Category Archives: College/School

Attendance

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Years ago, it was required that in order for a student to receive credit for a particular college course, a card (listing of his/her courses) had to be signed by the instructor/lecturer. It was, at the time, policy that students attend their courses. But depending on the size of the class, it was often quite possible to receive credit, even after not attending the class regularly. Not so, with this physics professor…if he didn’t recognize you, you would have to repeat the course (and attend!).

On one occasion, a student handed his card to be signed. The professor looked at the name, then at the student, and said, “I’ve never seen you in my class,” and handed back the card. Now being a science student, he naturally thought quickly, and proceeded to the end of the line. When he was at the front again, he handed his card to the prof. The prof looked at the name, then at the student, and said, “You look familiar. OK.” and signed the card.

Arizona State University Grading System

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This is a list of the ways that professors at Arizona State University grade their final exams:

  • Department of Statistics
    All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

  • Department of Psychology
    Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

  • Department of History
    All students get the same grade they got last year.

  • Department of Religion
    Grade is determined by God.

  • Department of Philosophy
    What is a grade?

  • English Department
    Your final exam will be scored by totaling the weight of all the books you read this semester:

      40+ pounds – A
      30 pounds – B
      20 pounds – C
      10 pounds – D
      <10 pounds – F

  • Law School
    Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

  • Department of Mathematics
    Grades are variable.

  • Department of Physics
    Grades are relative. but…
    All theoretical physics is really mathematics. See Above.

  • Department of Chemistry
    All theoretical chemistry is really physics. See Above.

  • Department of Biology
    All theoretical biology is really chemistry. See Above.

  • Department of Logic
    If and only if
       the student is present for the final
    and
       the student has accumulated a passing grade
    then
       the student will receive an A
    else
       the student will not receive an A.

  • Department of Marxist Studies:
    The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of class struggles. Therefore, everyone will now get the same grade!

  • Department of Economics:
    All of your grades, as a collection, will reach the level where your marginal product (MP) of labor for each individual grade is equal.

  • Department of Operations & Logistics Management
    Grades will be posted *at* 12:00 Noon. NOT 11:59 — NOT 12:01

  • Department of Computer Science
    Random number generator determines grade, but… YOUR grade is an object in a class of its own.

  • Music Department
    Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and – would be sharp and flat respectively).

A Rough Crowd

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A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that term.

The Answering Machine at School

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Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:

  • To lie about why your child is absent – Press 1
  • To make excuses for why your child did not do his work – Press 2
  • To complain about what we do – Press 3
  • To cuss out staff members – Press 4
  • To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you – Press 5
  • If you want us to raise your child – Press 6
  • If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone – Press 7
  • To request another teacher for the third time this year – Press 8
  • To complain about bus transportation – Press 9
  • To complain about school lunches – Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/ responsible for his/ her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it’s not the teachers fault for your child(ren)’s lack of effort, hang up and have a nice day!

A History of Teaching Math

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  • Teaching Math in 1950
    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

  • Teaching Math in 1960
    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

  • Teaching Math in 1970
    A logger exchanges a set “L” of lumber for a set “M” of money. The cardinality of set “M” is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set “M.” The set “C”, the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set “M.” Represent the set “C” as a subset of set “M” and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set “P” of profits?

  • Teaching Math in 1980
    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

  • Teaching Math in 1990
    By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question? How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

  • Teaching Math in 1996
    By laying off 402 of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80. Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

  • Teaching Math in 2000
    A company outsources all of its loggers. They save on benefits and when demand for their product is down the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had 3 weeks vacation, received a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?

  • Teaching Math in 2011
    A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence of loggable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of the lobbying costs?

Math Homework

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Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she
heard:

    “One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two.”
    “Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four.”
    “Three and three… “

His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Little Johnny remarked that his teacher had taught him.

His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework. The next day she stormed into Little Johnny’s classroom and confronted the teacher. Little Johnny’s mother told her about Little Johnny’s different way of doing math and his claims that she taught it that way to the class.

The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn’t understand why Little Johnny had said what he did. Then suddenly, she exclaimed, “Oh, I know… here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two.”

Actual School Excuses

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The following is a partial list of actual written excuses given to teachers in the Albuquerque Public School System by parents of students:

  • Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
  • Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
  • Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father’s fault.
  • Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
  • John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
  • Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
  • Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
  • My son is under the doctor’s care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.
  • Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.
  • My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.
  • Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.
  • Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
  • Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.
  • Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.
  • George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
  • Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
  • Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
  • Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
  • Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(*crossed out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the shits.

Academic Phrases Completed

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The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.

  • “It has long been known”…
    I didn’t look up the original reference.

  • “A definite trend is evident”…
    These data are practically meaningless.

  • “While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions”…An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

  • “Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study”…
    The other results didn’t make any sense.

  • “Typical results are shown”…
    This is the prettiest graph.

  • “These results will be in a subsequent report”…
    I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

  • “In my experience”…
    Once.

  • “In case after case”…
    Twice.

  • “In a series of cases”…
    Three times.

  • “It is believed that”…
    I think.

  • “It is generally believed that”…
    A couple of others think so, too.

  • “Correct within an order of magnitude”…
    Wrong.

  • “According to statistical analysis”…
    Rumor has it.

  • “A statistically-oriented projection of the significance of these findings”…
    A wild guess.

  • “A careful analysis of obtainable data”…
    Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of iced tea.

  • “It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs”…
    I don’t understand it.

  • “After additional study by my colleagues”…
    They don’t understand it either.

  • “Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions”…
    Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.

  • “A highly significant area for exploratory study”…
    A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

  • “It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field”…
    I quit.