Bill Clinton and St. Peter

Clinton died and went to heaven-or to be more accurate-approached the Pearly Gates.

After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. “Who goes there?” inquired St. Peter.

“‘Tis I, your lordship, President Bill Clinton.”

“And what do you want?” asked St. Peter.

“Lemme in!” replied Clinton.

“Soooo,” pondered Peter. “What bad things did you do on earth?”

Clinton thought a bit and answered, “Well, I smoked marijuana – but you shouldn’t hold that against me because I didn’t inhale. I guess I had extramarital sex – but you shouldn’t hold that against me because I didn’t really have sexual relations. And I lied, but I didn’t commit perjury.”

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, “OK, here’s the deal. We’ll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won’t call it ‘Hell.’ You’ll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won’t call it ‘eternity.’ And don’t ‘abandon all hope’ upon entering, just don’t hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over.

Chelsea at College

Chelsea Clinton went off to college and came back home for the holidays. Hillary was quite happy to see her daughter and pressed her for information about college.

“So, are you enjoying college, dear?” she asked.

Chelsea nodded vigorously.

“And are there boys in college?” Hillary questioned.

Once again, Chelsea nodded with a mischievous gleam in her eyes.

Hillary, unable to resist and curious about her daughter’s activities, went on to ask, “And are you having sex with these boys?”

Chelsea burst out laughing. After a moment, she straightened, stared into her mother’s eyes, and said, “Not according to Dad.”

Chelsea Clinton Looking for Love

One Sunday morning, Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, “Mom and Dad, I have some great news for you. I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington! He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt.”

After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. “Honey, I have to talk with you. Your Mother and I have been married a long time. She’s a wonderful wife but she’s never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I have fooled around with other women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I’m afraid you can’t marry him.” Chelsea was heartbroken, but after eight months she eventually started dating again.

A year later she came home and very proudly announced, “Robert asked me to marry him! We’re getting married in June.” Again, her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Robert is your half-brother too, Honey. I’m awfully sorry about this.” Chelsea became furious upon hearing what her Dad had to say.

She decided to go to her Mother and tell her about his numerous infidelities. After Chelsea told her Mom everything, she concluded crying, “Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married. Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother.”

Hillary just shook her head and replied, “Don’t pay any attention to what he says dear. He’s not really your father.”

Proposed Cabinet

Press Release
Announcement of New Cabinet if Things Get Rough:
  • Secretary of Treasury — Eric Holder
  • Secretary of Defense — Lindsey Lohan
  • Secretary of Transportation — Charlie Sheen
  • Secretary of Education — Dr. Timothy Leary
  • Secretary of Health and Welfare — Barney Frank
  • Secretary of Labor — Anita Hill
  • Housing and Urban Development — Robin Shimoff
  • Attorney General — David Duke
  • Surgeon General — Dr. Oz
  • Drug Czar — Willie Nelson
  • Chief of Protocol — Roseanne
  • Director, Central Intelligence — Geraldo Rivera
  • Director, FBI — Hillary Clinton
  • Veterans Administration — Jane Fonda
  • Space Agency Administration — Jerry Brown
  • Director of Family Values — OJ Simpson
  • National Endowment for the Arts — Madonna
  • Special Liaison to the Divine — Shirley MacLaine
  • Court Jester — Jesse Jackson

Bush’s Plan to Streamline Military on Target

During the 2000 Campaign, George W. Bush promised a leaner and more cost-efficient military. “I’m pleased to report,” the President spoke, “that we have downed the most sophisticated Chinese fighter without spending two million dollars on an air-to-air missile.”

President Bush’s “Don’t Ask, Just Give ’em Hell” policy is a sharp departure from former President Clinton’s focus on moving the Pentagon to San Francisco and painting Navy battleships a bright lavender.

The President was particularly pleased that it was a 50’s era propeller driven plane that took out the Chinese aircraft. “Heck, we bought and paid for that sucker fifty years ago. It didn’t cost the American taxpayer a single dime to take out that commie.”

Bush was also pleased his “Ram The Bastard” policy for Navy submarines was a rousing success. “Just think of all of the torpedoes we can save money on!” The President seemed only momentarily flustered when asked if the Navy should, perhaps, target enemies of the United States instead of friendly countries like Japan. “Didn’t Japan sink a bunch of our battleships in World War I or II? I’ll ask Poppy.”

The President wants to get the Army involved next by sending tanks into Canada. “Moscow’s in Canada, right?”

Bush Deploys Vowels to Bosnia

Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients

Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Bush announced U.S. plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more pronounceable.

