I wanted you to know that I got a hold of Al Gore’s first draft of his concession speech. I’m told Vice President Gore wrote this out himself when the Supreme Court shut down his chances for being elected President. So, here it is, uncut, and in its entirety.

“What a pisser. What a goddamned pisser of an election.

“Yo, Bush. Suck my big ass hog leg. I’m not conceding a goddamned thing. Yer Daddy packed that collection of right wing wackos on the Supreme Court and every damned one of ’em of those wackos voted against me. They best be watching their back because I’m *still* the Vice Prez for a few more days and I *do* know where I can get my hands on some assault weapons.

“Pat Buchanan and Ralph Nader: take note of what I just told those right wing wackos on the Supreme Court. You better get your goddamned wills in order, because I’m the one who took care of Vince Foster and, by God, you assholes are next.

“Those of you ignorant ass morons in Palm Beach: Hey, thanks a lot, you dumbasses. Next time, before you go to the goddamned polling booth, take your fucking Geritol so you’ve got enough strength to punch through a fucking paper ballot. You clowns cost me the election.

“To the 50% of Americans who didn’t even bother to get off their lazy asses in front of the Internet that I built: Now you’re getting Dan Quayle Jr. as the leader of the free world. Shit fire, had you all voted and written in “Goofy” you would have been better off.

“And to my home state of Tennessee. The “Volunteer State.” Well, I got your “volunteer” hanging right HERE, you bunch of backwood first-cousin-fucking hicks.

“All of you assholes lost this election for me. I said I’d fight for you so it’s for goddamned sure not *my* fault. I’ll be back in four years, so you better get your shit together or I’ll sic Tipper on your ass and make Hillary my Vice President.

“What a pisser.”

• Al Gore Concession Speech, 1st Draft
  Good evening, my fellow Americans: Tonight we come to the end of a long road and the start of a new one. Having exhausted all avenues of appeal in the U.S. and Florida, my legal team has filed a claim in the International Court of Justice seeking to overturn the Florida election… Crumple crumple crumple
• Al Gore Concession Speech, 2nd Draft
  Good evening, my fellow Americans: Tonight, in the spirit of national unity and despite being the undisputed winner of the popular vote… crumple crumple crumple
• Al Gore Concession Speech, 3rd Draft
  Good evening, everyone. Many of you no doubt know what it feels like to get royally shafted. Crumple crumple crumple
• Al Gore Concession Speech, 4th Draft
  Good evening, my fellow Americans. Although it is the opinion of my attorneys and myself that I do not fit the legal definition of a “loser” crumple crumple crumple
• Al Gore Concession Speech, 5th Draft
  Good evening, my fellow Americans. Approximately 12 million light years ago, when I was first dispatched to your planet from Zolloid 9 crumple crumple crumple
• Al Gore Concession Speech, 6th Draft
  My fellow Americans: I can’t do this. I just can’t do this. Crumple crumple crumple
• Al Gore Concession Speech, 7th Draft
  Hello, my fellow Americans. It’s been a long and difficult month for me and, indeed, for the entire nation. But the time has come for us all to throw our enthusiastic support behind our next president, George W. Bu, BbbBahoo. (laugh) Pardon me. Let me try that again: President George W. Buh, Buh. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, PEOPLE! HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO PUNCH OUT A FREAKING CARDBOARD HOLE IN A BALLOT! MORONS! Crumple crumple crumple
• Al Gore Concession Speech, 8th Draft
  My fellow Americans, in light of recent unfavorable court decisions, it has come to my understanding that a majority of you want to turn the country over to a recovering alcoholic and functional illiterate. Crumple crumple crumple
• Al Gore Concession Speech, 9th Draft (folksy approach)
  Good evening, my fellow Americans. You know, when I was young boy frolicking on the zero-gravity ash fields of Zolloid 9, it never occurred to me when I downloaded the human emotion coding sequences. Crumple crumple crumple
• Al Gore Concession Speech, 10th Draft
  Good evening, my fellow Americans. Have you ever known someone who took something from a store without paying for it? That’s called “stealing”, and in America stealing is a crime. Crumple crumple crumple
• Al Gore Concession Speech, 11th Draft
  My fellow Americans, most of you probably know how to count. One. Two. Three. And so on. See? It’s not that difficult. (Smile). So can someone please explain to me why the state of Florida… Crumple crumple crumple
• Al Gore Concession Speech, 12 Draft
  Good evening, everyone. Generally speaking, civil war is never a good thing. But there are times… Ah, forget it.