re a box of chocoluts

  • Forrest Ali
    I am the chocolate boxer!

  • Forrest on phonics
    Lief es lyk a boks uv chakolets

  • Forrest PsychicLine
    Yes, I knew you were a chocolate

  • Forrest 900-line
    oooh, can I suck your cream filled chocolates?

  • Forrest DatingGame
    Bachelor number two…
    if I was a piece of chocolate..
    What would you fill me with?

  • Forrest Alimony
    The Box is mine!

  • Forrest Adultry
    You just can’t have just one chocolate.

  • The Forrest plague
    Ewww..these Chocolates are bad

  • Chief Justice Forrest Thomas
    I never touched her milk-duds!

  • Forrest Andrews
    The Hills are alive..like a box of chocolates

  • Forrest Allen
    Chocolate, huroof..

  • Forrest Costello
    Who’s eating chocolate?

  • Forrest Abbott
    No, who is not eating chocolate

  • Forrest Vader
    Luke, I am your chocolate

  • Forrest Yoda
    There is a dark chocolate, and a light chocolate..

I’d Love to But….

Posted on by
  • I want to spend more time with my blender.
  • The man on television told me to say tuned.
  • It wouldn’t be fair to the other Beautiful People.
  • I’m building a pig from a kit.
  • I did my own thing and now I’ve got to undo it.
  • There’s a disturbance in the Force.
  • I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
  • I’m attending the opening of my garage door.
  • I’m converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
  • I’ve come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
  • My plot to take over the world is thickening.
  • I have to fulfill my potential.
  • It’s too close to the turn of the century.
  • I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
  • I changed the lock on my door and now I can’t get out.
  • I’m uncomfortable when I’m alone or with others.
  • I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
  • I’m trying to be less popular.
  • I have to study for a blood test.
  • I have to rotate my crops.
  • I prefer to remain an enigma.
  • I’m trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
  • …..and, I won’t accept YES for an answer!!