“For years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world,” Bush said. “Today, the United States must finally stand up and say ‘Enough.’ It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words. The U.S. is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavour.”

The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Storm by the State Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of “E’s,” will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities.

Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels. “My goodness, I do not think we can last another day,” Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. “I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Bush, please send my poor, wretched family just one ‘E.’ Please.” Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: “With just a few key letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my dream.”

If the initial airlift is successful, Bush said the United States will go ahead with full-scale vowel deployment, with C-130’s airdropping thousands more letters over every area of Bosnia. Other nations are expected to pitch in as well, including 10,000 British “A’s” and 6,500 Canadian “U’s.”Japan, rich in A’s and O’s, was asked to participate, but declined.

“With these valuable letters, the people of war-ravaged Bosnia will be able to make some terrific new words,” Bush said. “It should be very exciting for them, and much easier for us to read their maps.”

Linguists praise the U.S.’s decision to send the vowels. For decades they have struggled with the hard consonants and difficult pronunciation of most Slavic words. “Vowels are crucial to construction of all language,” Baylor University linguist Noam Frankel said. “Without them, it would be difficult to utter a single word, much less organize a coherent sentence. Please, just don’t get me started on the moon-man languages they use in those Eastern European countries.”

According to Frankel, once the Bosnians have vowels, they will be able to construct such valuable sentences as: “The potatoes are ready” and “I believe it will rain.”

The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the U.S. shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of L’s, S’s and T’s. The consonant-relief effort failed, however, when vast quantities of the letters were intercepted and hoarded by violent, gun-toting warlords.

Brain Surgery

A man went to a doctor, and said he wanted to be able to get a job at the local Post Office, but unfortunately he was too smart. The doctor asked him his IQ, and when he gave a three-digit reply, the doctor told him that the procedure would have to involve the removal of over half of his brain.

The man insisted, and since the doctor just happened to have a brand new laser device which could zap just the right portions of brain tissue, the operation was planned.

The laser was hooked up to a computer which could monitor the man’s declining IQ on a nice bright LED display. The doctor threw the switch and the numbers began ticking off … 95, 94, 93, …

Suddenly the phone rang. It was the doctor’s wife. They gabbed for a few minutes, the doctor forgetting completely about his patient.

When he hung up, he suddenly realized, and ran into the operating room, only to see the meter tick down … 6, 5, 4, …

He ran to the machine and threw the on/off switch, just as the laser was about to wipe out the last remnant of brain. “Holy moley!” exclaimed the doctor, “What have I done? Speak to me. Say anything!”

The man looked at him and said, “I, George W. Bush, announce my candidacy for President of the United States…”

Because

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, “You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America.”

President Bush says “Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do.”

The Saudi whispers “My son watches this show ‘Star Trek’ and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn’t understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek.”

President Bush laughs and leans toward the Saudi, and whispers back, “It’s because it takes place in the future….”

Al Gore’s Concession Speech

  • Al Gore Concession Speech, 1st Draft
    Good evening, my fellow Americans: Tonight we come to the end of a long road and the start of a new one. Having exhausted all avenues of appeal in the U.S. and Florida, my legal team has filed a claim in the International Court of Justice seeking to overturn the Florida election… Crumple crumple crumple
  • Al Gore Concession Speech, 2nd Draft
    Good evening, my fellow Americans: Tonight, in the spirit of national unity and despite being the undisputed winner of the popular vote… crumple crumple crumple
  • Al Gore Concession Speech, 3rd Draft
    Good evening, everyone. Many of you no doubt know what it feels like to get royally shafted. Crumple crumple crumple
  • Al Gore Concession Speech, 4th Draft
    Good evening, my fellow Americans. Although it is the opinion of my attorneys and myself that I do not fit the legal definition of a “loser” crumple crumple crumple
  • Al Gore Concession Speech, 5th Draft
    Good evening, my fellow Americans. Approximately 12 million light years ago, when I was first dispatched to your planet from Zolloid 9 crumple crumple crumple
  • Al Gore Concession Speech, 6th Draft
    My fellow Americans: I can’t do this. I just can’t do this. Crumple crumple crumple
  • Al Gore Concession Speech, 7th Draft
    Hello, my fellow Americans. It’s been a long and difficult month for me and, indeed, for the entire nation. But the time has come for us all to throw our enthusiastic support behind our next president, George W. Bu, BbbBahoo. (laugh) Pardon me. Let me try that again: President George W. Buh, Buh. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, PEOPLE! HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO PUNCH OUT A FREAKING CARDBOARD HOLE IN A BALLOT! MORONS! Crumple crumple crumple
  • Al Gore Concession Speech, 8th Draft
    My fellow Americans, in light of recent unfavorable court decisions, it has come to my understanding that a majority of you want to turn the country over to a recovering alcoholic and functional illiterate. Crumple crumple crumple
  • Al Gore Concession Speech, 9th Draft (folksy approach)
    Good evening, my fellow Americans. You know, when I was young boy frolicking on the zero-gravity ash fields of Zolloid 9, it never occurred to me when I downloaded the human emotion coding sequences. Crumple crumple crumple
  • Al Gore Concession Speech, 10th Draft
    Good evening, my fellow Americans. Have you ever known someone who took something from a store without paying for it? That’s called “stealing”, and in America stealing is a crime. Crumple crumple crumple
  • Al Gore Concession Speech, 11th Draft
    My fellow Americans, most of you probably know how to count. One. Two. Three. And so on. See? It’s not that difficult. (Smile). So can someone please explain to me why the state of Florida… Crumple crumple crumple
  • Al Gore Concession Speech, 12 Draft
    Good evening, everyone. Generally speaking, civil war is never a good thing. But there are times… Ah, forget it.

Al Gore, Poor Black Child?

Good afternoon. I’m Al Gore, and I’d like to tell you about myself. I know a lot about hardship, because I came into this world as a poor black child in a tiny town in the backwoods of Tennessee. I was born in a log cabin that I built with my own hands. I taught myself to read by candlelight and helped support my 16 brothers and sisters by working summers as a deck hand on a Mississippi River steamboat.

My mother taught me the value of education, so every day; I would walk 5 miles to a one-room schoolhouse. I was a mischievous, fun-loving scamp, though I never dreamed that one-day, my youthful escapades would serve as the inspiration for “Huckleberry Finn”.

Back then, black folks in the South were second-class citizens. One day, a traveling minister came through town, and I asked him if anyone was ever going to do something to guarantee civil rights for all Americans. Well, I guess I made an impression. You see, the minister’s name was Martin Luther King, Jr.

My father was a United States Senator. He once perched me on his knee and said, “Son, if you work hard and listen to your mama, someday you can live in a hotel in Washington, D.C., and go to an exclusive prep school.”

But life of privilege was not for me. After getting my high school diploma, I took a job in a hot, dirty textile mill. I was so appalled at the treatment of the workers there that I organized a union. Later, that experience inspired a movie – which is why, to this day, my close friends at the AFL-CIO call me “Norma Rae”.

When word got out what an 18 year old factory worker had done, Harvard called and offered me a scholarship. I captained the hockey team to four consecutive national championships, but I also played football and was good enough to win the Heisman Trophy. During my college years, I lived in a housing project and moonlighted playing lead guitar for a little rock band. You may have heard of it — the Rolling Stones.

But there was a war going on, and I felt I had to serve my country. So I enlisted in the U. S. Army and went to Vietnam. I was deeply opposed to the war, but I did my duty as a soldier and came back home with the Medal of Honor and the Croix de Guerre.

When I got back, I took a long journey across this great land of ours. I’ve crossed the deserts bare, man, I’ve breathed the mountain air, man, I’ve traveled, I’ve done my share, man, I’ve been everywhere. And the people I met at truckstops and campgrounds and homeless shelters on that journey all said the same thing: “Al, we need you in Washington.”

I knew they were right, but first I had to take care of some other business — building the World Trade Center, founding the Audubon Society, doing the clinical research that proved smoking caused cancer, and coming up with the recipe for Mrs. Field’s chocolate chip cookies.

Finally, I deferred to the demands of the people of Tennessee and allowed them to elect me to the House of Representatives and the Senate, where I established the US Strategic Oil Reserve. And then one winter day nearly nine years ago, for no particular reason, I answered the call of the people once again and took the oath of office as Vice President of the United States.

Since then, I’ve been part of the most successful administration in American history. And, in my spare time, I invented the Internet. Many times Bill Clinton has been pondering some grave decision and has asked me what to do. And when I would give him my thoughts, he would invariable say, “Of course. That’s brilliant. Why didn’t I think of that?” During the darkest days of the impeachment battle, the president told me he only wished he had listened when I told him to stay away from that dark-haired intern.

So after I decided to run for president, I sat down with him and asked if he had any suggestions about how to conduct my campaign. And Bill Clinton gave me a few simple words of advice — words I’ll never forget. He looked me in the eye and he said, “Al, just tell the truth, it’s always worked for me.”